I keep saying I’m going to start writing stuff down and then all of a sudden something else happens and I distracted. Or I just don’t want to share what I’m feeling and thinking. I don't think this is going to change any time soon.
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Scott decided on Sunday morning to stop the cancer treatments. The side effects from the treatment came on too soon and were/are still brutal. what should have happened in about 10 days, started happening in 2-3 days. The soreness in his mouth didn’t compare to the sore throat. The weight loss was HUGE. The loss of appetite, the saliva disappearing, the taste buds being fried and the sore throat all led to the weight loss.
We’ve had so many conversations about so many things that there’s no way I can write down and put into words the emotions that go with all of this. No one can truly prepare you for this period of time! I was telling a friend of ours last night that I didn’t think I needed to be prepared for this yet. I thought I had plenty of time to make decisions like the ones I’ve had to make lately. I thought once I retired I would think about this kind of thing. But here I am, facing this giant. This big, bad-ass, ugly evil thing called cancer. Yes, it’s evil and it’s nasty. This can only be of Satan.
How can sadness and joy live together in the same moment, I don’t know but I know that it does. I live it every minute of every day.
As I lay awake in the middle of the night and listen to my husband breathe, I wonder if today will be the day. Will I be ready? And then he wakes up and it’s not today, not yet. And I can breathe a sigh of relief. He’s happy and sick at the same time. And I'm happy he's happy, and I'm sad he's sick - all at the same time.
I try to have faith in the miracle that he so desires. His faith never wavers – if God chooses to let him live longer he will, if he doesn’t then he gets to go home. He's fine with whatever God decides to do.
Here's the other side of it: then he’s not here for me to “play” with. There’s joy that he will no longer be miserable but then there’s the “selfish” sadness that he won’t be here anymore either.
I’m reminded of when I was a small child about age 6 or 7 and my very best friend in the whole world moved very far away. I was happy they were getting a new house but I was sad that I wouldn’t see her again and we wouldn't get to talk and play anymore. I was never the same after that.
That’s what this feels like only there is that joy that I will see him again in heaven when it’s my turn to come up and “play” with him and Jesus. But while I'm here, I'll never be the same again.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Adventure in Faith
Since I worked and studied hard for our Alpha Omega group topical study on faith and couldn't make it to the study at thought I could at least post it on the blog. I took some liberties and took out a few things and added a few things.
Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.
I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.
There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.
We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.
Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?
Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??
King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.
What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.
So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.
What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.
(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )
But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.
I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –
1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust
I like # 4 the best.
I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:
The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”
I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”
Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.
I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.
There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.
We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.
Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?
Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??
King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.
What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.
So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.
What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.
(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )
But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.
I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –
1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust
I like # 4 the best.
I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:
The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”
I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The Good Shepherd
So, here we are staring Stage 4 cancer in the face and even though God’s Word says more than 350 times “do not fear” in my human-ness/sinfulness - I fear. What I’m seeing is HUGE and it’s UGLY. Here's the latest news... If Scott does nothing, no treatment, he has 1 month or less. With treatment, he has 3 months, maybe more, but most of that 3 months will be hell due to the therapy. But we’re kind of stuck. The alternative is worse and it would be “messy”. And it’s scary looking. I wonder what King David was really thinking when he was looking up at Goliath.
I have wonderful friends that continue to lift my spirits with their words, prayers, and deeds.
And without them in my life things would be SO incredibly different. I had coffee with one of those friends last Saturday. We both have enjoyed some of the same movies and books and we are in a bible study together and yet often have very conflicting points of view. But, we love each other enough to respect those views. Anyway, we were talking about a recent favorite movie of mine that I am often blessed by called “Facing the Giants”. There’s a scene in the movie that she reminded me of and I believe this was “inspired by God”- where the “hall prayer” tells the main character the story of 2 farmers who were praying for rain. One of them didn’t prepare his fields and the other did. They both got the rain, but the one who prepared his field was rewarded for his faith. My friend pointed out that I’ve done all the research and preparation I can do ( I don’t know if I’m quite done but I get her point ) and now I need to wait for the rain. WOW!! More waiting, but I’m reminded to “have faith in the waiting”. To honor God in the waiting. Yes, Lord, I will still love you.
I’m also reading a book I’ve read several times before by a favorite author of mine, Phillip Keller, called “A Shepherd looks at Psalms 23”. Each time I read it I’m comforted or something just ministers to me and I’m totally BLESSED! And I came across a couple of paragraphs that really supported what my friend was saying to me on Saturday.
This book is really a comparison of sheep and humans and their individual nature. How we humans are really so much like sheep in our very nature. We, like sheep don’t rest if there’s any threat or discomfort.
Page 37- Ps. 23:2
“He maketh me to lie down...”
“In the Christian’s life there is no substitute for the keen awareness that my Shepherd is nearby. There is nothing like Christ’s presence to dispel the fear, the panic the terror of the unknown."
My friend and I were talking about the unknown and how frightening that is and then I read the above and the below. WOW again!
“We live a most uncertain life. Any hour can bring disaster, danger and distress from unknown quarters. Life is full of hazards. No one can tell what a day will produce in new trouble. We live either in a sense of anxiety, fear and foreboding, or in a sense of quiet rest. Which is it?
Generally it is the “unknown”, the “unexpected” that produces the greatest panic. It is in the grip of fear that most of us are unable to cope with the cruel circumstances and harsh complexities of life. We feel they are foes which endanger our tranquility. Often our first impulse is simply to get up and run from them.
Then in the midst of our misfortunes there suddenly comes the awareness that He, the Christ, the Good Shepherd is there. It makes all the difference. His presence in the picture throws a different light on the whole scene. Suddenly things are not half so black nor nearly so terrifying. The outlook changes and there is hope. I find myself delivered from fear. Rest returns and I can relax”. Just like sheep.
So here I am, “Baaahhhhing” away at my Goliath and my Lord comes into the picture. He’s really always been here I just didn’t see Him as clearly as I do right now. His presence comforts me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still somewhat fearful. I am still doubtful, He’s working with me on that one too.
Some days are good and some days, not so much. I have more good than bad days lately. I’m still very sad, but I know that He is there and nothing that comes upon me hasn’t already gone through Him first.
“If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him”.
And finally, my dearest friend in the world right now, sent me this song that was SO appropriate that I had to share it with you. Please click on the link and close your eyes and just listen. Just listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-CK8QqV1qQ&feature=related
I have wonderful friends that continue to lift my spirits with their words, prayers, and deeds.
And without them in my life things would be SO incredibly different. I had coffee with one of those friends last Saturday. We both have enjoyed some of the same movies and books and we are in a bible study together and yet often have very conflicting points of view. But, we love each other enough to respect those views. Anyway, we were talking about a recent favorite movie of mine that I am often blessed by called “Facing the Giants”. There’s a scene in the movie that she reminded me of and I believe this was “inspired by God”- where the “hall prayer” tells the main character the story of 2 farmers who were praying for rain. One of them didn’t prepare his fields and the other did. They both got the rain, but the one who prepared his field was rewarded for his faith. My friend pointed out that I’ve done all the research and preparation I can do ( I don’t know if I’m quite done but I get her point ) and now I need to wait for the rain. WOW!! More waiting, but I’m reminded to “have faith in the waiting”. To honor God in the waiting. Yes, Lord, I will still love you.
I’m also reading a book I’ve read several times before by a favorite author of mine, Phillip Keller, called “A Shepherd looks at Psalms 23”. Each time I read it I’m comforted or something just ministers to me and I’m totally BLESSED! And I came across a couple of paragraphs that really supported what my friend was saying to me on Saturday.
This book is really a comparison of sheep and humans and their individual nature. How we humans are really so much like sheep in our very nature. We, like sheep don’t rest if there’s any threat or discomfort.
Page 37- Ps. 23:2
“He maketh me to lie down...”
“In the Christian’s life there is no substitute for the keen awareness that my Shepherd is nearby. There is nothing like Christ’s presence to dispel the fear, the panic the terror of the unknown."
My friend and I were talking about the unknown and how frightening that is and then I read the above and the below. WOW again!
“We live a most uncertain life. Any hour can bring disaster, danger and distress from unknown quarters. Life is full of hazards. No one can tell what a day will produce in new trouble. We live either in a sense of anxiety, fear and foreboding, or in a sense of quiet rest. Which is it?
Generally it is the “unknown”, the “unexpected” that produces the greatest panic. It is in the grip of fear that most of us are unable to cope with the cruel circumstances and harsh complexities of life. We feel they are foes which endanger our tranquility. Often our first impulse is simply to get up and run from them.
Then in the midst of our misfortunes there suddenly comes the awareness that He, the Christ, the Good Shepherd is there. It makes all the difference. His presence in the picture throws a different light on the whole scene. Suddenly things are not half so black nor nearly so terrifying. The outlook changes and there is hope. I find myself delivered from fear. Rest returns and I can relax”. Just like sheep.
So here I am, “Baaahhhhing” away at my Goliath and my Lord comes into the picture. He’s really always been here I just didn’t see Him as clearly as I do right now. His presence comforts me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still somewhat fearful. I am still doubtful, He’s working with me on that one too.
Some days are good and some days, not so much. I have more good than bad days lately. I’m still very sad, but I know that He is there and nothing that comes upon me hasn’t already gone through Him first.
“If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him”.
And finally, my dearest friend in the world right now, sent me this song that was SO appropriate that I had to share it with you. Please click on the link and close your eyes and just listen. Just listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-CK8QqV1qQ&feature=related
Sunday, January 11, 2009
WAIT for it.
Okay, so everyone knows that Scott has cancer. And that it’s very serious. I’m in a situation where my perspective is completely different than his.
I’ve actually written a lengthy dissertation on it, just to get it off my chest and to validate what I was feeling and thinking. I may post it one day. I don’t know.
It was during a conversation I had with Scott in the wee hours of the A.M., (aka; "who-am") yesterday about his feelings on what’s going on. He seems, to me, to have been much less “concerned” than I have been. He probably freaks out when I'm at work.
Yep, wrote about that too, but his comment to me seems to indicate back to me that he is concerned, but doesn’t seem to despair about it. He said, what he’s said from the beginning, “this is in God’s hands”. And he seems to have a peace about it. I on the other hand didn’t start out with that peace at all, and still struggle with having peace, but I’m learning to lean on God and allow Him to give me that peace. I have good days and I have bad days.
As we come up on the appointed time to meet with his oncologist, Dr. Cheng, tomorrow morning at 9AM, the air around me is pregnant with anticipation. Or maybe it’s just me. I feel the anxiousness of getting the final diagnosis, and then having conversations about what to do next, depending on what the outcome of the lung biopsy is. I have tons of questions and God has given me enough sense to write them down because I will forget when the time comes to ask them.
We are relying heavily on the prayers of our friends and family. And our friends, that are more like family than our family, have encouraged me in my deepest times of despair. One person in particular has allowed me the room, the space, and the ability to just cry, brought me a box of tissue and didn’t try to change the subject, then fed me soup. She let me vent even when my venting didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but she’s been through something similar and so she “knows”. She let me have my very own private “freak out” session.
God has given me strength – but He gives it to me sparingly and daily only. Like manna from heaven. Only enough for today, not extra to save up for later. He continues to put people in my life and in my daily “paths” that encourage me, or say something that is so profoundly supportive that I’m speechless, and they probably don’t even know how much their words meant to me in that very moment.
I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it.
I just watched a movie a couple of weeks ago for the 2nd time with Scott, it was called “Facing the Giants”. The first time it was great but the 2nd time, WOW! What a powerful movie, but one line in the movie that kept getting repeated is the line I woke up with today. “If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him." Then another line from the movie, where the husband asks his wife, “If God doesn’t give you a baby, will you still love Him”? Yep, I cry even as I type this. So I had to ask myself, if God doesn’t spare my husband’s life will I still love Him. Of course I will. It will be hard, so hard. But I know that this will be a "hind-sight" moment, where you look back on your life and say to yourself, "oh, I see, I get it now".
I hate the not knowing. I like to prepare for things. And God knows this about me. So He continually puts things in my path that knock the air out of my sails and I have to “back up 6 steps and punt” (another line from “Facing the Giants”). In His own way, He’s preparing me. I don’t get to have an active role, with the exception that I have to be obedient and “wait on Him”.
So here I am, listening to music that touches my soul and remembering conversations with my friends and my children and letting the Lord comfort me and give me my manna, His strength daily.
And staying connected to Him. Clinging to Him. He is the Vine, I am but a branch, clinging to Him.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Life's Bouncing Ball.
Okay, so I was thinking today when I was trying to nap and couldn’t fall asleep that life is like a ball.
It’s bouncing between God and me.
Most of the time it’s bouncing pretty good, regardless of the trials I face and joys I'm experiencing. Something happens, I bounce it up and then He says, “You can do this, I’m here with you”, and bounces it back. It gets hard to deal with life and its tragedies and I bounce it back and he bounces it for me for awhile and then bounces it back.
Then wonderful things are happening and the ball goes back and forth quickly as I share my highs with the Lord and He is just as pleased as I am and bounces it back, “Here, see how I’ve blessed you”.
You get the idea…
Then like every other human being I know, I get distracted and turn my spiritual eyes away from Him and drop the damn thing and it goes rolling away. This is when I find I’m freaking out and I’m emotionally and spiritually out of control.
How strange that this happens during the times when I need to stay focused on God and paying attention.
What happens?? Why do I do that?? I get so frustrated! I feel so foolish.
My own frustration/foolishness level rises and I give up, of course, till He quietly calls me back again. He is faithful even and more so, when I am not. And I'm thinking about "mustard seeds" here.
Then I ask myself why do I lose faith?? What happens to my head that the first thing I do is regress to old ways?? Back to the old ways of trying to “work it out on my own”, and the last thing I do is bounce it back up to Him, when He’s waiting right there to catch it.
I know I need to be more disciplined, especially now! Discipline has never been my strong point. I know I have some discipline, but I often wonder where I got that. Then I heard a song today by Nicole C. Mullin called "One Touch" and it was about just touching the hem of His garment. Yep, started to cry!!! I hate it when that happens! But at the same time I needed that to happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7LyHDvcz3M
That's how I feel today, that all I have right now is the strength to just touch the hem.
So here I am tossing the life ball back to Him and knowing that He’s going to catch it, put a bit strength on it, and toss it back to me.
It’s bouncing between God and me.
Most of the time it’s bouncing pretty good, regardless of the trials I face and joys I'm experiencing. Something happens, I bounce it up and then He says, “You can do this, I’m here with you”, and bounces it back. It gets hard to deal with life and its tragedies and I bounce it back and he bounces it for me for awhile and then bounces it back.
Then wonderful things are happening and the ball goes back and forth quickly as I share my highs with the Lord and He is just as pleased as I am and bounces it back, “Here, see how I’ve blessed you”.
You get the idea…
Then like every other human being I know, I get distracted and turn my spiritual eyes away from Him and drop the damn thing and it goes rolling away. This is when I find I’m freaking out and I’m emotionally and spiritually out of control.
How strange that this happens during the times when I need to stay focused on God and paying attention.
What happens?? Why do I do that?? I get so frustrated! I feel so foolish.
My own frustration/foolishness level rises and I give up, of course, till He quietly calls me back again. He is faithful even and more so, when I am not. And I'm thinking about "mustard seeds" here.
Then I ask myself why do I lose faith?? What happens to my head that the first thing I do is regress to old ways?? Back to the old ways of trying to “work it out on my own”, and the last thing I do is bounce it back up to Him, when He’s waiting right there to catch it.
I know I need to be more disciplined, especially now! Discipline has never been my strong point. I know I have some discipline, but I often wonder where I got that. Then I heard a song today by Nicole C. Mullin called "One Touch" and it was about just touching the hem of His garment. Yep, started to cry!!! I hate it when that happens! But at the same time I needed that to happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7LyHDvcz3M
That's how I feel today, that all I have right now is the strength to just touch the hem.
So here I am tossing the life ball back to Him and knowing that He’s going to catch it, put a bit strength on it, and toss it back to me.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
"This is no longer a part of your life"
Well, God is taking me on another journey. The quit smoking journey. Most people think, oh, quitting smoking, what's the journey in that. But, this is more than just quitting smoking, it's a spiritual journey as much as it's a physical journey.
It's about being obedient and aware of God's ever presence in my life. And His will for me.
This journey that started before I even knew there was going to be a journey. (See previous post.)
Yes, I was in a "funk". It wasn't a big deal, I just knew that God was trying to get my attention and couldn't figure out why. My question to God has always been "WHY?"
Well, I made the decision to go to the Terra Nova Women's Retreat in October. It was a choice between a new sofa or the retreat. Somehow, I chose the retreat. A God thing.
Now, let me tell you!, I had no intention of quitting smoking the day I left for the retreat. Even after friends and close family members urged me to quit. Even after poor Ethan, my then 3 year old grandson, chased me out the door and stood at the glass slider door pleading with me "don't do that gramma, it's bad for you"!, his words and the look on his face haunt me, still.
Yet, I still just smoked. I would make up stories as to what I was doing outside to avoid Ethan's recriminations! But yet, I still wasn't going to quit smoking. I felt like, I'm grown, I can do what I want to do.
At the retreat, the Holy Spirit was "full", for lack of a better word, at this time, and I felt that God was impressing something on me. At first I didn't know what it was. But it was there and it was heavy.
Then during a break, I went outside and lit one up. I heard Him say gently, quietly, "I want you to put that away". What the heck! HUH!!!??? I just lit this! These suckers are expensive! But, was I obedient, oh, no I wasn't, but the feeling that I let my Lord down was HUGE. It wasn't guilt or shame, it was something else, but I don't have a word for it.
We went back inside to finish up our morning with our speaker, Danna Demetre, and some of the things she said just hit me in the head like a two by four. And the final "brick" being tossed at me, was Romans 12:1,
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, (and sisters- my edition) in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual or reasonable act of worship". Oh, jeez, "an act of worship".
I've heard this verse a thousand times in my Christian walk, but that day it was HUGE.
A God thing.
And so I knew deep in my heart that I had to quit smoking. I hated it. I dreaded it. I really didn't want to do it. I know how hard it is to quit. I've done it many times. I was praying about it and really hoping that I totally misunderstood the message. Nope, I didn't. He wanted me to quit, and promised that He has something so much better for me.
I was speaking to my car pool buddy about it on the way home, and she offered to hold me accountable, but I didn't think that was what God wanted. I didn't know this at the time.
God has made it very clear to me, that He is holding me accountable. In a very loving and wonderful way God is getting me through this. He is revealing to me many wonderful things. He's answering questions I've had for 10 years! He's blessing me through this and I am in absolute awe of Him at this moment.
It's really funny how God prepared me for this. I started identifying my "triggers", the things that make me want to smoke, boredom, anger, hunger, tiredness, after dinner, in the car, so on and so on. I just knew that I was preparing to go into a battle of some kind. I chose my method of medicinal assistance, the nicotine patch, and I told my family and friends, some of who smoke, what my plan was and picked a date. October 19th. The day after I turned 50 years old. Then just recently I found a website called www.becomeanex.com and all those things are there! All of them!!! A God thing.
The first few days weren't too bad. The 5th day was horrible, I couldn't get past a craving no matter how hard I tried. Then He gave me this simple sentence, "This is no longer a part of your life".
He didn't say, "NO you can't have it". Or, "NO you don't need it". He simply said, "This is no longer a part of your life". And every time I repeat that, whether in my head or out loud the craving passes quickly and I move on. And today as I say this sentence, I am comforted.
Day 10 was the worst of it, I think, and I hope. I was in the middle of the hardest, longest craving so far and I tried to stay busy. I took care of 6 loads of laundry. That's hard work since I live in an apt. and have to "schlep" baskets over to the laundry room 3 buildings and an alley over. And my neck pain was excruciating. I took the dog out for a walk, I picked up around the house. I was doing deep breathing exercises, EVERYTHING! I could think of, I did it.
I finally got in the shower and just cried out to the Lord, "LORD!, PLEASE!". And in that moment, the craving was gone. Completely gone. I cannot express the relief! I could breathe!!!
But I learned something else. And that was simply that all He wants me to do is ask. Not just expect that He's "got it" but to come to Him and ask Him. UH, DUH!
As I mentioned earlier He's answered many questions and has relieved me of some burdens that I've carried with me for a long time. One of those questions, and burdens was, why did He allow Todd and I to get married only to have it fail so terribly and miserably?? WHY WHY WHY!?? Please understand, it's not because I still love him, or want that marriage back - oh HELL NO, but I've struggled with this for so long and pretty much figured that I could have an answer when I get to heaven.
I don't remember what day of this journey it was on, but for some reason I was thinking about this again. I hadn't thought about it in a couple of years. And then there was the answer - He allows us free will. And even when our free will is SO NOT in His will for us He will use it for His glory. The reason He allowed this (even though it broke His heart to watch) was multifaceted.
First, He had to get me out of the environment I was in. I was in a place where my sins were all around me, friends I had, drinking buddies, party pals were everywhere. In order to work in my life effectively, He had to get me out of my "geographic".
Second, He had to take me away from my kids. I surely wasn't taking care of them. Oh, I paid the bills but that was pretty much it. I partied, I set terrible examples. There were no boundaries, no rules, no nothing. I was a "bad mother". I'm sure there were and are worse mother's than I was, but I wasn't that much better. And it still wasn't right. I was just at a loss as to what to do with them. I had to have that taken away from me by God since the system couldn't, so I would know what I had. It was one of those "you don't miss your water till the well runs dry" kind of things. Oh, and I missed them. I longed for them. I wanted them to have what I was having. A new found wonderful thing called Jesus Christ. But they wanted nothing more to do with me for awhile. Oh, but God has restored and redeemed them back to me and it makes them so much more precious to me now.
Third, I got educated in His Word. I learned more in 18 months than I had ever learned in my entire life. I got the "meat and potatoes" of bible history. I studied the OT and the NT.
I learned of His first followers and I studied the book of Revelation, and I learned and I learned and oh, I was thirsty. I soaked it all in. I didn't know then but it was in preparation for future "faith builder" events that happened later.
Fourth, He had to show me that even "so called", "self professed" christian (note the lower case "c") men have their own agenda's. And Todd had his own agenda's. Once those agenda's were met, I no longer mattered. Nor did our marriage.
Fifth and finally, He wanted me to see how He showed me the way out of this mess, that I could no longer bear. He showed me where my grounds for leaving were and provided for me during that time.
Many things happened after the failure of my marriage to Todd. I walked away from God. I turned my back on a wonderful thing. Not because I didn't believe. I always believed, but I was terribly confused. I didn't know what to think. I had fallen into a huge depression and had it not been for one of God's wonderfully holy people, Terri McAuley, I wouldn't be here today. I was in limbo. I was on the fence, I was a "mugrump". My mug on one side and my rump on the other. I made some stupid choices but it wasn't too bad. I met Scott during this time so it's all good.
I gave up a lot to have what I have now with Him. And I have been healed of much. Many of my wounds are covered in His blood. And my gratitude is HUGE.
Today is Day 21 of this journey. I feel God with me and around me even through some of the issues I'm facing have nothing to do with my quitting smoking.
He reminded me through Lindsay's cancer scare that He was "in this" and that I had to have faith and He has rewarded that faith with a clean bill of health for her. That's all I wanted, oh how much He has again given back to me. After many doctor's visits and referrals to specialists (who really don't know what they're doing) and many, many uncomfortable tests, there is no more cancer. She doesn't have to have Interferon treatments, which we found out would have done her more harm than good even though this is what was the recommended treatment. She simply has to have and MRI and a PET Scan every year and follow up with a dermatologist annually and of course use sunscreen and stay out of the sun during peak hours.
My faith was rewarded. My child was spared. Even though the guilt was heavy. The feeling like - why would He spare my child, when so many others were dying and suffering terribly.
Another "Why" question.
He's reminded me that guilt and shame are not of Him. They are of the enemy. To distract us from Him and take our focus off of Him. He simply just loves me just like I am and wants me to be obedient.
I have a long way to go before I'm done with this particular journey and I will continue to ask people to pray for my complete recovery from smoking. And for now, I'm walking slowly with Him every day. Some people may not even recognize this, but that's okay too. Because I know Him and He knows me, intimately, and that's really all that matters to me right now in this moment. In the meantime, I'll pray for those who don't understand.
I know that no matter what I look like, how much I weigh, how big my belly gets, or what my evil thoughts are, He loves me.
HE LOVES ME!!!
How I wish for other's to have what I have with Him. I try to explain it to people, but they look at me with that dazed look, like, "huh". And I am learning that I have to just let Him work in them as He is working in me. And pray for them. It's a process. I have the courage now, I never had before, to speak out about Him in places I never would have. I've been very open with people at work about how and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And it's opened up a lot of conversations that I can only hope are "of Him".
And finally I can say without question or doubt that the next journey will be even more trying and even more difficult, but I look forward to it because I know He is with me always.
I'm reminded in His Word - in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". I'm in good hands.
What more do I need?? What more does anyone need??
It's about being obedient and aware of God's ever presence in my life. And His will for me.
This journey that started before I even knew there was going to be a journey. (See previous post.)
Yes, I was in a "funk". It wasn't a big deal, I just knew that God was trying to get my attention and couldn't figure out why. My question to God has always been "WHY?"
Well, I made the decision to go to the Terra Nova Women's Retreat in October. It was a choice between a new sofa or the retreat. Somehow, I chose the retreat. A God thing.
Now, let me tell you!, I had no intention of quitting smoking the day I left for the retreat. Even after friends and close family members urged me to quit. Even after poor Ethan, my then 3 year old grandson, chased me out the door and stood at the glass slider door pleading with me "don't do that gramma, it's bad for you"!, his words and the look on his face haunt me, still.
Yet, I still just smoked. I would make up stories as to what I was doing outside to avoid Ethan's recriminations! But yet, I still wasn't going to quit smoking. I felt like, I'm grown, I can do what I want to do.
At the retreat, the Holy Spirit was "full", for lack of a better word, at this time, and I felt that God was impressing something on me. At first I didn't know what it was. But it was there and it was heavy.
Then during a break, I went outside and lit one up. I heard Him say gently, quietly, "I want you to put that away". What the heck! HUH!!!??? I just lit this! These suckers are expensive! But, was I obedient, oh, no I wasn't, but the feeling that I let my Lord down was HUGE. It wasn't guilt or shame, it was something else, but I don't have a word for it.
We went back inside to finish up our morning with our speaker, Danna Demetre, and some of the things she said just hit me in the head like a two by four. And the final "brick" being tossed at me, was Romans 12:1,
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, (and sisters- my edition) in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual or reasonable act of worship". Oh, jeez, "an act of worship".
I've heard this verse a thousand times in my Christian walk, but that day it was HUGE.
A God thing.
And so I knew deep in my heart that I had to quit smoking. I hated it. I dreaded it. I really didn't want to do it. I know how hard it is to quit. I've done it many times. I was praying about it and really hoping that I totally misunderstood the message. Nope, I didn't. He wanted me to quit, and promised that He has something so much better for me.
I was speaking to my car pool buddy about it on the way home, and she offered to hold me accountable, but I didn't think that was what God wanted. I didn't know this at the time.
God has made it very clear to me, that He is holding me accountable. In a very loving and wonderful way God is getting me through this. He is revealing to me many wonderful things. He's answering questions I've had for 10 years! He's blessing me through this and I am in absolute awe of Him at this moment.
It's really funny how God prepared me for this. I started identifying my "triggers", the things that make me want to smoke, boredom, anger, hunger, tiredness, after dinner, in the car, so on and so on. I just knew that I was preparing to go into a battle of some kind. I chose my method of medicinal assistance, the nicotine patch, and I told my family and friends, some of who smoke, what my plan was and picked a date. October 19th. The day after I turned 50 years old. Then just recently I found a website called www.becomeanex.com and all those things are there! All of them!!! A God thing.
The first few days weren't too bad. The 5th day was horrible, I couldn't get past a craving no matter how hard I tried. Then He gave me this simple sentence, "This is no longer a part of your life".
He didn't say, "NO you can't have it". Or, "NO you don't need it". He simply said, "This is no longer a part of your life". And every time I repeat that, whether in my head or out loud the craving passes quickly and I move on. And today as I say this sentence, I am comforted.
Day 10 was the worst of it, I think, and I hope. I was in the middle of the hardest, longest craving so far and I tried to stay busy. I took care of 6 loads of laundry. That's hard work since I live in an apt. and have to "schlep" baskets over to the laundry room 3 buildings and an alley over. And my neck pain was excruciating. I took the dog out for a walk, I picked up around the house. I was doing deep breathing exercises, EVERYTHING! I could think of, I did it.
I finally got in the shower and just cried out to the Lord, "LORD!, PLEASE!". And in that moment, the craving was gone. Completely gone. I cannot express the relief! I could breathe!!!
But I learned something else. And that was simply that all He wants me to do is ask. Not just expect that He's "got it" but to come to Him and ask Him. UH, DUH!
As I mentioned earlier He's answered many questions and has relieved me of some burdens that I've carried with me for a long time. One of those questions, and burdens was, why did He allow Todd and I to get married only to have it fail so terribly and miserably?? WHY WHY WHY!?? Please understand, it's not because I still love him, or want that marriage back - oh HELL NO, but I've struggled with this for so long and pretty much figured that I could have an answer when I get to heaven.
I don't remember what day of this journey it was on, but for some reason I was thinking about this again. I hadn't thought about it in a couple of years. And then there was the answer - He allows us free will. And even when our free will is SO NOT in His will for us He will use it for His glory. The reason He allowed this (even though it broke His heart to watch) was multifaceted.
First, He had to get me out of the environment I was in. I was in a place where my sins were all around me, friends I had, drinking buddies, party pals were everywhere. In order to work in my life effectively, He had to get me out of my "geographic".
Second, He had to take me away from my kids. I surely wasn't taking care of them. Oh, I paid the bills but that was pretty much it. I partied, I set terrible examples. There were no boundaries, no rules, no nothing. I was a "bad mother". I'm sure there were and are worse mother's than I was, but I wasn't that much better. And it still wasn't right. I was just at a loss as to what to do with them. I had to have that taken away from me by God since the system couldn't, so I would know what I had. It was one of those "you don't miss your water till the well runs dry" kind of things. Oh, and I missed them. I longed for them. I wanted them to have what I was having. A new found wonderful thing called Jesus Christ. But they wanted nothing more to do with me for awhile. Oh, but God has restored and redeemed them back to me and it makes them so much more precious to me now.
Third, I got educated in His Word. I learned more in 18 months than I had ever learned in my entire life. I got the "meat and potatoes" of bible history. I studied the OT and the NT.
I learned of His first followers and I studied the book of Revelation, and I learned and I learned and oh, I was thirsty. I soaked it all in. I didn't know then but it was in preparation for future "faith builder" events that happened later.
Fourth, He had to show me that even "so called", "self professed" christian (note the lower case "c") men have their own agenda's. And Todd had his own agenda's. Once those agenda's were met, I no longer mattered. Nor did our marriage.
Fifth and finally, He wanted me to see how He showed me the way out of this mess, that I could no longer bear. He showed me where my grounds for leaving were and provided for me during that time.
Many things happened after the failure of my marriage to Todd. I walked away from God. I turned my back on a wonderful thing. Not because I didn't believe. I always believed, but I was terribly confused. I didn't know what to think. I had fallen into a huge depression and had it not been for one of God's wonderfully holy people, Terri McAuley, I wouldn't be here today. I was in limbo. I was on the fence, I was a "mugrump". My mug on one side and my rump on the other. I made some stupid choices but it wasn't too bad. I met Scott during this time so it's all good.
I gave up a lot to have what I have now with Him. And I have been healed of much. Many of my wounds are covered in His blood. And my gratitude is HUGE.
Today is Day 21 of this journey. I feel God with me and around me even through some of the issues I'm facing have nothing to do with my quitting smoking.
He reminded me through Lindsay's cancer scare that He was "in this" and that I had to have faith and He has rewarded that faith with a clean bill of health for her. That's all I wanted, oh how much He has again given back to me. After many doctor's visits and referrals to specialists (who really don't know what they're doing) and many, many uncomfortable tests, there is no more cancer. She doesn't have to have Interferon treatments, which we found out would have done her more harm than good even though this is what was the recommended treatment. She simply has to have and MRI and a PET Scan every year and follow up with a dermatologist annually and of course use sunscreen and stay out of the sun during peak hours.
My faith was rewarded. My child was spared. Even though the guilt was heavy. The feeling like - why would He spare my child, when so many others were dying and suffering terribly.
Another "Why" question.
He's reminded me that guilt and shame are not of Him. They are of the enemy. To distract us from Him and take our focus off of Him. He simply just loves me just like I am and wants me to be obedient.
I have a long way to go before I'm done with this particular journey and I will continue to ask people to pray for my complete recovery from smoking. And for now, I'm walking slowly with Him every day. Some people may not even recognize this, but that's okay too. Because I know Him and He knows me, intimately, and that's really all that matters to me right now in this moment. In the meantime, I'll pray for those who don't understand.
I know that no matter what I look like, how much I weigh, how big my belly gets, or what my evil thoughts are, He loves me.
HE LOVES ME!!!
How I wish for other's to have what I have with Him. I try to explain it to people, but they look at me with that dazed look, like, "huh". And I am learning that I have to just let Him work in them as He is working in me. And pray for them. It's a process. I have the courage now, I never had before, to speak out about Him in places I never would have. I've been very open with people at work about how and why I'm doing what I'm doing. And it's opened up a lot of conversations that I can only hope are "of Him".
And finally I can say without question or doubt that the next journey will be even more trying and even more difficult, but I look forward to it because I know He is with me always.
I'm reminded in His Word - in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand". I'm in good hands.
What more do I need?? What more does anyone need??
Friday, September 26, 2008
Just stuff...
Okay, so I said I'd blog more often and yet, I haven't. My bad.
So here's what's going on and what's on my mind these days.
I'm crocheting like a freak!!! LOL. And anyone who knows me, knows what I mean.
I've read a couple of really good books. "The Shack". Definitely thought provoking.
And I'm reading "The Fisherman" now. So far it's good. I'm also into "The Ragamuffin Gospel".
As for my personal stuff.....
My daughter and I met the "head dude" in charge of all Melanoma research at UCLA. And his opinion - based on the size of her mole and the shallowness of it, regardless of the lymph node involvement, he's recommending no treatment. He feels that the treatment would do her more harm than good.
This seems like an answer to prayer. Yes, God has heard my cry. The cry to spare my child. Why He would choose to do this is beyond my understanding and I'm reminded that His ways are not my ways and my understanding is not the same as His understanding.
The only thing he is recommending is annual MRI's and Cat Scan's. She had her first MRI of her brain yesterday. And the Cat scan next week.
This is such a relief...... yet, I'm still in a "funk". A place in my mind and my heart where I feel like I'm in "limbo". I feel like I'm just supposed to "wait". Not do any more than what I'm doing, not get involved in any other projects. Just "wait". I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or why. Maybe it's because I'm turning 50 next month, maybe it's ..... I don't know. I just feel like I need to hang back and "wait".
Yet, there are things going on in my life that are blessings - seeing Jane again was huge. I miss SHOUT and my relationship with the woman who gave me back my voice.
My work is going good. Everyone is doing fine. My husband is fine. And I'm holding on to those blessings. Yet, I'm still in a funk. I really don't like it, but I know that God is up to something. Something great and wonderful.
Kristen and Jeff moved away (at least its not Georgia) but now I have no place to retreat to and have lunch with the boys. I've adjusted to this. I miss those times and wish that I could have them back. But things move forward and life continues to be fluid.
My neck issue is really becoming a problem. It's not Osteo Arthritis as originally suspected. And now the orthopedic specialist seems to think it's bursitis. Hopefully the PT will help as will the new drugs. I'm trying to have an open mind and be postive but I have this feeling that there's something more going on that I don't know about. Maybe that's just my pessimistic part coming out. I just don't know.
We're not moving anytime soon so we're going to redecorate the apartment to make it more "homey". This is the most exciting thing going on for me.
I'm really frustrated with the $$$ 700 Billion dollar $$$ bail out that the government feels we should pay for the mortgage industry. I say let them bail themselves out!!! Accountability people!!! Accountability!!! What's frustrating is that this is my tax dollars, that worked my hind end off for, and I don't even get a say so about it. ARGH!! And then what do I do if my own bank goes under. Jeez, life just gets so stupid sometimes.
Next post will be updated pictures.
There! I've shared.... (you know who you are.... )
So here's what's going on and what's on my mind these days.
I'm crocheting like a freak!!! LOL. And anyone who knows me, knows what I mean.
I've read a couple of really good books. "The Shack". Definitely thought provoking.
And I'm reading "The Fisherman" now. So far it's good. I'm also into "The Ragamuffin Gospel".
As for my personal stuff.....
My daughter and I met the "head dude" in charge of all Melanoma research at UCLA. And his opinion - based on the size of her mole and the shallowness of it, regardless of the lymph node involvement, he's recommending no treatment. He feels that the treatment would do her more harm than good.
This seems like an answer to prayer. Yes, God has heard my cry. The cry to spare my child. Why He would choose to do this is beyond my understanding and I'm reminded that His ways are not my ways and my understanding is not the same as His understanding.
The only thing he is recommending is annual MRI's and Cat Scan's. She had her first MRI of her brain yesterday. And the Cat scan next week.
This is such a relief...... yet, I'm still in a "funk". A place in my mind and my heart where I feel like I'm in "limbo". I feel like I'm just supposed to "wait". Not do any more than what I'm doing, not get involved in any other projects. Just "wait". I'm not sure what I'm waiting for or why. Maybe it's because I'm turning 50 next month, maybe it's ..... I don't know. I just feel like I need to hang back and "wait".
Yet, there are things going on in my life that are blessings - seeing Jane again was huge. I miss SHOUT and my relationship with the woman who gave me back my voice.
My work is going good. Everyone is doing fine. My husband is fine. And I'm holding on to those blessings. Yet, I'm still in a funk. I really don't like it, but I know that God is up to something. Something great and wonderful.
Kristen and Jeff moved away (at least its not Georgia) but now I have no place to retreat to and have lunch with the boys. I've adjusted to this. I miss those times and wish that I could have them back. But things move forward and life continues to be fluid.
My neck issue is really becoming a problem. It's not Osteo Arthritis as originally suspected. And now the orthopedic specialist seems to think it's bursitis. Hopefully the PT will help as will the new drugs. I'm trying to have an open mind and be postive but I have this feeling that there's something more going on that I don't know about. Maybe that's just my pessimistic part coming out. I just don't know.
We're not moving anytime soon so we're going to redecorate the apartment to make it more "homey". This is the most exciting thing going on for me.
I'm really frustrated with the $$$ 700 Billion dollar $$$ bail out that the government feels we should pay for the mortgage industry. I say let them bail themselves out!!! Accountability people!!! Accountability!!! What's frustrating is that this is my tax dollars, that worked my hind end off for, and I don't even get a say so about it. ARGH!! And then what do I do if my own bank goes under. Jeez, life just gets so stupid sometimes.
Next post will be updated pictures.
There! I've shared.... (you know who you are.... )
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