Friday, July 15, 2011

Cats & Teenagers

I’ve decided, cats are like teenagers. You try to talk to them and they flip their tail and walk away. They want attention and then when you show it, they get mad. "Don't embarress me".

So I say to them, the cat and the teenagers, “If you only would just stop for one second and listen to me, take my advise, ACT ON MY ADVISE, I would trust you”, as she longingly looked up toward the fence to find a way to jump.

She just kept looking up. She wants out. She wants to be free. I know that feeling.

Yet the world is not a safe place for kitties and cats. Or for Puppies or dogs either for that matter. I’m sorry to say that animals are not allowed to run freely. But that’s okay, because we all learn to live in our own environment. Even cats and teenagers.

The only difference between teenagers and cats is that teenagers grow out of it, cats don’t.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Finale 2011

As I listened to the series of the finale episodes of a famed female talk show host on Thursday, I felt empowered.

Now that woman can move you!

I was most impressed not only by what she was saying- the message she was giving, but also by the fact that she seems so humble. She handled herself with so much grace, even through the “ugly cry”.

And as I listened, I cried. It’s like death – almost. I won’t see live shows and I won’t get to hear about her next “great adventure”. It was like losing a dear loved one. I know that feeling all too well.

But really “WOWED” me was that in the end she gave all glory to God, Jesus Christ.

And that’s when I lost it. I spent hours just sobbing.

I was at that part of this grieving process where I realized that I couldn’t remember his voice. I had to let it out, and let it go. I struggled to remember, and couldn’t.

I finally released him.

Yesterday was a day of recovery. Recovering, once again, from my sorrow.

It’s not easier, but now I know how. And the people who’ve experienced this before me told me these feelings would never go away, you just learn to live with it. As I reflect back on some of this icon’s previous shows I remember staying home from work one day, I was tired, hurt and depressed. I flipped channels and landed on her show as she was introducing Nate. His experience with grief and his thoughts, one thought that captured me was, “The ‘date’ doesn’t matter. The memory matters and you always have that”.

Or something like that but those words fed my soul. It’s what I needed to hear, right then.

Nothing is coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING.

Watching her last show was like water to my soul. Not like the Water I get from Jesus, but through her He nourished me. She’s not my God, but I’ve watched God use her. A vessel to the world, she is.

I realized I’ve spent the last 2 years idle. Not knowing what I wanted to do or what I liked to do. But one thing I know for sure today, is I have compassion. Not the enabling kind, but the “hand up, not hand out” type. My husband taught me that before he died from cancer at age 52. And I finally realized yesterday that that part of the lesson I learned died with him.

I’ve had many “A-ha” moments. And I feel one coming on and I feel like my life is about to change once again. But, this time, for better or worse, One thing I know for sure God is in this with me. There is no doubt.

I’ve grieved and I’ve mourned. I will always miss Scott, and Oprah but it’s time to take the next step forward. As scary and exciting as it is I will embrace it and just “be”. Because I know their memories will live on, in my heart and in my life.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Time Heals All Wounds...

...or so the story goes. But nowhere does it say how much "time" that takes.

It's coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my husbands death, and I have trouble wrapping my head around that. 2 YEARS! It seems like yesterday yet, at the same time it seems like another life time.

People say things to indicate to me that they think I should be "moving on" and "getting over it" or "it's been 2 years". Those words mean nothing to me. I've come to understand that everyone's grief is different and take their own time in "getting over it".

There's a bigger part of me that wants to move on, but there's always going to be that little part of me that doesn't.

At first I just thought it was because I witnessed the trauma of his cancer and his death, and I just needed to heal from that, but the thing I struggle with the most is that I'm afraid I will forget. Forget about what our relationship meant to us. It wasn't an easy relationship, but it was ours.

We both had hard times with relationships because of our baggage that we both brought in but, he was, in the end living up to his promises. He was loved by so many, it was astounding to me. No one loved him more than I did. I was his "angel". And I can't forget that.

I saw in him the man I always knew was there, buried under the crap life dealt out to him. And I will never be able to "move on" from our last gaze into each others eyes. A promise kept.

As I head into May I'm burdened with the loss of him. I want that burden to go away, but it doesn't. Although, it's not as bad as it was last year. So I guess there's hope in the progress made so far.

I don't think anyone ever completely gets over it. I think we just get used to living with the grief. The load is lighter these days, but the load is still one I carry.

There are days when I still wish he was here, but then I wouldn't want to keep him here if he were in such enormous pain. Both physically and emotionally.

For me, it's like the music is gone from my life. The colors of the flowers are faded. I'm half of a whole and broken. I know it takes time and I have to make more effort, I just do not have the motivation to do that. I don't like doing things alone.


As Scott would say, "It is what it is - so deal with it". But I don't know what that looks like or how I'm supposed to do that.

Life takes it's twists and turns but I still.... wish he was here....

Monday, September 13, 2010


I felt I need to put down into words some memories. Of course, it's still about Scott. And yep, I think it will be that way for a long time.

It's been 16 months, today, that he left this earth and my heart still breaks every time I think of any memories we shared, so I thought that if I put them into words it would be easier and better for me. And maybe make it easier for others to understand what we, and he was all about and why I loved him so much.

There was NEVER a time that he didn't interject humor into whatever was going on at the time. He seemed to make life easier and harder all at the same time. He challenged and still challenges me to "make the best" of things. He was very meticulous about things, and I didn't "get it" till he was gone. How he made life simpler because he was so damned efficient. Coffee.... was easy when he was here, and I'm learing to do coffee again, like he did. Easy...

Going back to some of my first memories...

2001 - meeting him at the Mariposa mexican restaurant for the first time... watching him get off his Harley (yes, he had a Harley) and wondering to myself..."what have I gotten myself into now"... and sitting at the table (we had a booth in the bar - of course) and he was just listening to me (yeah I talk alot) and staring at me. I remember his blue, blue eyes and I loved that about him. We went to the movies, saw Serendipity (odd and cool at the same time) and we left.

At this point, I didn't know where this would go. I didn't feel especially attracted to him, but I really liked his wit and sense of humor (not to mention his Harley). We parted ways with a simple kiss on the cheek.

End of story... or so I thought. God had other plans...

He came over for Super Bowl Sunday a few months later and dealt with my ex husband of 20 years who only came to watch the game for free, (quite graciously I might add) and we hung out. Two weeks later Scott moved in.

He didn't talk much or share his feelings much, except when it came to his kids. He loved them so much and had so many regrets about his oldest child, Stephanie.
He talked about her so much. I think he was trying to hold on to that as best as he knew how.

Life went on and I was so enamoured of this person and I was really, really, really happy. We laughed so much, we loved life and we experienced so much in such a short period of time.

We got our own place (we were sharing space with my 2nd daughter and it was time to move on) and we loved our life.

We didn't have a lot, but what we had was HUGE!

We only had the Harley for about a month and we learned to grocery shop efficiently. Then when we were in Ralphs one night getting a few things, it rained. It was POURING RAIN!! We just looked at each other. It was all about the adventure with him.

So we ran out to the bike, the bike was wet, and we had to run and pack the few things we bought in the saddle bags, laughing the whole time, and rode the bike a few miles home. By the time we got home we were soaked and we just looked at each other and said, almost simultaneously, "We gotta get some real wheels". And we laughed out asses off... A few days later we bought the truck. The one I still drive. A black Toyota Tacoma 4WD.

But life happens and stuff happened. Stuff I never thought would happen.

We split up. For about 3 months.

We came back together for financial reasons more than anything. And to get him off Bree's couch.

Things were pretty good. He left Harley Davidson and was working at a restaurant on Ortega Hwy. Then he went back to work at U-haul. He'd worked there before when he lived in Ohio. And it seemed he loved it.

But, our relationship was DEAD... I don't know exactly why, but I had my suspicions. He did his thing, I did my thing and we never talked about what was happening. We slept in the same bedroom, but in different beds.

I had many moments of sheer aggravation, confusion, frustration, anger with him but I also had many many moments of utter joy because of him.

He always put a spin on things. There was always an agenda. And that what no matter what, he would find the humor in any and every thing. And he showed me so much about life, about myself and our relationship that I can never let go of.

I remember so much of him. His walk, his laugh (the real one, not the fake one) The times he'd tried to convince me or someone else of something that was TOTALLY not true and the look on his face when he did that. I learned to watch for that.

The time we drove to Monterey to see his Grandma for the last time and he tried to tell me that Paso Robles was the spanish name for "road to the Hearst castle". He was quite convincing.

On the way home, while I was driving about 100 mph on the 101 freeway, and he opened the passenger door because he had to pee... yes, he was on major drugs at the time. I told him to pee on the pavement and he said "No, that's not okay", so he pee'd in a urinal that he had from his hospital stay, then dumped it out. ON THE PAVEMENT! WTF!!! LOL

I recently watched a video of him taken by a friend, Michael Butterfield, when they were leaving Mexico about coffee and coffee beans and how they came to be and I saw that look on his face again and I wanted to cry. No, I take that back, I did cry.

Because.... he was for flipping funny!

During his struggle with the cancer that was really eating him alive, he made so many comments about the drugs... how for the first time in his life he could get totally wasted, load and "FUBARED" and it was legal!! Or about how he couldn't do this or that. And how much simpler life was since he didn't do so much stuff. But at the same time he hated that he couldn't do what he was used to doing. Serving people, cooking for people. He loved to cook for family and friends and usually went all out. "Balls to the wall" he'd say.

He loved deeply. Sometimes too deeply. Even though he knew that he could and most likely would be hurt, he loved anyway. And he loved me... anyway... despite our baggage, he loved me anyway.

This one is for you, babe...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Here's the Bottom Line....

Even though I'm relatively happy... and yes, I am really happy most days. I love my job, I love my friends, I love my new place (it's coming along). God is really giving me the desires of my heart right now and that is that I have some peace of mind and spirit.

Yet, I'm still very lonely. And I think that is what drives people to do the things they do. There are things I think about doing ( and thank God I have some discernment now) that would make many people wonder where my brain is.
But I get it. And this gives me compassion for those like me, who are terribly, terribly lonely.

Loneliness is a heavy, heavy burden. It's an evil thing, really. God didn't make us to be alone. Which is why we do what we do in moments of desperate need.

And I'm not sure how to fix it. The only thing I know is to stay connected to the One who really matters. To just "be" with my God, Yahweh...the God of eternity.

I could just be fleshly and earthly, and go out and socialize, I suppose, but the bottom line is still Scott's not here. And honestly, I don't know how I should act. I try to just "be" in the moment, but often times, that's not cutting it. Right now, without Scott, I feel like I am only half of someone, or something. I don't belong, I don't fit in. I wander around watching others to see how it is I'm supposed to be. At work, at the grocery store, at church...everyone has SOMEONE. I don't.

Bottom line...I miss my husband, the one I made a covanent with and the one I will love forever. Despite all of his quirks and flaws, I will love him forever. Even though I know he didn't love me the same, I will love him FOREVER, and that's a LONG time.

I'm lonely because I'm here and he's not. We still have this "connection" for lack of a better word, but I'm still here, alone, without him. And the reality is, that's NOT going to change. Hard core, that's what the bottom line is... I AM ALONE.

This experience and this part of my life's story, or my "journey" has been a huge life changing experience.

Things shifted for me when Scott died.

The tragedy of watching him waste away, is something that will live in my heart forever. And things will continue to shift and move as needed.

I find that I'm no longer afraid. Isaiah 43:1 Fear not....
I refuse to live my life in fear. Scott taught me that. Life taught me that. God continues to show me that.

Scott was who he was, and he touched so many people in so many ways and I'm sure now he knows how many lives he touched. I just wish he would have known that before he died. And I know that he would want everyone to let others know how much they mean to them, regardless of what's going on right now... tell the person you love that you really do love them! TELL THEM! SHOW THEM! SUPPORT THEM!!! Living here on this planet is temporary. LOVE THEM!!! And if you don't really love them, then let them GO!

I heard this song today and it struck me deep in my heart.
This was a group that Scott listened to and loved their stuff, and I didn't get it. But I do now.
Scott lived fast, but he lived deep. Deeper than I knew. He changed me and his death changed me... forever.
I'm still very sad, but I'm okay with that now. I miss him, and I'm okay with that. I'm lonely and I'm learning to be okay with that too. I want to encourage anyone who is dealing with grief and the loss and tragedy of a life cut short, that it will be OKAY! I didn't feel that a year ago. And often I question that I will be okay... but the bottom line is simply that life does move on and you move on with it.

Scott, I love you, babe, and I miss you and I'll love you all the rest of my days. But I have to let God heal me of this wound that losing you has left. And I know that you know what I feel and you understand that at some point, I will let you go, not completely, but I will let you go....

So I'm going to let Him do that. And I'm positive that this is what you would want me to do.

Growth happens in the change. I'm changing and I'm growing.

And I have to let the faith that got me through some of my most difficult times get me through the rest of my life. And I am excited and looking forward to seeing Scott and my mom, and my dad and all those who have gone before me, again...There will be a day...

Friday, July 30, 2010

I Think I Might Like It.....

Well, it's been about 3 weeks that I've been in my own place. Completely and utterly alone, but I think I might like it a bit.

I can come and go when I want without discussion about where I'm going, with whom, how long I'll be gone, when I'll be home.... It's nice, but... at the same time I miss that someone cares enough to want to know.

I dunno if that makes sense.

Scott has still be very present but kind of in the shadows lately. Someone said to me the other day that once you're dead, you're not able to communicate with the living. I tend to disagree.
I'm not saying that they actually "speak" to the living but the dead have ways to communicate. I never thought I'd be one to say this, but here I am saying it.

I have had this very strong "impression" that Scott wants me to look forward, not backward. That he wants me to move forward. In a way he's releasing me.

I don't want to be released but it's happening.

I'm quite content with my life the way it is right now. No drama, no fretting, no heavy weight upon me. God is actually giving me a break from the heartache I've felt for almost 2 years.
I keep trying to find a song that fits what I feel right now but I don't have one.

The only song that comes to mind is this one...

This is it... this is where I am right now. And ya know what???? It's OK!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

And the Story continues...

As I continue to struggle with the grief of losing my husband, and the lonliness that has occurred in my life, I find myself wondering how I managed to get through his dying process, which let me tell you, was much more of a difficult process than the grief.

The grief is hard, but the feeling of impending doom while he was slowly disintegrating before my very eyes, was SO INTENSE compared to the intense pain of not having him here. So I kept going back to “what did I do differently then than I’m doing now”. Then it hit me… I held on to God very tightly then. But since then there has been this “release” (on my part, surely). And therein lies the problem! My faith or my trust in Him hasn’t changed, I’ve just not been communicating with Him as much and I haven’t stayed connect!

Then today, I came across this:

“The apostle Paul encouraged us: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6). The outcome is that once we have prayed, we ought not to worry. Mary C. Crowley put it this way: "Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." Turning our problems over to God once we have done all we can do (with His help and guidance) is the essence of faith. It is a quiet trust that accepts the outcome, trusting that the decision is God's on our behalf and for our best interests.
Once we believe and understand that there is a Creator and that He loves the world (John 3:16), we can relieve our minds of the strain of anxiety and helplessness that often leads toward depression. It is amazing how resourceful we can be when we are not hampered by worries. So let your requests be made know to God!”

And God, using modern technology for His glory, once again is reminding me to “stay connected” through prayer and meditation!

Yes, it is difficult to do this when I’m in the throes of grief and anguish with missing my husband. I keep reminding myself that Scott is with God now and that helps me feel better, but Scott still isn’t here… with me physically. And yes, I miss that! A LOT!!!

So for anyone who happens to read this or stumble upon this… keep me in your prayers!