Now I get it - maybe...

Before I get into this new "thought" that I'm going to share, I have to say that Scott's had a rough couple of days. He had what the Hospice RN called a "pain crisis". That would be putting it mildly - it was more like a pain storm. He's better today but each time something else happens it diminishes him even further and I am in a constant state of anxious anticipation and apprehension. I never know what the next moment is going bring. I never know if I'm going to sleep through the night. I don't know that I'll ever sleep through the night again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - I'm just "tellin' it like it is".

This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!

So anyway, onto my thoughts....

On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;

"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."

So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!

So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.

Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!

Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??

Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.

So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...

WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS STRONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeUuF3fE9iQ

I wrote in my last blog that when I am at my weakest moment God is strong. And I’ve had to really focus on that exclusively over the last few months. I’ve had to focus on that I know what I know. And what I know is that God knows exactly where I am, what’s going on in my mind and my heart. He knows how I feel and continues to give me such great comfort and peace.

I’ve asked him to be with me, and he said to me, very clearly – I AM.

WOW! Here’s the God part - a friend sent me this song and I broke down and cried. Just that God would use people around me to relay His messages when I doubt I heard Him.

He continues to put a song on my heart most mornings, and puts people before me to let me know that He is here. He knows my needs. I have not to want or need for anything. God is making sure that any “need” we have is being met. God is so GREAT! And so powerfully strong!!!

Oh Lord, please forgive me for doubting that I hear you.

I’ve come to realize that those times when I think I’m strong all by myself I’m really not doing that in my own power. It’s God’s Power only. And I feel like Peter – you know that time when Peter saw Jesus on the water – walking on the water and He called to Peter and Peter kept his eyes on Jesus and walked on water –only when he took his eyes off Jesus did he start to fall into the water. And even still God rescued him. And that’s how I feel sometimes. When I take my eyes off him for a moment and drown in the abyss of this life that is mine, He steps in, picks me out of it, dries me off and encourages me with His peace to look forward.

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of Saturdays ago and she asked me if I had thought of what I was going to do after Scott died. Because regardless of my confusion, he is going to die. At first I didn’t know what to think or to say and I tried to come off as I knew what I was going to do, but instead I cried. Just plain cried… because I honestly don’t have a clue as to what I’m going to do. I don't even know why I cried, I can only guess that I needed to and I felt safe enough with my friend to just cry.

I say I’m ready, but then I doubt that I am. Can anyone ever be ready for the death of a loved one?? Even when I know that his death could happen at any time now, I wonder if I’m really ready. Not just for the death part, but for the after the death part. Am I ready?? I don’t know, but God knows.

And again, when I am weak, He is strong. He is so strong!

THE DIFFERENT FACES OF FAITH

I’ve had several discussions with my friends about faith and what my faith looks like. Well, it’s kind of hard not to talk about that because my life has always been about faith. It’s been a journey of faith long before I even knew what true faith was. But, this experience has really been a lesson in faith.

Both of my study groups are discussing faith – in my Saturday morning group – this is the main topic – in my Wednesday night group, it’s about women of faith. So the topic of faith is always on my mind and in my heart. Plus I’m reading a book about Extraordinary Faith by Sheila Walsh.


Scott’s upset with what my faith looks like, because my faith isn’t in God giving Scott a miracle healing. That’s not to say that I don’t believe that He could, but I cannot make my faith look like Scott’s faith. It’s like both of us standing in a mirror. We both look different, so does our faith.


This fact used to bother me, but it doesn’t now. I am a different person and so therefore my faith is going to look different too.

Here’s what my faith looks like – My faith is in what is “of God”.

This cancer is not “of God”. This cancer is evil. God is not evil. So this is not of God, so my faith is not in this cancer “going away”. My faith is in that the God of this universe (not of this world, but of the universe) has allowed this thing to happen to us for whatever reason and my faith is that God will use this to His Glory. To let others see that He is present in this with us. Getting us through it.

And part of this is also that we suffer the consequences of our own choices. Scott has smoked for over 30 years. Smoking is proven to cause cancer. In his past he’s abused drugs and alcohol, alcohol and cigarettes together have been scientifically proven to cause this particular kind of cancer. I don’t know if God will “save” him on this earth from the consequences of his own choices. That remains to be seen. But I know we all suffer the consequences of our own choices in one way or another. My faith is that God has saved him from eternal death. Scott will get to be with Christ in heaven.

My faith is that God is with me through this. He continues to give me strength, peace – overwhelmingly, and wisdom (even when I don’t think to ask for it). He continues to put people and things in my life that lift me up and support me.

There are times when I’m so incredibly weak and stumble and fall over this whole experience and He is there to just comfort me, to whisper to me “sweet nothings”, and to assure and reassure me that all is not lost. He is MOST faithful to me when I’m weak. During my weakest times He proves to me that He is strong. And that’s another thing that I want people to see through all this hardship that I’m going through. I’m not the strong one in this. God is holding me up, you just can’t see it. Or sometimes you only see it through those people he puts in my life that hold me up and comfort me.

And I can’t even imagine trying to get through something like this without my God. How do people who don’t believe in our wonderful God get through this kind of experience? How do people get through this without the hope that we have????

The tears still come. Sometimes they come and don’t stop and other times they come at the most inappropriate times. But I don’t fear them now. And I don’t fight them either. I know that this is God’s way of letting some of the stress out of me. It’s like having a water balloon that’s too full. It just starts to leak and that’s what’s happening. Sometimes I leak. And sometimes this feels like I’m going crazy. There will be a blog on that soon too!!!

My faith is that even when Scott’s body dies , his spirit will live forever with Christ and we will always have what we’ve had. And we will meet again. And when we do I know that he’ll have some smart ass statement about all this and we will laugh and laugh about all of the stupid petty stuff we let ourselves worry about now. I look forward to that time.

So, that’s where my hope is and that is what my faith looks like – heaven.

Just some thoughts.

I keep saying I’m going to start writing stuff down and then all of a sudden something else happens and I distracted. Or I just don’t want to share what I’m feeling and thinking. I don't think this is going to change any time soon.
***********************************************************************************
Scott decided on Sunday morning to stop the cancer treatments. The side effects from the treatment came on too soon and were/are still brutal. what should have happened in about 10 days, started happening in 2-3 days. The soreness in his mouth didn’t compare to the sore throat. The weight loss was HUGE. The loss of appetite, the saliva disappearing, the taste buds being fried and the sore throat all led to the weight loss.

We’ve had so many conversations about so many things that there’s no way I can write down and put into words the emotions that go with all of this. No one can truly prepare you for this period of time! I was telling a friend of ours last night that I didn’t think I needed to be prepared for this yet. I thought I had plenty of time to make decisions like the ones I’ve had to make lately. I thought once I retired I would think about this kind of thing. But here I am, facing this giant. This big, bad-ass, ugly evil thing called cancer. Yes, it’s evil and it’s nasty. This can only be of Satan.

How can sadness and joy live together in the same moment, I don’t know but I know that it does. I live it every minute of every day.

As I lay awake in the middle of the night and listen to my husband breathe, I wonder if today will be the day. Will I be ready? And then he wakes up and it’s not today, not yet. And I can breathe a sigh of relief. He’s happy and sick at the same time. And I'm happy he's happy, and I'm sad he's sick - all at the same time.

I try to have faith in the miracle that he so desires. His faith never wavers – if God chooses to let him live longer he will, if he doesn’t then he gets to go home. He's fine with whatever God decides to do.

Here's the other side of it: then he’s not here for me to “play” with. There’s joy that he will no longer be miserable but then there’s the “selfish” sadness that he won’t be here anymore either.

I’m reminded of when I was a small child about age 6 or 7 and my very best friend in the whole world moved very far away. I was happy they were getting a new house but I was sad that I wouldn’t see her again and we wouldn't get to talk and play anymore. I was never the same after that.

That’s what this feels like only there is that joy that I will see him again in heaven when it’s my turn to come up and “play” with him and Jesus. But while I'm here, I'll never be the same again.

Adventure in Faith

Since I worked and studied hard for our Alpha Omega group topical study on faith and couldn't make it to the study at thought I could at least post it on the blog. I took some liberties and took out a few things and added a few things.

Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.

I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.

There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.

We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.

Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?

Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??

King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.

What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.

So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.

What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.

(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )

But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.

I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –

1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust

I like # 4 the best.

I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:

The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”

I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”

The Good Shepherd

So, here we are staring Stage 4 cancer in the face and even though God’s Word says more than 350 times “do not fear” in my human-ness/sinfulness - I fear. What I’m seeing is HUGE and it’s UGLY. Here's the latest news... If Scott does nothing, no treatment, he has 1 month or less. With treatment, he has 3 months, maybe more, but most of that 3 months will be hell due to the therapy. But we’re kind of stuck. The alternative is worse and it would be “messy”. And it’s scary looking. I wonder what King David was really thinking when he was looking up at Goliath.
I have wonderful friends that continue to lift my spirits with their words, prayers, and deeds.

And without them in my life things would be SO incredibly different. I had coffee with one of those friends last Saturday. We both have enjoyed some of the same movies and books and we are in a bible study together and yet often have very conflicting points of view. But, we love each other enough to respect those views. Anyway, we were talking about a recent favorite movie of mine that I am often blessed by called “Facing the Giants”. There’s a scene in the movie that she reminded me of and I believe this was “inspired by God”- where the “hall prayer” tells the main character the story of 2 farmers who were praying for rain. One of them didn’t prepare his fields and the other did. They both got the rain, but the one who prepared his field was rewarded for his faith. My friend pointed out that I’ve done all the research and preparation I can do ( I don’t know if I’m quite done but I get her point ) and now I need to wait for the rain. WOW!! More waiting, but I’m reminded to “have faith in the waiting”. To honor God in the waiting. Yes, Lord, I will still love you.

I’m also reading a book I’ve read several times before by a favorite author of mine, Phillip Keller, called “A Shepherd looks at Psalms 23”. Each time I read it I’m comforted or something just ministers to me and I’m totally BLESSED! And I came across a couple of paragraphs that really supported what my friend was saying to me on Saturday.

This book is really a comparison of sheep and humans and their individual nature. How we humans are really so much like sheep in our very nature. We, like sheep don’t rest if there’s any threat or discomfort.

Page 37- Ps. 23:2
“He maketh me to lie down...”

“In the Christian’s life there is no substitute for the keen awareness that my Shepherd is nearby. There is nothing like Christ’s presence to dispel the fear, the panic the terror of the unknown."

My friend and I were talking about the unknown and how frightening that is and then I read the above and the below. WOW again!

“We live a most uncertain life. Any hour can bring disaster, danger and distress from unknown quarters. Life is full of hazards. No one can tell what a day will produce in new trouble. We live either in a sense of anxiety, fear and foreboding, or in a sense of quiet rest. Which is it?
Generally it is the “unknown”, the “unexpected” that produces the greatest panic. It is in the grip of fear that most of us are unable to cope with the cruel circumstances and harsh complexities of life. We feel they are foes which endanger our tranquility. Often our first impulse is simply to get up and run from them.

Then in the midst of our misfortunes there suddenly comes the awareness that He, the Christ, the Good Shepherd is there. It makes all the difference. His presence in the picture throws a different light on the whole scene. Suddenly things are not half so black nor nearly so terrifying. The outlook changes and there is hope. I find myself delivered from fear. Rest returns and I can relax”. Just like sheep.

So here I am, “Baaahhhhing” away at my Goliath and my Lord comes into the picture. He’s really always been here I just didn’t see Him as clearly as I do right now. His presence comforts me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still somewhat fearful. I am still doubtful, He’s working with me on that one too.
Some days are good and some days, not so much. I have more good than bad days lately. I’m still very sad, but I know that He is there and nothing that comes upon me hasn’t already gone through Him first.

“If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him”.

And finally, my dearest friend in the world right now, sent me this song that was SO appropriate that I had to share it with you. Please click on the link and close your eyes and just listen. Just listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-CK8QqV1qQ&feature=related

WAIT for it.

Okay, so everyone knows that Scott has cancer. And that it’s very serious. I’m in a situation where my perspective is completely different than his.

I’ve actually written a lengthy dissertation on it, just to get it off my chest and to validate what I was feeling and thinking. I may post it one day. I don’t know.

It was during a conversation I had with Scott in the wee hours of the A.M., (aka; "who-am") yesterday about his feelings on what’s going on. He seems, to me, to have been much less “concerned” than I have been. He probably freaks out when I'm at work.

Yep, wrote about that too, but his comment to me seems to indicate back to me that he is concerned, but doesn’t seem to despair about it. He said, what he’s said from the beginning, “this is in God’s hands”. And he seems to have a peace about it. I on the other hand didn’t start out with that peace at all, and still struggle with having peace, but I’m learning to lean on God and allow Him to give me that peace. I have good days and I have bad days.

As we come up on the appointed time to meet with his oncologist, Dr. Cheng, tomorrow morning at 9AM, the air around me is pregnant with anticipation. Or maybe it’s just me. I feel the anxiousness of getting the final diagnosis, and then having conversations about what to do next, depending on what the outcome of the lung biopsy is. I have tons of questions and God has given me enough sense to write them down because I will forget when the time comes to ask them.

We are relying heavily on the prayers of our friends and family. And our friends, that are more like family than our family, have encouraged me in my deepest times of despair. One person in particular has allowed me the room, the space, and the ability to just cry, brought me a box of tissue and didn’t try to change the subject, then fed me soup. She let me vent even when my venting didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but she’s been through something similar and so she “knows”. She let me have my very own private “freak out” session.

God has given me strength – but He gives it to me sparingly and daily only. Like manna from heaven. Only enough for today, not extra to save up for later. He continues to put people in my life and in my daily “paths” that encourage me, or say something that is so profoundly supportive that I’m speechless, and they probably don’t even know how much their words meant to me in that very moment.

I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.

Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!

How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.

Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it.

I just watched a movie a couple of weeks ago for the 2nd time with Scott, it was called “Facing the Giants”. The first time it was great but the 2nd time, WOW! What a powerful movie, but one line in the movie that kept getting repeated is the line I woke up with today. “If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him." Then another line from the movie, where the husband asks his wife, “If God doesn’t give you a baby, will you still love Him”? Yep, I cry even as I type this. So I had to ask myself, if God doesn’t spare my husband’s life will I still love Him. Of course I will. It will be hard, so hard. But I know that this will be a "hind-sight" moment, where you look back on your life and say to yourself, "oh, I see, I get it now".

I hate the not knowing. I like to prepare for things. And God knows this about me. So He continually puts things in my path that knock the air out of my sails and I have to “back up 6 steps and punt” (another line from “Facing the Giants”). In His own way, He’s preparing me. I don’t get to have an active role, with the exception that I have to be obedient and “wait on Him”.

So here I am, listening to music that touches my soul and remembering conversations with my friends and my children and letting the Lord comfort me and give me my manna, His strength daily.

And staying connected to Him. Clinging to Him. He is the Vine, I am but a branch, clinging to Him.