Mad as Heck

Okay, it's been almost a month since I did any of this stuff.

It's been a roller coaster of a month! I started off this "dreaded" 3 month mark pretty good. I really feel like God was bestowing grace and peace on me.
And I still feel God's presence every day, but man oh, man, I am MAD.

MAD AS HECK!

I'm in a raging pissed off mood and most of the time cannot seem to control what comes out of my mouth. If I've already offended anyone please graciously accept my apologies now. I have no excuses, just apologies.

I wish I could say exactly why I'm so angry, but I'm told, generally it's the grief. WHATEVER! I'm tired of blaming everything on the damn grief already!

I'm not mad that Scott isn't here anymore because honestly, most days I'd prefer to be where I think he is. And it's kinda nice that I don't have to check in with him and argue about every little thing. But I'm still freaking mad!

I dont' want to be with him there either, but I need to hear him say he was sorry.

Sorry for being such a butthead for 8 years.
Sorry for doing and saying some of the awful things he did and said to me.
Sorry for being so "great and wonderful" to everyone else, but me.
Sorry for the harsh looks, bitter words and pregnant silences.
Sorry for not having his priorities in line when it came to our marriage.
Sorry that he didn't even acknowledge in words his feelings for me, which only leads me to believe that he didn't have them.
Sorry that he was so inconsiderate of me and my feelings when Lindsay was going through her cancer.
Sorry that he refused to design a tattoo for me, but had no problem designing one for his sister. (No offense to the sister, she had no clue).
Sorry that he complete invalidated anything that was me. And I wasn't even looking to be validated!

Scott was a man who kept it "real". Brutally "REAL". So considering this and knowing that I knew him better than anyone else, my only reality is simple - he loved me as long as I continued to love him the way I did. Completely and unconditionally. I always, always put him first. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT SCOTT!

I just always thought.... I don't even know what I always thought! Maybe that one day he would love me the same way. My bad! now he's dead and doesn't even have the opportunity to say he's sorry! Much less reciprocate any feelings!

Now that I've come face to face with the harsh reality that my husband was more often than not, a jack ass to me, and I'm finally dealing with it, he's not even around to have the chance to make it right with me. I will never hear him say to me, "I'm SORRY"! - I will not hear those words from his mouth, this side of heaven, and it makes me MAD AS HECK!

And this part really, really pisses me off! - I can't even yell at him about it. I can't even sit down and have a "heart to heart" with him about how I feel.

So this now makes me mad at myself for allowing him to devalue me.

For now that time has passed and I really, really need to hear him say to me what he assumed I knew, I don't ever get to hear those words. I will never, ever hear him say to me what he really thought, and felt about me. I can only go with what I know by his actions when he was around. And that's no picnic either!

So, I'm mad. And I'll be mad till God says differently.

MAD AS HECK!

God is Good - ALL the time

Well, here I am in the middle of the "dreaded" 3 month period and God has shown me favor. He's kept me at peace, has touched the heart of my co workers and work has become more pleasurable to go to and be at.
I have found myself "clinging" to "the things of Scott". Things like the memories of when we first met and how I resisted getting involved, but did anyway. When we got our first place together, and broke up, and got back together. And just the journey we were on. It was and continues to be such a huge adventure. Things still revolve around "when Scott had his cancer" or "when Scott died". This has somehow become a time line for me.
We went through so much stuff, both good and bad and of course very bad that just forgetting him and all about "us" is completely impossibly out of the question. And now I find that I don't ever want to forget the man who taught me so much about life and how to live and love.
I will always love him to a degree that I have never and will never again love another man. I miss him so much. Much, much more than I thought I would. I cry with the heaviness of the "missing of him" but God carries me through and He allows me a time to grieve. I listened to this song. I've heard it my whole life. It's one of the "pagan" songs my parents didn't want me to listen to as a younger person and it really helped me in the process of what I'm going through.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNopQq5lWqQ


Such a simple and old song. Who knew that it would heal part of my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm healed from this grief, I don't think I will ever be "healed" from this, but I know it's getting easier to deal with on a daily basis.

And I thank God and the people He's so wonderfully and graciously put in my life to walk with me through this process.

GOD IS GOOD, ALL THE TIME!

It's been almost 3 months!

So, here it is coming up on 3 months since Scott’s passed away. I’m told by many people - friends that have experienced this, and professionals that this can be one of the worst times in the grief process. I’m not looking forward to it as it’s been pretty difficult for me already.

The immense feeling of sadness just wraps itself around my heart and mind and “takes over”. This happens at unexpected times and often inconvenient times.

The amount of grief I feel is also much more than I expected. I knew I would be sad that he’s not here with me anymore, but I didn’t think it would be such a “great” emotion.

Don't get me wrong, I have days where I've accepted that he's not here and I cherish those days for when I feel blown away that he's not just gone on a Project Mexico trip, or gone "for" a few days to visit his kids, or gone "for" fishing, but he's gone "for"ever.

Often times I wonder what it will be like when we meet again in heaven. I am really interested to see my husbands "glorified body". :-) Since all I've ever seen is one that has been ragged from drugs, alcohol and cancer.

I miss him and I’m sure I will miss him all the days I am alive on this earth.

This is about it.

I have heard this song over and over. I just want to share it because it really fits with where I'm at right now.
I have faith. I may not have much hope right now, but I have faith... faith in God. Who will bring beauty from my pain.
His promises are real. And I hold on to those promises!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-GPbYcTDbQ

Reflections of the way we used to be....

Well, as most people know I'm moving from this apartment at the end of July. And I've been reflecting on ALL that has happened here in just 3 short years. It's been VERY emotional.


So... to help me to move forward, I decided to blog about what I'm thinking and feeling and reflecting on. Kinda like a walk in the clouds.

As I sat here one night stuck on what to pack in what box, it occurred to me that Scott would know... and yeah, I just started to cry.

Like I am now.

And I got really mad. Mad at all of it. I felt cheated, I still feel cheated. Not cheated on, but cheated out of... out of Scott being here to tell me how to do this! Cheated out of having our "retirement years" together, cheated out of having him next to me in our bed. Just plain cheated. I feel ripped off and really angry. And I cry when I'm angry. I know that's really lame, but I do. And I'm sick of crying all the time.

Every room in this place has some memories in it. Just this place alone is one huge memory. Good and bad, and I have to re-live every single memory, every single day.

You see, we moved here a month after starting to go to church at Terra Nova, then called Canyon Hills Church, so that we could be close "to the action" as Scott said. He wanted to be in on EVERYTHING! Just like his grandpa Meredith told him, "Son, if you're gonna rob a bank, take ALL the money".

I didn't want to live here. I liked living in Tustin, but once again, he was right. He had to be "in" it.

We had help from people at Canyon Hills Church that we barely knew, to move here and that was the first of many blessings bestowed upon us. And we met this crazy woman, who organized the whole thing who would would later become our best, most cherished friend.

We really couldn't afford to live here. We were stretched to the breaking point financially. I had to let go of my car that I'd just bought, because I was taught that if you can't pay for something you can't have it. And we had many, many arguments and discussions about money then. Yet through that we became closer, and stronger. Don't get me wrong it was still very difficult, but it did make us better. We found ways of making a grocery list with no more than $50.00 per week. We did free stuff. Took walks and took pictures, and just talked as we walked. Doing stuff with church... and all the while, Scott had his camera. I miss those times more than anything.

He was still pretty sick from his ITP and fatigue was a huge issue all the time. Yet he somehow found the strength to do little things for me. And for others. He cleaned the house, he emptied the cat box, made sure there was gas in the car, and that the windows were clean, just the little things you never think about. He really did make my life easier. And I miss that too.

He spent days on end doing lighting and sound for our church, our home away from home. He loved to take pictures of Kampmania, our church's version of Vacation Bible School. He LOVED those kids. And he would just tell me that Debbie and Carolyn were just plain crazy! But he'd defend them and what they did.

He'd try to "store up" sleep before he went to Project Mexico. He loved that project and in the end talked about moving to Mexico!

Okay, back to the packing stuff.... so I thought I would start packing the "non-essentials", but they're breakable. Scott would know how to pack them. Oh, yeah, Scott's not here. Anger again. I thought, I'll pack bathroom /linen stuff and then I go in there and all of the conversations when he was dying came to me. I felt sucker punched. The breath was literally kicked out of me. But I go in there every day, multiple times a day and I'm fine, but as soon as I have to pack stuff, well... you get the picture.

Here's the thing, toward the end, he was having trouble urinating. And by this time he had to have help with EVERYTHING so I'd help him to the toilet and turn on the water, and just sit on the floor in front of him. And we talked. We talked about so much stuff. And we laughed. He would make jokes about how if he couldn't pee "like regular" then could he pee from his nose?? Oh, that visual was funny!

The time on Valentine's day when he needed to bathe, but was too tired to get in the shower so I gave him a head to toe sponge bath. And he said, "This goes above and beyond the call of duty, and this is way more than you signed up for". I kissed him and reminded him of the covenant we made with God. And that this was all part of it. And told him Happy Valentine's Day.

But then he'd suddenly get serious and he'd want to smoke and I'd help him outside and light his cigarette for him so he wouldn't burn his face anymore, and he said that these were consequences for his choices and that "it is what it is". And I reminded him that he's not who he once was. And that he'd come so far. Yeah, he was still a jerk from time to time but he was so less angry, and hard. He'd become soft. Openly soft.

And even though he was scared from time to time, he was never enveloped in fear. EVER. He knew where he was going, oh, and flaunted it too. Sort of.

So I thought, I'll pack the non essntials from the bedroom... Nope, can't do that...so much happened there. And I don't mean "that" stuff. The arguments, the working it out, the after the fight lovemaking, the rearranging furniture, over and over and over. Hanging the shelves and creating a headboard from a runner rug. The love I feel when I go in there is SO strong. How can I leave that now?? Yet, I have to. I will miss this. Heck, I already miss it.

And so through all this process, I can't lift, push or pull anything more than 10 pounds. So I get stuck again... and I question God. What the heck?? I need to be busy and God gives me Ps. 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God". But why?? Why now?? And that is really none of my business. My only business is to be obedient and to grow closer to God. And then of course I ask myself, "Aren't I close enough". No, I'm not. He's not finished with me yet.

So today, I taped all the boxes I have, I got some newspaper, and I'm set... sort of. I've packed a total of 2 boxes. Tonight will be much more productive.

Still, I go from room to room, remembering all that happened between us and the growth that happened in Scott, in me and in our relationship and in our relationship with God. He loved to read the Bible and get more knowledge.

And here's the really hard one to remember without tears...
I walk in the front door, every day, and I remember January 23rd, 2007, and I remember him waiting for me that day he emailed me and asked me to marry him. I was at work, and I got that email, in the largest possible font, and I wouldn't, couldn't answer him via email.

We both said we'd never get married again. It was just too much, and too painful for both of us. Yet here we were, after many years of trouble and turmoil and only a year of bliss, and he wanted to get married. He wanted to get freaking married??? "WTF-over!"I couldn't tell him I would via email... it just wasn't "okay" with me. So when I got home, and I came in the door and he was waiting for me, he said, "Well???" And of course I had to be difficult and said, "Well what"? And he got so mad... and I laughed and said, "Of course, what did you think, I'd say, no"?

And he proceeded to arrange EVERYTHING. The email invites, the location, the cake, Jon Hall to do it, everything. All I had to do was find a dress. And it was done the way Scott wanted it done, no fuss, no muss. And so everytime I walk in here I remember that moment. And how much our lives changed in the last 2 plus years. We struggled but I watched God do a huge work in him. And in me. He became this generous, loving, kind, giving wonderful person to other people, and doing that he became softer and kinder to me. I have no doubt that he loved me... the best he could. And I know, he knows that I loved him the best I could.
And having said all that....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVlbbk4SPC4

And now I have to leave that behind and turn the page to the new chapter and it's so hard. It's so incredibly bittersweet! I don't want to do this, but I have to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS!

The Last Day.

I’m not sure why but I just feel like it’s time and it’s important to share Scott’s last day on earth with everyone who may read this. It was sad, but it was so incredible. God made His presence known more on this day than any other day.

It started out, “same old, same old”. I knew today would be the day he died, his nurse, Cara had seen this for 11 years and she knew it would be today. I was wrestling with what the actual event would look like. I had never experienced this before. I had no idea what to expect.

Back track – Febuary – When Scott decided to stop the cancer treatments, he asked, begged me to not cry when he died because he knew he was going to a better place. There was no way that I could honor that wish and I told him so. He simply said, “I cannot die until you aren’t crying”. I didn’t know the depth of his determination about this.

We had a rough weekend, prior to his death and I had to make decisions I really didn’t want to have to make. But he’d “turned the corner” and it was all on me now. Such a huge burden! So this day was like the day before, no activity. He was sedated and hadn’t moved a muscle for 3 days. I washed his face ( I told him he couldn’t meet the angels with a dirty face!) and tried to keep him as comfortable as I could.

I knew he was going to die and I had to pick songs for his memorial service, so I just turned on his Ipod and let the music play. I watched for any reactions from him and there were none…
Then after I had a shower, his mom, Lola said, “He’s awake”. I took 2 steps to his side and he flung his arms like he was trying to swim to the surface and made sounds like he was afraid and grasping for air. After about 10-15 minutes he calmed down and we breathed a sigh of relief. “Crisis averted”.

I didn’t know what that was all about until just recently. I read a book called “Experiencing Grief” and there was a passage I read from Psalms 18: 16-19. It’s meant for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but it really just deeply affected me and explained what “that episode” was all about.
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; and drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy. From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me“.

THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME NOW. There is no doubt that Scott is with Jesus.

Anyway, the day progressed and I was dreading the evening. Cara, his nurse had already come twice that day and said it would most likely be “tonight”. Lola and I kept a bedside vigil. He was never left alone for 1 second. She’d take a break, and I’d stay, or I’d take a break and she’d stay. Or we both just sat with him. Telling him we loved him, telling him how many people loved him. We kept him cool, as he had a fever, we watched for any signs that he was aware we were there. But there was very little. He’d make some facial expressions, but that was about it.

Then about 5 ish, Lola went outside to take a break and to call Ann. I stayed there, listening to the 315 songs on his Ipod. We were on ELO (one of his favorite groups) and a song called “Just for Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=160Li03Y2Fo started to play.

I just happened to look over at him and his eyes were open and he was clearly focused on me. He tried to say, “hey or Honey”, not sure, but I went to his head and took his hand. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped for the 1st time. I called to Lola, and she came. Then the phone rang, it was Cara. She arrived in about 10 minutes and announced, “yep, it’s time”. And I was crying and just a mess. He started to breathe again before Cara arrived so I didn’t know what to think!~ She said we wait. She said to Scott after he stopped breathing the 2nd time, “Scott, Dude, what are you doing? It’s all okay now.” And of course I was crying and he started to breathe again and his heart beat was stronger and faster, not weaker and slower so we didn’t know what to think. He stopped breathing again, now the 3rd time and his heart stopped again, and we waited… I cried, and we waited. He started breathing again! At this point Lola noticed that his tumor was turning white! The secondary tumors were paper white, and the main tumor which was once SCARLET RED was turning to the same color as his skin! The blood was draining from the tumor – praise God. We really had to watch that and be prepared for it to burst.

I suddenly had to use the bathroom. Cara said, “Go, quick.”. While there, I prayed that God would give me peace. And He did. It felt like warm oil was flowing over me and suddenly I had the strength to get through this. I washed my face and came out of the room. Cara and Lola looked at me and asked if I was alright. I must have looked different or something, I just said, “yep, I’m at peace, we’re good.” I went to Scott’s side and kissed him long on his forehead and said, “Ha, Ha, I’m not crying now”. He took his last breath and his heart stopped for the last time, and went to be with the Lord. Everything remained calm.

Just like Scott would have said in times of drama and excitement – “everyone remain calm”.

And God’s peace and calm was with us through the night.

Moving on...

I'm very sad today....

I went back to work today and did my very best, but I just kept thinking that I'm moving on, but I'm moving on without my husband and this really, really makes me sad. I hate what I'm doing.... it just seems so meaningless. So stupid... they complain that their colors of their logo don't match. The green is a shade off..... Oh who FREAKING cares. Get over it.
I just can't be a good servant there. Because I really don't care if your colors are off... "do you know my husband just died!!!!" No, I didn't say that but... I wanted to.

I found this song today that just reminded me of Scott... and I miss him so much.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wddQLJG5LBI

And so I continue to push "rewind- stop - play" and wonder at the seeds that were planted because of what he did and that we just let others come and see our "pain" and our joy.

And as we continued to just leap from moment of faith to moment of faith.... and watched as God performed His great wonders.

And as sad as it is... God does miracles. Not necessarily the ones we wanted, but miracles nonetheless.

Through this, his children witnessed his faith in God, and saw so much that I'm sure they are now thinking about God and all that goes with knowing God. His oldest daughter made contact, okay a little late, but I REALLY want her to be reintroduced to the man he became rather than the man that she remembers.

I only want what God wants and I continue to hear Him speak....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMqJWwO-S8E

I'm resting in "His Holiness"

But I'm still very sad. The tears flow freely tonight.