WAIT for it.

Okay, so everyone knows that Scott has cancer. And that it’s very serious. I’m in a situation where my perspective is completely different than his.

I’ve actually written a lengthy dissertation on it, just to get it off my chest and to validate what I was feeling and thinking. I may post it one day. I don’t know.

It was during a conversation I had with Scott in the wee hours of the A.M., (aka; "who-am") yesterday about his feelings on what’s going on. He seems, to me, to have been much less “concerned” than I have been. He probably freaks out when I'm at work.

Yep, wrote about that too, but his comment to me seems to indicate back to me that he is concerned, but doesn’t seem to despair about it. He said, what he’s said from the beginning, “this is in God’s hands”. And he seems to have a peace about it. I on the other hand didn’t start out with that peace at all, and still struggle with having peace, but I’m learning to lean on God and allow Him to give me that peace. I have good days and I have bad days.

As we come up on the appointed time to meet with his oncologist, Dr. Cheng, tomorrow morning at 9AM, the air around me is pregnant with anticipation. Or maybe it’s just me. I feel the anxiousness of getting the final diagnosis, and then having conversations about what to do next, depending on what the outcome of the lung biopsy is. I have tons of questions and God has given me enough sense to write them down because I will forget when the time comes to ask them.

We are relying heavily on the prayers of our friends and family. And our friends, that are more like family than our family, have encouraged me in my deepest times of despair. One person in particular has allowed me the room, the space, and the ability to just cry, brought me a box of tissue and didn’t try to change the subject, then fed me soup. She let me vent even when my venting didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but she’s been through something similar and so she “knows”. She let me have my very own private “freak out” session.

God has given me strength – but He gives it to me sparingly and daily only. Like manna from heaven. Only enough for today, not extra to save up for later. He continues to put people in my life and in my daily “paths” that encourage me, or say something that is so profoundly supportive that I’m speechless, and they probably don’t even know how much their words meant to me in that very moment.

I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.

Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!

How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.

Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it.

I just watched a movie a couple of weeks ago for the 2nd time with Scott, it was called “Facing the Giants”. The first time it was great but the 2nd time, WOW! What a powerful movie, but one line in the movie that kept getting repeated is the line I woke up with today. “If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him." Then another line from the movie, where the husband asks his wife, “If God doesn’t give you a baby, will you still love Him”? Yep, I cry even as I type this. So I had to ask myself, if God doesn’t spare my husband’s life will I still love Him. Of course I will. It will be hard, so hard. But I know that this will be a "hind-sight" moment, where you look back on your life and say to yourself, "oh, I see, I get it now".

I hate the not knowing. I like to prepare for things. And God knows this about me. So He continually puts things in my path that knock the air out of my sails and I have to “back up 6 steps and punt” (another line from “Facing the Giants”). In His own way, He’s preparing me. I don’t get to have an active role, with the exception that I have to be obedient and “wait on Him”.

So here I am, listening to music that touches my soul and remembering conversations with my friends and my children and letting the Lord comfort me and give me my manna, His strength daily.

And staying connected to Him. Clinging to Him. He is the Vine, I am but a branch, clinging to Him.

Life's Bouncing Ball.

Okay, so I was thinking today when I was trying to nap and couldn’t fall asleep that life is like a ball.

It’s bouncing between God and me.

Most of the time it’s bouncing pretty good, regardless of the trials I face and joys I'm experiencing. Something happens, I bounce it up and then He says, “You can do this, I’m here with you”, and bounces it back. It gets hard to deal with life and its tragedies and I bounce it back and he bounces it for me for awhile and then bounces it back.

Then wonderful things are happening and the ball goes back and forth quickly as I share my highs with the Lord and He is just as pleased as I am and bounces it back, “Here, see how I’ve blessed you”.

You get the idea…

Then like every other human being I know, I get distracted and turn my spiritual eyes away from Him and drop the damn thing and it goes rolling away. This is when I find I’m freaking out and I’m emotionally and spiritually out of control.

How strange that this happens during the times when I need to stay focused on God and paying attention.

What happens?? Why do I do that?? I get so frustrated! I feel so foolish.

My own frustration/foolishness level rises and I give up, of course, till He quietly calls me back again. He is faithful even and more so, when I am not. And I'm thinking about "mustard seeds" here.

Then I ask myself why do I lose faith?? What happens to my head that the first thing I do is regress to old ways?? Back to the old ways of trying to “work it out on my own”, and the last thing I do is bounce it back up to Him, when He’s waiting right there to catch it.

I know I need to be more disciplined, especially now! Discipline has never been my strong point. I know I have some discipline, but I often wonder where I got that. Then I heard a song today by Nicole C. Mullin called "One Touch" and it was about just touching the hem of His garment. Yep, started to cry!!! I hate it when that happens! But at the same time I needed that to happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7LyHDvcz3M

That's how I feel today, that all I have right now is the strength to just touch the hem.

So here I am tossing the life ball back to Him and knowing that He’s going to catch it, put a bit strength on it, and toss it back to me.

"This is no longer a part of your life"

Well, God is taking me on another journey. The quit smoking journey. Most people think, oh, quitting smoking, what's the journey in that. But, this is more than just quitting smoking, it's a spiritual journey as much as it's a physical journey.

It's about being obedient and aware of God's ever presence in my life. And His will for me.

This journey that started before I even knew there was going to be a journey. (See previous post.)

Yes, I was in a "funk". It wasn't a big deal, I just knew that God was trying to get my attention and couldn't figure out why. My question to God has always been "WHY?"

Well, I made the decision to go to the Terra Nova Women's Retreat in October. It was a choice between a new sofa or the retreat. Somehow, I chose the retreat. A God thing.

Now, let me tell you!, I had no intention of quitting smoking the day I left for the retreat. Even after friends and close family members urged me to quit. Even after poor Ethan, my then 3 year old grandson, chased me out the door and stood at the glass slider door pleading with me "don't do that gramma, it's bad for you"!, his words and the look on his face haunt me, still.

Yet, I still just smoked. I would make up stories as to what I was doing outside to avoid Ethan's recriminations! But yet, I still wasn't going to quit smoking. I felt like, I'm grown, I can do what I want to do.

At the retreat, the Holy Spirit was "full", for lack of a better word, at this time, and I felt that God was impressing something on me. At first I didn't know what it was. But it was there and it was heavy.

Then during a break, I went outside and lit one up. I heard Him say gently, quietly, "I want you to put that away". What the heck! HUH!!!??? I just lit this! These suckers are expensive! But, was I obedient, oh, no I wasn't, but the feeling that I let my Lord down was HUGE. It wasn't guilt or shame, it was something else, but I don't have a word for it.

We went back inside to finish up our morning with our speaker, Danna Demetre, and some of the things she said just hit me in the head like a two by four. And the final "brick" being tossed at me, was Romans 12:1,
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, (and sisters- my edition) in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual or reasonable act of worship". Oh, jeez, "an act of worship".

I've heard this verse a thousand times in my Christian walk, but that day it was HUGE.
A God thing.

And so I knew deep in my heart that I had to quit smoking. I hated it. I dreaded it. I really didn't want to do it. I know how hard it is to quit. I've done it many times. I was praying about it and really hoping that I totally misunderstood the message. Nope, I didn't. He wanted me to quit, and promised that He has something so much better for me.

I was speaking to my car pool buddy about it on the way home, and she offered to hold me accountable, but I didn't think that was what God wanted. I didn't know this at the time.

God has made it very clear to me, that He is holding me accountable. In a very loving and wonderful way God is getting me through this. He is revealing to me many wonderful things. He's answering questions I've had for 10 years! He's blessing me through this and I am in absolute awe of Him at this moment.

It's really funny how God prepared me for this. I started identifying my "triggers", the things that make me want to smoke, boredom, anger, hunger, tiredness, after dinner, in the car, so on and so on. I just knew that I was preparing to go into a battle of some kind. I chose my method of medicinal assistance, the nicotine patch, and I told my family and friends, some of who smoke, what my plan was and picked a date. October 19th. The day after I turned 50 years old. Then just recently I found a website called www.becomeanex.com and all those things are there! All of them!!! A God thing.

The first few days weren't too bad. The 5th day was horrible, I couldn't get past a craving no matter how hard I tried. Then He gave me this simple sentence, "This is no longer a part of your life".
He didn't say, "NO you can't have it". Or, "NO you don't need it". He simply said, "This is no longer a part of your life". And every time I repeat that, whether in my head or out loud the craving passes quickly and I move on. And today as I say this sentence, I am comforted.

Day 10 was the worst of it, I think, and I hope. I was in the middle of the hardest, longest craving so far and I tried to stay busy. I took care of 6 loads of laundry. That's hard work since I live in an apt. and have to "schlep" baskets over to the laundry room 3 buildings and an alley over. And my neck pain was excruciating. I took the dog out for a walk, I picked up around the house. I was doing deep breathing exercises, EVERYTHING! I could think of, I did it.
I finally got in the shower and just cried out to the Lord, "LORD!, PLEASE!". And in that moment, the craving was gone. Completely gone. I cannot express the relief! I could breathe!!!

But I learned something else. And that was simply that all He wants me to do is ask. Not just expect that He's "got it" but to come to Him and ask Him. UH, DUH!

As I mentioned earlier He's answered many questions and has relieved me of some burdens that I've carried with me for a long time. One of those questions, and burdens was, why did He allow Todd and I to get married only to have it fail so terribly and miserably?? WHY WHY WHY!?? Please understand, it's not because I still love him, or want that marriage back - oh HELL NO, but I've struggled with this for so long and pretty much figured that I could have an answer when I get to heaven.

I don't remember what day of this journey it was on, but for some reason I was thinking about this again. I hadn't thought about it in a couple of years. And then there was the answer - He allows us free will. And even when our free will is SO NOT in His will for us He will use it for His glory. The reason He allowed this (even though it broke His heart to watch) was multifaceted.

First, He had to get me out of the environment I was in. I was in a place where my sins were all around me, friends I had, drinking buddies, party pals were everywhere. In order to work in my life effectively, He had to get me out of my "geographic".

Second, He had to take me away from my kids. I surely wasn't taking care of them. Oh, I paid the bills but that was pretty much it. I partied, I set terrible examples. There were no boundaries, no rules, no nothing. I was a "bad mother". I'm sure there were and are worse mother's than I was, but I wasn't that much better. And it still wasn't right. I was just at a loss as to what to do with them. I had to have that taken away from me by God since the system couldn't, so I would know what I had. It was one of those "you don't miss your water till the well runs dry" kind of things. Oh, and I missed them. I longed for them. I wanted them to have what I was having. A new found wonderful thing called Jesus Christ. But they wanted nothing more to do with me for awhile. Oh, but God has restored and redeemed them back to me and it makes them so much more precious to me now.

Third, I got educated in His Word. I learned more in 18 months than I had ever learned in my entire life. I got the "meat and potatoes" of bible history. I studied the OT and the NT.
I learned of His first followers and I studied the book of Revelation, and I learned and I learned and oh, I was thirsty. I soaked it all in. I didn't know then but it was in preparation for future "faith builder" events that happened later.

Fourth, He had to show me that even "so called", "self professed" christian (note the lower case "c") men have their own agenda's. And Todd had his own agenda's. Once those agenda's were met, I no longer mattered. Nor did our marriage.

Fifth and finally, He wanted me to see how He showed me the way out of this mess, that I could no longer bear. He showed me where my grounds for leaving were and provided for me during that time.

Many things happened after the failure of my marriage to Todd. I walked away from God. I turned my back on a wonderful thing. Not because I didn't believe. I always believed, but I was terribly confused. I didn't know what to think. I had fallen into a huge depression and had it not been for one of God's wonderfully holy people, Terri McAuley, I wouldn't be here today. I was in limbo. I was on the fence, I was a "mugrump". My mug on one side and my rump on the other. I made some stupid choices but it wasn't too bad. I met Scott during this time so it's all good.

I gave up a lot to have what I have now with Him. And I have been healed of much. Many of my wounds are covered in His blood. And my gratitude is HUGE.

Today is Day 21 of this journey. I feel God with me and around me even through some of the issues I'm facing have nothing to do with my quitting smoking.

He reminded me through Lindsay's cancer scare that He was "in this" and that I had to have faith and He has rewarded that faith with a clean bill of health for her. That's all I wanted, oh how much He has again given back to me. After many doctor's visits and referrals to specialists (who really don't know what they're doing) and many, many uncomfortable tests, there is no more cancer. She doesn't have to have Interferon treatments, which we found out would have done her more harm than good even though this is what was the recommended treatment. She simply has to have and MRI and a PET Scan every year and follow up with a dermatologist annually and of course use sunscreen and stay out of the sun during peak hours.
My faith was rewarded. My child was spared. Even though the guilt was heavy. The feeling like - why would He spare my child, when so many others were dying and suffering terribly.
Another "Why" question.

He's reminded me that guilt and shame are not of Him. They are of the enemy. To distract us from Him and take our focus off of Him. He simply just loves me just like I am and wants me to be obedient.

I have a long way to go before I'm done with this particular journey and I will continue to ask people to pray for my complete recovery from smoking. And for now, I'm walking slowly with Him every day. Some people may not even recognize this, but that's okay too. Because I know Him and He knows me, intimately, and that's really all that matters to me right now in this moment. In the meantime, I'll pray for those who don't understand.

I know that no matter what I look like, how much I weigh, how big my belly gets, or what my evil thoughts are, He loves me.

HE LOVES ME!!!

How I wish for other's to have what I have with Him. I try to explain it to people, but they look at me with that dazed look, like, "huh". And I am learning that I have to just let Him work in them as He is working in me. And pray for them. It's a process. I have the courage now, I never had before, to speak out about Him in places I never would have. I've been very open with people at work about how and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And it's opened up a lot of conversations that I can only hope are "of Him".

And finally I can say without question or doubt that the next journey will be even more trying and even more difficult, but I look forward to it because I know He is with me always.

I'm reminded in His Word - in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". I'm in good hands.

What more do I need?? What more does anyone need??

Just stuff...

Okay, so I said I'd blog more often and yet, I haven't. My bad.



So here's what's going on and what's on my mind these days.



I'm crocheting like a freak!!! LOL. And anyone who knows me, knows what I mean.

I've read a couple of really good books. "The Shack". Definitely thought provoking.
And I'm reading "The Fisherman" now. So far it's good. I'm also into "The Ragamuffin Gospel".



As for my personal stuff.....



My daughter and I met the "head dude" in charge of all Melanoma research at UCLA. And his opinion - based on the size of her mole and the shallowness of it, regardless of the lymph node involvement, he's recommending no treatment. He feels that the treatment would do her more harm than good.

This seems like an answer to prayer. Yes, God has heard my cry. The cry to spare my child. Why He would choose to do this is beyond my understanding and I'm reminded that His ways are not my ways and my understanding is not the same as His understanding.

The only thing he is recommending is annual MRI's and Cat Scan's. She had her first MRI of her brain yesterday. And the Cat scan next week.



This is such a relief...... yet, I'm still in a "funk". A place in my mind and my heart where I feel like I'm in "limbo". I feel like I'm just supposed to "wait". Not do any more than what I'm doing, not get involved in any other projects. Just "wait". I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or why. Maybe it's because I'm turning 50 next month, maybe it's ..... I don't know. I just feel like I need to hang back and "wait".



Yet, there are things going on in my life that are blessings - seeing Jane again was huge. I miss SHOUT and my relationship with the woman who gave me back my voice.

My work is going good. Everyone is doing fine. My husband is fine. And I'm holding on to those blessings. Yet, I'm still in a funk. I really don't like it, but I know that God is up to something. Something great and wonderful.



Kristen and Jeff moved away (at least its not Georgia) but now I have no place to retreat to and have lunch with the boys. I've adjusted to this. I miss those times and wish that I could have them back. But things move forward and life continues to be fluid.



My neck issue is really becoming a problem. It's not Osteo Arthritis as originally suspected. And now the orthopedic specialist seems to think it's bursitis. Hopefully the PT will help as will the new drugs. I'm trying to have an open mind and be postive but I have this feeling that there's something more going on that I don't know about. Maybe that's just my pessimistic part coming out. I just don't know.



We're not moving anytime soon so we're going to redecorate the apartment to make it more "homey". This is the most exciting thing going on for me.



I'm really frustrated with the $$$ 700 Billion dollar $$$ bail out that the government feels we should pay for the mortgage industry. I say let them bail themselves out!!! Accountability people!!! Accountability!!! What's frustrating is that this is my tax dollars, that worked my hind end off for, and I don't even get a say so about it. ARGH!! And then what do I do if my own bank goes under. Jeez, life just gets so stupid sometimes.



Next post will be updated pictures.



There! I've shared.... (you know who you are.... )

July's Blog

This week we had a Bible study. It was more a Bible discussion really, but it got us all thinking. The topic of discussion was (and is still) “Why Do I Believe in God”?

This got me thinking. I mean REALLY thinking. I tried to sum it up (in my own head) as just one reason why I believed in God, but I couldn’t do it. My belief is multifaceted.
And that’s OK!!!

And it was interesting to me that everyone in our group felt the same way. This made it even more OK!!???

The first facet of my belief is creation. This was the same as Debbie’s view, God’s beautiful earth, and all the creatures in and around it. I look at the trees (I LOVE TREES) and flowers and how they grow and it just amazes me. Then I see all the people. All the personalities and differences in each and every one of them and again, I’m amazed!

I cannot write this off as a “random act” of nature.

The earth and all the people are part of God’s plan. It’s all part of God’s desire. And finally and most importantly to me is that it’s personal. God found me in a really bad place; I was a horrible person, a horrible parent, a horrible friend, and just a worthless waste of human life and oxygen. And He turned my life completely around. He did things in my mind and in my heart that I never thought could be done. He got rid of a lot of the old falsehoods I had about Him and life.

It was a very difficult process but He brought me through it (and still is) and even though I walked away from Him for a time, I could sense Him calling me back. Not demanding me to come home, but calmly, quietly, gently leading me back into His presence. Why He would even want me there is still beyond me. But He does and He reminds me everyday how important I am to Him. He loves me like I was, like I am and like I will be.

Then the question was thrown out there – how do you answer that question to someone who doesn’t believe in God?? WOW! I have always had this attitude “to each his own”. But if the unbeliever asked me, “Why do you believe in God”, what the heck would I say.

Then it dawned on me that my words don’t matter. My life does. How I treat others, my attitude, my testimony of where I was when God found me and where He’s taken me. And where I am now, and where He will take me in the future

It’s more a Holy Spirit thing, I think. I would hope that God would continue to use me as the vessel and put the words in my mouth that this person would most need to hear. I have been used like this before and I love how God works through me even though I have NO CLUE that this is happening. And I’m sure he continues to use me in ways, to this day and moment in time, and I am CLUELESS of it right now.

With everything going on in my life, with my daughter’s cancer – and there was more bad news yesterday, a new grand baby (this is the joy in the troubled time), the tension that life’s difficulties cause in my marriage I’ve had to really search my soul on this question.

I have to ask Him everyday – “why?” Why should He allow my child not to be sick?
I never get an answer to the Why part. I get the feeling that “the why part” is none of my business. My business is only to “do”. And I’m mostly at a loss as to what that is exactly.

I ask Him to spare my child, and feel so selfish doing that. Why should He spare my child of cancer when so many other people are dying from cancer?

The news from the oncologist yesterday was not good. Her chance of survival as it is right now, without treatment is 60%. With the immunotherapy, Interferon, it will go to 70% - maybe. They just aren’t sure. The type of cancer she has is still so new that there’s not enough data and studies to know for sure if she will get that 10% extra. And her case is unusual – based on the size and depth of the mole removed there should not have been any lymph node involvement, but there was. So they just don’t know.
He explained what the therapy would do to her body and her mind and she’s opting out.
It’s her choice. She will be watched carefully for any indicators of more cancer cells. She will be fatigued, and she will be sick. It’s just what it does at this stage.

And through all of this I still believe in God. Does my belief change – no. Is it tested – yes. My faith diminishes but never completely goes away. I am reminded that He is in control . And sometimes that’s really hard when you think the One in control isn’t doing it right! I’m frustrated and overwhelmed and just feel lost as to what to do or say.

Even when I question His judgment and my own, I still know in my heart that He knows right where I am and what is going to happen and whether or not I can handle it. And He knows right where you are and whether or not you can handle what you’re going through.

Have faith, fake it till you make it. It will come, it will get stronger, but you have to allow it to do so. Flowers don’t grow amongst the rocks. Allow your heart and mind to be a fertile place for faith to grow.

"Be Prepared"

Okay! Okay! I'm blogging already! That was for you S.G. -

Well it's been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks now. My youngest child was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma and had to have a couple of very painful tests before she had surgery. Surgery was on Friday the 2nd. I took the time off from work to be there and support her recovery. It was tough. She had a reaction to the anesthesia and was extremely nauseaous. That was difficult to battle along with the pain from the 2 incisions. One to remove the cancer from her back and the other to remove 2 lymphnodes in her right arm pit. It was originally only going to be 1 node, then the surgeon comes out and tells me he took 2. Somehow I can't think this is a good thing. Maybe it is, maybe it's just my active imagination.

I see her emotionally shutting down. It's her defense mechanism. It's her way of "dealing" with it. I don't like seeing this in her. She's crying at random times and it breaks my heart to know that she's in so much pain. Physically and emotionally. I am concerned about her spirituality and her ability to process everything that's happening to her right now.

I keep lifting all of this up to God. Since He warned me to "Be prepared" the night before during my prayer time. Ha, and I thought there would be a "natural disaster" that I needed to be prepared for. I thought I needed to be prepared for some kind of accident. Not this. Please Lord, not this!

Yes, I keep taking it back, but I quickly try to turn it back over to Him. His Will be done. I may not like it much, and I may not like the final outcome much, but one thing I know for sure.... He is in control. I have and will continue to, plead with Him to spare the life of my child. To keep her in His grip. To put a hedge around her and help her deal with this emotionally. To show her all of His Glory. I want so bad for her to have a true relationship with Him. But I have to let her do this on her own. I keep trying to just point the way back to Him. And pray. It's all I can do.

Be prepared....

I keep wondering how I can possibly be "prepared" for something like this. I never thought that I would have to be prepared for this. It never occurred to me that I could "lose a child". And what about her sisters?? How will they deal with this horrible thing thats happened to their baby sister?? One thing I do know - we will all never be the same again.

How does a mother of a grown child respond and react to this horrible thing?
I'm doing what comes to me. I'm being the strong one, the supporter, the care taker. This is what I do. It's my nature to be this way. It's one of my gifts.

I know that there are some people who believe that once a child has grown and left home that they're left to their own devices. I'm not like that. Nor can I understand anyone who thinks this way. I respect it, but I don't understand it. As I'm sure there are people who don't understand what and why I do what I do for my grown children.

I can't and will not let her "figure it out" when it comes to something that's life or death. If she drove drunk and got busted and had to go to jail, then I'd let her figure it all out, but this isn't something I want to "let her figure out" on her own. She doesn't understand all the medical terminologies and how serious this could get. As if it isn't already.

All the sisters have come to see her after surgery to check on her and have offered support for me too. And I realized again that that's what WE are all about. We've all been through too much to not support each other. It's what WE do. We have struggled with many different issues and now we are "there" for each other. And always will be. Regardless of where we are and what we do.

I cherish what God has redeemed back to me. My children and my relationships with them.
I will not just back away and not be in their lives and support whatever decisions they make or whatever illnesses they have to face. Whether or not anyone agrees with what I'm doing matters very little to me now. I will not turn my back on the wonderful gift God has given back to me. How could I possibly do that!?

I have requested prayer and all the people that are praying means so much to me that the words "thank you" are not enough. The gratitude I feel for this gesture is so great that I can't put a word that really expresses what I feel to it.

So for anyone of you people out there that read this and have been praying - thank you. And know that these words are too small to fully express my gratitude.

I've had alot of moments where I don't have words for what I feel lately. The words just don't come to me to accurately express what I'm feeling. I just keep doing the only thing I know to do and that's pray. Maybe that's why I don't have words. God wants me only to speak to Him right now. And let Him get me through this. I feel His presence more so now than I ever have in my life. He keeps cheering me up with my favorite bird songs that He fills the air with. With just a little voice in my heart that says, "I've got this one". "I'm here". The peace that comes over me at times when there should be little or no peace I know is of Him. He gives us peace that surpasses understand. AMEN! Can I get a witness?!!!

Update...

Okay, so my sister says that I need to update her picture. So... here it is. A new picture of Sissy and her "peanut". It's not so much a peanut anymore. This picture was taken on Easter Sunday 2008 and she's due to give birth in August. So she's at the halfway point now. What took me aback when I saw her this day is that she looks the same carrying this child as our mother looked carrying our brothers and her. She's carrying "wide" rather than "out". Where Brianne, my daughter is carring "out". See next picture.

She's had a difficult pregnancy so far - morning sickness has been a "killer". She still struggles with it as I did with Shannon, my first one. Back then we didn't have medicine to help us, we just ended up in the hospital with dehydration if we weren't careful. Fortunately for me, I had a good friend, Ann, who was a nutritionist and she really helped me. I hope that the rest of her pregnancy and delivery go easier for her. I've totally encouraged an epidural. Why suffer when you don't have to anymore.

This picture is of my daughter, Brianne, also known as Bree. She's due 3 weeks sooner than my sister and they look very similar. Some people think they're sisters, but they're not. Bree is carrying "out".

Yes, and as everyone knows they're both having boys!