Out of Sorts... sort of.

Well... here I am again feeling things I've never felt before... wondering to myself "what the heck"?!

Okay, so here's what's happening... I've felt a very strong "continuing connection" to my dead husband. I said in my grief group that I feel like I am still in a relationship with him. Okay, it's not the same earthly relationship, but it's different and it's really deep. Since we were so much more connected that I thought we were - a fact I've had to own, face and accept - what I feel now is more of a spiritual relationship. (No... I am not talking to my dead husbands picture, or imagining a conversation we would be having... nothing like that).

We were talking about protons and continuing bonds in our grief group a couple of weeks ago and it's really interesting to know that there is a scientific experiment that proves that when proton's become "connected" or entangled then split and separated, what happens to 1 half of the proton the other half feels and experiences as well, regardless of where the 2 proton's are. And we as humans are full of protons, so bottom line is simple; Scott is feeling my pain. Not that he's feeling the pain of my pain, but he's aware of my pain. Then I thought of the book, The Shack, and remembered the waterfall part of the story. I felt like someone just threw ice water on me.

At first I was like, "no way", but the more I remember what a HUGE GOD I have, it's possible, right?! So.....

Now, I've come back to having the dreams again. For the first few weeks after he died, I had this dream over and over, of him in different situations wearing his blue Project Mexico shirt (the one he died in and was cremated in) and his adult diaper telling me to "help him figure this out".
Then they went away and I had a really good dream where he and I actually sat down someplace - I don't know where it was, it was familiar though... and we had this long talk about him and I and "figuring this thing out" and I didn't have another dream again. So I assumed that it was done. I helped him "figure this thing out" and he was okay. Well, the dreams have come back and he's angry with me for not helping him "figure this thing out". He's still in his blue PM shirt and diaper and he's reaching out to me, pleading with me to help him "figure this thing out".

Okay, well, I know that he's trying to communicate with me. I don't know how I know it, but I know it.

Now the newest thing, for the last week or two, I am waking up with him singing to me... first it was the Beatles - Rocky Racoon, then it was Don't Pass Me By, and then it was just Paul McCartney "Baby I'm Amazed". I get that this could be just because Doah mentioned it on FB a week or so ago and it reminded me that Scott always said that song was from him to me. But this morning it was "I am a friend of God. The song we sang in our choir, S.H.O.U.T.

And so... here's the thing... Stress makes you think and do things differently.

I've been pretty stressed out (and having panic attacks) from living on my daughter's sofa and saving money to get my own place and it actually coming to be, and all the "what if's" that all of that brings. And yes, I can "what if" something to death. And Scott knew that and KNOWS that. I'm freaking out about not having any money (cuz I have no money now, and I mean, NO MONEY and NO FOOD) and food, and gas, and what if something happens and I can't fix it, and so on and then more about living completely alone and all the "what if's" that go with that, and what if I don't make it and what if something happens to me and I'm still alone, and I hate being alone, and I'm just ALONE!!!

And now he's singing to me as I wake up. And here's the really trippy part. When he was in the process of dying from this bastard of a disease, almost every morning, God would put a song on my heart as I was waking up and that was my song for the day. I never told Scott about it. I just thought it was me... I didn't think he'd "get it". Because he was really critical of me and anything that was "new". Now he's doing it!

And after talking to Stefanie on Sunday, it makes sense. Scott is communicating and trying to comfort me and let me know that I'm not really "alone". He's still with me. There was/is such comfort in her words. And it made me cry, and she said I couldn't cry or else she'd cry then her daughter wouldn't let her visit the nursery anymore (SMILE) And I feel like I'm not really losing my mind, I'm really experiencing this. I'm NOT going crazy.
I am still having a relationship with Scott, only now it's different and now it's better, not better, but different better. I'm still VERY sad, which really surprises me since I really thought I'd be "over it" in a few months.

And now my hope is that I can really help him "figure this thing out". Or maybe, he's trying to help me "figure this thing out".

After all this time...

It's been some time since I wrote anything or posted anything as I've been kind of busy and preoccupied. A lot has changed. And is changing.

Mother's Day weekend I went up to Pacific Grove to have Scott's ashes spread along with his grandmother's, Iola's. Iola passed away 5 years ago. The whole thing was hard but good. It was good to see Lola and Ann again, and it was good to get out of town for the weekend and it was good to put Scott's remains to rest. So many things happened, so many emotions... It was kind of funny and then turned very sad, but the part that helps me is that I KNOW that he's in heaven (and that's really good) regardless of his situations here on Earth. I put his ashes in what I would refer to as "his special place" close to the edge and in with the flowers. I kept some back to share with other's to have their final time with him. See this blog for more on that... Sharon couldn't have put it better....

http://itdoesnotgetgreener.blogspot.com/2010/05/scott-pt-2.html

But, I will return next year to just "be" with him there in Pacific Grove.
Some may think that this is really stupid, but.... it's not. Only those who have lost a spouse can know what I mean.

Our relationship was hard, we had many HUGE issues, and I'm a different person because of it, but I know he loved me the best he knew how. And that's fine with me, because I know that I loved him the best I knew how too.
He taught me so much... they were often times hard lessons to learn, but I learned so much. And I know I taught him so much too.

I miss him. And I know for many that's hard to believe, but it's true. He kept me SO grounded.

As of right now, my moods change from day to day and often I wonder what the heck??? It's now past 1 year since Scott passed away (yeah, it still makes me cry when I use that term). I find myself getting choked up at random things... a smell, a memory, a song, a restaurant, driving in the truck and having memories of our trips that we made together. Now, moving (again!) and taking a part of him with me and leaving a part of him behind.

This is a time of healing for me.

As Shannon pointed out, it's a time of healing from age 14 for me. And she's spot on. This is now "my" time... I hate that this sounds so "self serving" but it is what is is and I need to "put the oxygen mask on me first before I can help anyone else". I don't know what God has in store for me now.... I just know in my heart that He's still filtering for me and watching over me and putting people in my life to help me and for me to help. Somehow, someway... that I don't know now how and why or what, but it's happening.

And then sometimes, it's everything I can do to get throught the day and wonder why I'm here and going through all of this.



I miss my life with him... I miss his wit and his humor and his smile, his beautiful blue eyes... his touch... him next to me in bed. But, I am learning to live my life without him in it. It's hard. Most days, it's okay, but then others, well... not so much. Today was hard because I'm moving again. Phase 1 of the big move... I'm moving in with Shannon so I can save money to get my own place so that I can heal. It will be the first time EVER that I've lived alone. It's exciting and scary at the same time!

So there you have it... "Bob's your uncle" as Scott would say... Yeah, I'm channeling him a lot these days.

This one's for Scott....


I loved you the best!!!

A Severe Mercy

One of my pastor's from church suggested I read the book "A Severe Mercy" by Sheldon Vanauken. It's a love story and a story of grief. Since I'm struggling with grief I agreed to read it.
This is what I came away with.

I finished the book and I’ve gone back to re-read Chapter 8 – The Way of Grief.
I think it’s totally ironic that it’s Chapter 8 and Scott and I were together for 8 years.

The love story was fantastic. I think it's incredible that a man and a woman could have so much love for each other, and in the end, she more than him. She offered up her life, so that he would be closer to Christ. REALLY?!!!
Or did she just have a gut feeling that she was suffering from a serious illness, although undiagnosed, and knew it would eventually kill her. So, she pleaded with God to give her one more year to help draw him closer to the Lord?? I wonder if Scott pleaded with God for more time. I know he pleaded for a miracle. He did get more time.

Even though I enjoyed the book immensely, I can say that our “love” story is quite different. Nonetheless, I got more out of Chapter 8 than anything. (I’ve replaced Davy’s name with Scott’s name below).

Here’s what spoke to me the most – Page 179 –
The grim and almost fierce will to do all and be all for Scott for that ½ year ( also ironic) became now, upon his death, tired as I was, a no less resolute will to face the whole meaning of loss, to drink of the cup of grief. I came, thereby to see something of the nature of loss and grief.

Page 180 –
The immediate duties – going through his things like a storm. A sorrowing storm. Giving away and packing things in a flurry of activity.
Doing the memorial for him – for us, his friends and family. Realizing that even though he’s gone, SCOTT IS. And I can smile.

How could things and I go on in this void? How could one person, not very big, leave an emptiness that is galaxy wide?? There are thousands of other things and memories, each of which must be seen once in that piercingly bleak emptiness.
Emptiness = loss and along with the grief – loss and grief are not the same thing. I keep wanting to tell him. I often think that if I could just talk to him about all I am feeling I could bear the loss and the grief.
I’ve also written several letters to Scott so that somehow I would be sharing all of this with him. We shared so much. Whether he read them over my shoulder perhaps, is of course a different matter altogether.

I dream often of Scott. Some wonderfully fantastic dreams and some not so good dreams and often when I wake up I cam smell him. The smell of him after a long Harley ride and the smell of hot leather. I can also smell him the moment he died, that smell of metal against metal. As if a sword fight was happening in thin air. A literal fight for his soul between Angels and Demons, perhaps. I seemed to be the only one who could smell it then.

Page 181-
Contemplating loss and grief. Death of anything leaves a void. The great tree goes down and leaves an empty place in the sky.

If the person is deeply loved, and deeply familiar the void seems greater than all the world remaining. But grief is a form of love – the longing for the dear face, the warm hand.
It is remembered reality of the beloved that calls it forth. For an instant, he is there and the void is denied.

It is not the grief, involving that momentary reality, that cuts one off from the beloved but the void that is loss.
After the intense sharing and closeness of the years ( 8 of them ), the loss and grief was, quite simply, the most immense thing I have ever known.

The "Illumination of the Past" – I’ve started to prepare one of those too, maybe not to the same degree as Sheldon, but I’ve put together another album – our wedding album. Pictures long lost and forgotten of, on that special day are now lovingly placed in a beautiful album that I had Carolyn S. do for me. And more albums are coming. One of Scott’s growing up years, and one of just him and I.

You see, it’s not just one death that I grieve, it’s thousands of little deaths. The death of each and every memory that we’ve shared. Now I understand why it takes so long to grieve. Because you have to grieve each memory differently. And each grieving time is different for each person.

Mike my therapist, wonderful man, said that if we had to face all the fierceness of the grief at one time we wouldn’t live through it. It would be as though you’re on the Huntington Beach pier and a tsunami hits – you would not survive it.

The last few months that Scott was alive, I witnessed the heart of the man that I loved unconditionally. I finally saw the love just pour out of him. He finally came to trust me. He’s never trusted me, nor any woman in his life, and finally at the end- he trusted me. This is one of those last final gifts that I will treasure. Another would be when Scott decided to end all treatment and was put on hospice he asked me not to cry, and I asked him to look at me before he went to meet Jesus, because I wanted me to be the last person he saw – selfish I know, but he fought his way from being under sedation to look at me and he held the gaze for a long 5-10 seconds. We were being still "in the moment" just looking into each other’s eyes.

The most precious gifts he could have given me were those two things.

Scott had a way of touching all those he came into contact with. In ways he never, ever realized. He’s effected me and my life and many people have told me the same thing – that their lives would not be what it is had it not been for meeting Scott.

Scott lived a full life. He took all his assigned years and crammed them into 53 years. I suppose he lived his life in double time. His life wasn’t “cut short” it was just lived faster. His spirit is not here, it’s with Jesus. His memory will live on in our hearts and our minds.

Scott, if you're reading this over my shoulder, know this - I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND REMEMBER YOU. Till we meet again, somewhere over the rainbow.

The Double Whammy

Well, here it comes. The first anniversary of two important dates for me.

The nine month anniversary of Scott's death, and our special holiday - Valentine's Day.

I've been reflecting on it so much that I'm driven to distraction!

The thirteenth of every month I mourn and grieve my husband. I reminisce on our life together, about his illness, and his traumatic death.

Valentine's Day was ALWAYS celebrated by us. Even when we were in the midst of a huge fight, we'd stop arguing and just love each other. We'd get goofy cards to exchange. One year he hid them around the house for me to find. For days and weeks after I would find them in what he would call "stragically placed locations".

The last Valentine's Day, while he was still aware of what was going on, and as sick as he was, he ordered a book about God's Grace and a Women of Faith journal as his Valentine's Day gift to me, with wonderful inscriptions of love on the packing list.

I was touched to the deepest part of my soul. I think because part of me knew that this was the last time we would celebrate our special holiday.

But because I was so busy taking care of him, I didn't get him anything. I didn't even remember it was Valentine's Day.

But, later on that day, he wanted a shower but was too weak to even sit in the shower chair. So I filled up a big bucket of warm water, closed off the bathroom and heated up the small area so he wouldn't get cold, and bathed him by hand.
Every inch of his body was lovingly caressed and washed, rinsed and dried.

He looked me in the eyes, held my face in his hands, and spoke these words to me, "Honey, this goes far above and beyond the call of duty". My response was, "Happy Valentine's Day, and this is what the covenant we made with each other and God is all about". We both cried silent tears. It brings me to tears just writing about it.

Damn! I miss that man!

So, here I go... facing my first Valentine's Day alone. Utterly alone.

This is another one of those "learning" things, I know. I will be alone often and there is nothing I can do about it. As Scott would have said, "It is what it is".

I'm prompted to remember the scripture engraved inside our wedding rings, Ecc. 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

But, here's the thing, it's not a strand of 3 cords anymore and this makes me very sad, confused and disappointed. Even though I know God is with me always, I don't have my soul mate. My other half. My butter for my bread. The ying to my yang. The one that found humor in everything and made me see it. Oh, and how he made me laugh. I haven't laughed like that since he died. No one else "gets me" like he did.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be "normal" anymore. I don't like the "new normal" I've found so far. It's boring,dull and lifeless. I feel isolated and abandoned. I feel anxious.

I feel like I'm wandering in a forest of huge trees going around and around in circles to find my husband. It begins to rain and it's getting cold and I can't find him. I feel panic. And I realize I will never find him and here I am wandering around in the forest, in the cold, and it's frightening and depressing.

Yet, I plod onward. I keep trying to find the wonderfully good things in life. One good thing - Sean is coming to see me. We'll have dinner together and talk about Scott and remember him. I've missed Sean. And Sascha. Mostly because they are my connection to Scott and because the are wonderful, wonderful human beings.

I'm looking forward to being with my "chickies" for our 3rd annual Post Valentine's Day Get together.

And that's it... that's all I've got. I'll gladly take it, but there is something missing and it's always going to be missing. And that just makes me sad.

There is GROWTH!

God is certainly at work in me, only now I'm much more aware of Him and what He's doing. I wouldn't and didn't want Scott to get cancer and eventually die, and leave me with this trauma called grief. But through this, I'm learning more about me and stuff in me that I just didn't even know was there. I was wondering last week, how this happened. Why did God allow this? Was I really such a bad person? And clearly on my heart, was this, "Why are you surprised?".

Well, here's the thing, it's time I admit, there's a part of me that isn't surprised that Scott died the way he did. I know what I've always known - that he was going to die sooner than expected. I've known all the time we were together that God put us together for a reason. And look at all of them! There are so many miraculous things that took place during my relationship with Scott. Part of that was Scott and his nature, and part of that was me and my nature, but mostly it was a loving God who knew....what He knew and His nature.

And even though grieving is such painful thing, and most of the time I hate the way it feels, I know it's necessary. It's softening me. My relationship with Scott softened me, my relationship with God softens me.

I used to and sometimes still think that it was just me being "weak". But it's not weak, it's just softening. My heart had been so hardened and my mind so jaded that God has had to do and is still doing, a large work, and with large work, come large pain. And only knowing what I know now- that God is still good all the time, makes all this discovery and softening a little less frightening.

I'm still in pain, I'm still angry, I'm still unfocused and easily distracted ("Squirrel"!) and I'm still far from being over the grief of losing the man I loved unconditionally. I miss him as much today as I did 8 months ago. I expect that this is going to go on for some time, but today, I don't dread it... I don't like it, but I don't turn from it. I'm not denying it.

I heard today on Oprah - yeah, I know.... but it was pretty profound that the day I'm home sick from work I flip and land on Oprah and she has one of her reporters Nate, on talking about grief. All I heard was the word "grief" and stopped. Nate went through it when he lost his partner in the sunami that hit Indonesia a few years ago. And he hit on something that I've been struggling with. The dates, the holidays. It seemed like the dates were just sticking it in my face reminding me "he's gone, he's gone, he's never coming back". But Nate said something that sounded simple but just helped me. He said, "It's not the date. The date has no power. The memory has the power, and we can have those memories anytime we want".

That just took the whole thing and put it into perspective.

This Saturday would have been Scott's 54th birthday. I was not looking forward to it because I always like surprising him with something on his birthday. Well, it's just a date, it has no power. I will do something to surprise him.

And I will celebrate my "first" Scott's birthday without Scott, in my own way.

And he will smile, in my heart.

The Year of Firsts.

I was driving home from my daughter's house today thinking about what a year its been. It's been a rough couple of years, but this past year has been especially tough.

I can say that it's made me stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel fragile most of the time, but not all of the time. I think I could go another long while without any more really bad stuff happening. God knows I need a bit of a break. I need a break from anyone getting really sick or from anymore houses burning down. And from any more catastrophe's. Please...

When my friend's house burned down on Valentine's Day I felt like we were all just kind of "skidding along" not really sure how things would turn out and if God would just provide a miracle for Scott I would have just jumped for joy, but I think He saved that miracle for Carl. I'm so sad, and so glad at the same time. And now my friend is getting a brand new house, well, it's being built anyway, but still... there is more building than just a house, it'll be a home again for them. I'm relieved.

I remember a conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago as we drove home from a bible study together and we both agree that God has "benched me". I know I've said it before - that God is trying to get me to "be still and know", but that's really hard for me to do most of the time. But, I also know that He knows me better than I know me. So I find myself trusting Him though this part of my life just like I trusted Him during the last year.

I've heard in my grief support group that this is my year of "firsts". All the "first things" in life without Scott. I've survived a bunch of holidays (see previous post for the list). I've survived my own health issues (see same previous post). And I know without a shadow of a doubt that I did this by the grace of God and the huge support of my daughters, my sister, my friends. And I know that God really hung onto me this past year.

I still struggle with things I thought I'd be over by now. 3 steps forward and 2 backwards for me. I've been having the flashbacks again, and I've been having the dreams again. I had a break from them, but they're back. But here's the thing... they don't overwhelm me as much. They are losing their power over me now. Sure, I still get blindsided every now and then, but it's not happening EVERYDAY now and when it does happen I don't just collapse into tears. There is growth happening!! YAY GOD!!!

Now as I look forward to a new year, I know that God is still on my side and wants me to be this incredible person. A person I have yet to meet and probably is different than what I expected.

I get to "invent" my self. I know that sounds really strange to a lot of people, but a lot of people don't know my history and how I came to be where I am now. And that's fine. I find this prospect of inventing myself, exciting, challenging and scary all at the same time.

I heard this song for the first time the other day and this is my song for the year!



I know this seems like something that I've already experienced, and I have in a many ways. But this new year I know I'm about to grow into this person that God wants me to be. Not that I'm not anyway, but even more now than before.

I'm looking forward to the rest of my "year of firsts". I get to do so much more.

I'm challenged in different ways now. I get to experience different things with a new perspective. AND I'M HONESTLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT!!!!

Life is not perfect for me, and it never was, and never will be, at least till I get to heaven, but I have the Lord looking out for me, being my "filter" and hanging on to me when I can't hang on to Him and this gives me such a huge relief. A relief I haven't felt in a long time.

This isn't to say that I'm not sad, lonely or angry anymore, but I'm just dealing with it differently. I'm learning new things about myself that just amaze me. I feel like I'm being enlightened. And often I look up to the heaven's and say, "Really, Lord, really??" and I smile and know that He is good and He is my wonderous, marvelous Savior.

Enough Said

So I find myself missing Scott more now than before because of the holidays. Obviously!

I was sitting outside in my work parking lot, praying, and just trying to connect with God. My question was simply this, "How will I get through all of this?"
And I clearly heard in my heart - " With Me".
My only response - "OK"

Nuf Sed.