Saturday, May 28, 2011

The Finale 2011

As I listened to the series of the finale episodes of a famed female talk show host on Thursday, I felt empowered.

Now that woman can move you!

I was most impressed not only by what she was saying- the message she was giving, but also by the fact that she seems so humble. She handled herself with so much grace, even through the “ugly cry”.

And as I listened, I cried. It’s like death – almost. I won’t see live shows and I won’t get to hear about her next “great adventure”. It was like losing a dear loved one. I know that feeling all too well.

But really “WOWED” me was that in the end she gave all glory to God, Jesus Christ.

And that’s when I lost it. I spent hours just sobbing.

I was at that part of this grieving process where I realized that I couldn’t remember his voice. I had to let it out, and let it go. I struggled to remember, and couldn’t.

I finally released him.

Yesterday was a day of recovery. Recovering, once again, from my sorrow.

It’s not easier, but now I know how. And the people who’ve experienced this before me told me these feelings would never go away, you just learn to live with it. As I reflect back on some of this icon’s previous shows I remember staying home from work one day, I was tired, hurt and depressed. I flipped channels and landed on her show as she was introducing Nate. His experience with grief and his thoughts, one thought that captured me was, “The ‘date’ doesn’t matter. The memory matters and you always have that”.

Or something like that but those words fed my soul. It’s what I needed to hear, right then.

Nothing is coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING.

Watching her last show was like water to my soul. Not like the Water I get from Jesus, but through her He nourished me. She’s not my God, but I’ve watched God use her. A vessel to the world, she is.

I realized I’ve spent the last 2 years idle. Not knowing what I wanted to do or what I liked to do. But one thing I know for sure today, is I have compassion. Not the enabling kind, but the “hand up, not hand out” type. My husband taught me that before he died from cancer at age 52. And I finally realized yesterday that that part of the lesson I learned died with him.

I’ve had many “A-ha” moments. And I feel one coming on and I feel like my life is about to change once again. But, this time, for better or worse, One thing I know for sure God is in this with me. There is no doubt.

I’ve grieved and I’ve mourned. I will always miss Scott, and Oprah but it’s time to take the next step forward. As scary and exciting as it is I will embrace it and just “be”. Because I know their memories will live on, in my heart and in my life.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Time Heals All Wounds...

...or so the story goes. But nowhere does it say how much "time" that takes.

It's coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my husbands death, and I have trouble wrapping my head around that. 2 YEARS! It seems like yesterday yet, at the same time it seems like another life time.

People say things to indicate to me that they think I should be "moving on" and "getting over it" or "it's been 2 years". Those words mean nothing to me. I've come to understand that everyone's grief is different and take their own time in "getting over it".

There's a bigger part of me that wants to move on, but there's always going to be that little part of me that doesn't.

At first I just thought it was because I witnessed the trauma of his cancer and his death, and I just needed to heal from that, but the thing I struggle with the most is that I'm afraid I will forget. Forget about what our relationship meant to us. It wasn't an easy relationship, but it was ours.

We both had hard times with relationships because of our baggage that we both brought in but, he was, in the end living up to his promises. He was loved by so many, it was astounding to me. No one loved him more than I did. I was his "angel". And I can't forget that.

I saw in him the man I always knew was there, buried under the crap life dealt out to him. And I will never be able to "move on" from our last gaze into each others eyes. A promise kept.

As I head into May I'm burdened with the loss of him. I want that burden to go away, but it doesn't. Although, it's not as bad as it was last year. So I guess there's hope in the progress made so far.

I don't think anyone ever completely gets over it. I think we just get used to living with the grief. The load is lighter these days, but the load is still one I carry.

There are days when I still wish he was here, but then I wouldn't want to keep him here if he were in such enormous pain. Both physically and emotionally.

For me, it's like the music is gone from my life. The colors of the flowers are faded. I'm half of a whole and broken. I know it takes time and I have to make more effort, I just do not have the motivation to do that. I don't like doing things alone.


As Scott would say, "It is what it is - so deal with it". But I don't know what that looks like or how I'm supposed to do that.

Life takes it's twists and turns but I still.... wish he was here....