I Will Still Love You, Lord.

I had this plan that I would go back to work on June 1st. Silly me… to be making such lofty plans for myself. Well, God had and still has different plans for me. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect this past few days on what God would have me do this week…. I’ve had time to “rewind-stop-play, fast forward-stop-play” over and over about the last 6 months since Scott’s cancer diagnosis and my daughter, Shannon told me, “Mom, don’t worry, your rewind will break”. And I wasn’t really “worried” because I know its all part of the grieving process. I’ve read some things about grief and how you fight it or just go with the roll of the wave. And I’ve found that it’s much easier, in a sense, to just roll with it.

And I decided to just be open to the Lord and whatever His plan was for me. Not only this past week but for my life. And I know that this isn’t going to be the easiest thing for me to do, since I tend to be stubborn in a few areas where “I think I know what’s best”. Well… honestly, it turns out, I know NOTHING!

Everything just keeps coming back to me… from the time He found me and brushed me off and set me on this new path 10 years ago. And I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much clearer.

From even before I knew Him. And I stand in awe and amazement at the wonder of it all.

Fast Forward to current day – and this comes back to Scott’s cancer diagnosis and how much I thought I could “control” the situations around me. But if you knew Scott you knew he likes to take charge of his own life unless it’s God telling him what to do. I had a hard time with Scott taking a very non proactive stance with the hospital personnel or doctors. He never pushed for a sooner appointment, but he did ask the tough questions. The ones a person doesn’t really want to know the answer to. I was extremely frustrated with his attitude and his lack of action regarding his care.

Then a dear, sweet friend, and you know who you are, invited me to her home to “talk”. And proceeded to tell me that I was being a pain in the ass! Of course I tried to argue this, but she was showing me that Scott wasn’t a child, he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions – right or wrong. CRAP!!!

And she taught me to “just be”. Be in the moment, don’t fight the moment. If anyone knows me they know that this was IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. At least in my own power.

And I found out that I really knew nothing about what was coming our way. I’d never heard of Squamous Cell Carcinoma in my life. So I did my diligent duty by researching everything I could find on the subject. But I still didn’t know exactly what would take place. Scott’s tumor was on his neck. It started in his throat and grew outward. And it got HUGE quickly. It was non-operable. But it was also all over the inside of his body. At the rate the visible tumors were growing and appearing the tumors inside his body were growing.

I reviewed the lab reports, and looked at the MRI films. It was overwhelming to me.

Scott just kept saying over and over, “It’s in God’s Hands”. And he really, truly believed it. Which then forced me to take a look at that too…. And you know what, I came to really, truly believe it as well. Not because I liked anything that was happening, but I kept seeing God in things every day. God made Himself VERY visible during this horrible ordeal.

Scott decided to do treatment, even though it was stage 4 and due to his current health status, this was going to be very difficult for him. And I knew, by what I believe was the power of the Holy Spirit, that he wouldn’t be able to finish treatment.

And so it came to be. Scott decided that he didn’t want to die from “complications of cancer treatment”.

Then we watched as the tumor shrank, and we had this hope that God was giving Scott the miracle he prayed for, but it came back with a vengeance and it stole everything from Scott.

As Scott proceeded to get worse and worse he still wanted people to come and sit and visit. Even when he couldn’t stay awake more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time. People were so loving and patient and waited for him to wake up. And this was a blessing for me too, most of the time anyway.

The visits from other people afforded me the luxury of leaving the apartment even for a few minutes to walk the dog, or check the mail. The wonderful people of our church, Terra Nova, did their due diligence too. We had meals brought to us, we had some people come, lay out the food and “sup” with us. What a huge blessing that was for us. We were able to get to know people in ways we never would have. And Scott just kept pointing out that all of this was in God’s own Hands. His statement throughout was, “God’s got this, God’s still got this”. We had people do our laundry - you guys know who you are! Kudos to you!!! We had people bring us mocha's and just "hang out". Turns out they were blessed by blessing us. What a concept!

Throughout this process, there were times of sheer joy and times of sheer frustration.

Sometimes all at the same time.

Scott always kept us laughing. Even down to when he couldn’t even communicate very well. You see, there was the other tumor, the one that wasn’t big at all, that was our “troublemaker”. It rested on Scott’s ceratoid artery and was keeping the blood from getting to his brain and Scott could no longer form thought into word. And again, if you knew Scott you know that he always had much to say. So I know how very trying this was for him. But he still kept me laughing. That was one solid constant with Scott… he always laughed at the stupidest things and could make me laugh right along with him. He knew if he could make me laugh, the danger was over.

Scott fought every “new thing” that had to happen. New meds were suspicious, getting the hospital bed in here for him was a big battle that was fought in our living room with the nurse, his mom, Lola, me and our friend Sharon. He really lost his temper with Sharon and later hugged her and apologized. It was a touching moment – hard but touching. He finally ok’d the bed, but NO WHITE SHEETS – so Lola went and got him black sheets, and a back up Ivory pair. He hated using the oxygen, but did use it more and more. He questioned the pain pump. And I’ll never forget the look on his face (the saddest look I've ever seen in my life) when he needed to have a catheter put in.

After that the care of him became harder and easier at the same time. It was at this point that he was so agitated that he had to be treated for the agitation. Because agitation is like pain.
However - Side effect – sedation.
How I HATED having to make that call. I knew I was taking complete control of everything that was the essence of Scott.

How I cried, yet God held fast to me. In the times that I was frustrated, confused and tormented by the decisions I was making God was there holding on to me, because He knew I couldn’t hold on to Him. He put people before me to help me in the big and the small of its. Lola, my wonderful mother in law who tried to do everything she could to make life as I knew it easier. The laundry cart, the cleaning up and just the awesome support. She backed me up every step of the way.

Cara, Scott’s nurse who is now a member of our family – how God knew it was going to take her with her personality to overcome the challenges Scott presented. And she not only overcame those challenges, but she got Scott to love her... and he SO LOVED her. She was here on her days off too. Just to check him and “be” with us. She supported me in different ways than Lola did. But God put so many people here to support us. Pastors John Reed and Lyle Castellaw, people we didn’t even really know became “fixtures” in our home.

Again, I stand in awe and amazement. Okay, I sometimes sit in awe and amazement. How He used the smallest consequence for His purposes was just a total “wow” to watch.

In the “beginning of the end” Scott knew without a shadow of a doubt how much he was loved. Not only by God, but by all the people whose lives he touched. And there were plenty of them. He never realized that some of the smallest things he did touched people in a way that they would never be the same again. He did that with me so I know it to be true.

So now again, reflecting on everything from the beginning of Scott’s illness I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God is present. He is present in it all. And God has touched me in powerful ways I never saw coming. He was with me in that last hour of Scott’s life when I begged Him to be with me “right here, right now” and His peace just washed over me so that I could stop crying so Scott could go home to be with Him.

You see, Scott hated to see me cry. The day after he decided to stop treatment he asked me not to cry when he died. I told him that his request was unreasonable and unrealistic. But that I would try…. Well…. Helloooo….if I didn’t cry there would have been something terribly amiss.

And I cried that last hour every time he stopped breathing and his heart stopped I cried hysterically. That’s when I begged our God, “Right here, right now” and He gave me the peace that only He could give me and finally I whispered to Scott, “Ha ha, I’m not crying now” and he took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. But God didn’t let His peace stop there… the calmness and peace in our home was felt by everyone here. There was no drama or theatrics. No hysterical crying or moaning. Just peace. And later, much laughter. You can't be in a room with all of my daughters and not laugh.

Cara, Scott’s beloved nurse assured me that I took such great care of him and that I should write a book about how to properly care for a dying hospice patient. Well, I kept thinking about that and the only thing that stands in the way is that people have to know and believe in God. They have to allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in them so that they can love that person unconditionally because without the Power of God a person truly CANNOT love another person unconditionally.

This is a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp. You have to be able to trust and obey a Being you cannot touch and feel. It was hard for me to do, but I really believed that my God is a great big God and I knew that I could trust Him and Him alone to get me through the hardest parts.

So, that being said, I may do some kind of “book” but I’ll let God dictate it. Because, without Him, I am NOTHING. I know NOTHING, and I’m NOTHING.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I will still love You, Lord, I will still love You!

In Loving Memory...

Today is 2 full weeks since Scott passed away and in loving memory of him I am writing this post.
He became such a wonderful man. Yes, it was still challenging to be in a relationship with him but that kept me grounded. He kept me "real". He expected much from me and I can only hope that I met his expectations. The really screwed up part about his passing is that he finally became the man and husband I knew he could be and that was so short lived. Why does that happen!?
Today I miss him more than I have in the last 2 weeks. I watched him fade away as the cancer slowly/quickly took EVERYTHING from him. First it took his energy, then his appetite, then more energy, then his reasoning abilities, then his control. I had to take control for him and I know that was the hardest thing for him. I had to do things for him that he would refer to as "above and beyond the call of duty". But I did it with so much love in my heart - not only for him but for the God we worship.

This whole process was a huge test of faith. Not only mine, but his as well, but until the end, when he could no longer process his thoughts into words, he kept saying, "God's still got this". And I'm reminded today that this is very true.

Even though I'm terribly sad today, I still love the LORD with all my heart and I feel His presence in my home and in my life. He has new plans for me now. I'm not sure what they are, but I know this to be solidly true. And whatever those plans are I'm sure Scott would say, "Just go for it".


He really believed in living on the edge and do what you think God would have you do and do it with everything you have. Scott did everything, right down to the very end just the way he wanted to. He went on his last trip to Mexico on just God's strength because he really believed that this is what God wanted him to do.

Kristen and I were having a conversation about it the other day and I told her that I just kept reliving all of it over and over in my head and so I know this means that I need to put it all down on paper - that will be the next blog, I think. It might be edited some, but Scott's story needs to be told. Not just of his "colorful" past, but rather from where his "life" really started and how it all came to be for a "time such as this".

So, in honor of Scott today, I will try really hard not to cry (much). And I'll remember all the good times and adventures we had together. And there were plenty!

Scott, I miss you and I will always miss you.
And I will always love you the best.

Nothing is too hard for you

Okay, so just when I think I just can’t do this anymore…. I’m too tired, I’m too emotional, I’m too (_____fill in the blank ____) and I’m crying out to God to “do something” I get this devotional from Greg Laurie, pastor of Harvest.

Jeremiah 32:17 – There is nothing too hard for you.

“Is God's power limited? Scripture tells us over and over that God is omnipotent, which means all-powerful. Even when Job was in pain and distress, he said to the Lord, " 'I know that You can do all things. No plan of Yours can be thwarted' " (Job 42:2 NIV).The prophet Jeremiah proclaimed God's power: " 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You' " (Jeremiah 32:17).
The archangel Gabriel reassured Mary by saying, " 'With God nothing will be impossible' " (Luke 1:37).
Now you see how silly it is when we say something like, "I have tried everything, and now all I can do is pray." Now all you can do is turn to the all-powerful God, the Creator of the universe, who happens to love you a lot. What do you mean, that's all you can do? That's the first thing you should do. Before we do anything else, we should turn our troubles over to God, because nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is beyond His reach. Nothing is beyond His ability.”

So, this is God’s way of saying to me – I see your pain…. But again, when I am weak, He is so strong. This theme has been present throughout my life and even more so these days.

Now I get it - maybe...

Before I get into this new "thought" that I'm going to share, I have to say that Scott's had a rough couple of days. He had what the Hospice RN called a "pain crisis". That would be putting it mildly - it was more like a pain storm. He's better today but each time something else happens it diminishes him even further and I am in a constant state of anxious anticipation and apprehension. I never know what the next moment is going bring. I never know if I'm going to sleep through the night. I don't know that I'll ever sleep through the night again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - I'm just "tellin' it like it is".

This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!

So anyway, onto my thoughts....

On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;

"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."

So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!

So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.

Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!

Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??

Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.

So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...

WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS STRONG.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YeUuF3fE9iQ

I wrote in my last blog that when I am at my weakest moment God is strong. And I’ve had to really focus on that exclusively over the last few months. I’ve had to focus on that I know what I know. And what I know is that God knows exactly where I am, what’s going on in my mind and my heart. He knows how I feel and continues to give me such great comfort and peace.

I’ve asked him to be with me, and he said to me, very clearly – I AM.

WOW! Here’s the God part - a friend sent me this song and I broke down and cried. Just that God would use people around me to relay His messages when I doubt I heard Him.

He continues to put a song on my heart most mornings, and puts people before me to let me know that He is here. He knows my needs. I have not to want or need for anything. God is making sure that any “need” we have is being met. God is so GREAT! And so powerfully strong!!!

Oh Lord, please forgive me for doubting that I hear you.

I’ve come to realize that those times when I think I’m strong all by myself I’m really not doing that in my own power. It’s God’s Power only. And I feel like Peter – you know that time when Peter saw Jesus on the water – walking on the water and He called to Peter and Peter kept his eyes on Jesus and walked on water –only when he took his eyes off Jesus did he start to fall into the water. And even still God rescued him. And that’s how I feel sometimes. When I take my eyes off him for a moment and drown in the abyss of this life that is mine, He steps in, picks me out of it, dries me off and encourages me with His peace to look forward.

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of Saturdays ago and she asked me if I had thought of what I was going to do after Scott died. Because regardless of my confusion, he is going to die. At first I didn’t know what to think or to say and I tried to come off as I knew what I was going to do, but instead I cried. Just plain cried… because I honestly don’t have a clue as to what I’m going to do. I don't even know why I cried, I can only guess that I needed to and I felt safe enough with my friend to just cry.

I say I’m ready, but then I doubt that I am. Can anyone ever be ready for the death of a loved one?? Even when I know that his death could happen at any time now, I wonder if I’m really ready. Not just for the death part, but for the after the death part. Am I ready?? I don’t know, but God knows.

And again, when I am weak, He is strong. He is so strong!

THE DIFFERENT FACES OF FAITH

I’ve had several discussions with my friends about faith and what my faith looks like. Well, it’s kind of hard not to talk about that because my life has always been about faith. It’s been a journey of faith long before I even knew what true faith was. But, this experience has really been a lesson in faith.

Both of my study groups are discussing faith – in my Saturday morning group – this is the main topic – in my Wednesday night group, it’s about women of faith. So the topic of faith is always on my mind and in my heart. Plus I’m reading a book about Extraordinary Faith by Sheila Walsh.


Scott’s upset with what my faith looks like, because my faith isn’t in God giving Scott a miracle healing. That’s not to say that I don’t believe that He could, but I cannot make my faith look like Scott’s faith. It’s like both of us standing in a mirror. We both look different, so does our faith.


This fact used to bother me, but it doesn’t now. I am a different person and so therefore my faith is going to look different too.

Here’s what my faith looks like – My faith is in what is “of God”.

This cancer is not “of God”. This cancer is evil. God is not evil. So this is not of God, so my faith is not in this cancer “going away”. My faith is in that the God of this universe (not of this world, but of the universe) has allowed this thing to happen to us for whatever reason and my faith is that God will use this to His Glory. To let others see that He is present in this with us. Getting us through it.

And part of this is also that we suffer the consequences of our own choices. Scott has smoked for over 30 years. Smoking is proven to cause cancer. In his past he’s abused drugs and alcohol, alcohol and cigarettes together have been scientifically proven to cause this particular kind of cancer. I don’t know if God will “save” him on this earth from the consequences of his own choices. That remains to be seen. But I know we all suffer the consequences of our own choices in one way or another. My faith is that God has saved him from eternal death. Scott will get to be with Christ in heaven.

My faith is that God is with me through this. He continues to give me strength, peace – overwhelmingly, and wisdom (even when I don’t think to ask for it). He continues to put people and things in my life that lift me up and support me.

There are times when I’m so incredibly weak and stumble and fall over this whole experience and He is there to just comfort me, to whisper to me “sweet nothings”, and to assure and reassure me that all is not lost. He is MOST faithful to me when I’m weak. During my weakest times He proves to me that He is strong. And that’s another thing that I want people to see through all this hardship that I’m going through. I’m not the strong one in this. God is holding me up, you just can’t see it. Or sometimes you only see it through those people he puts in my life that hold me up and comfort me.

And I can’t even imagine trying to get through something like this without my God. How do people who don’t believe in our wonderful God get through this kind of experience? How do people get through this without the hope that we have????

The tears still come. Sometimes they come and don’t stop and other times they come at the most inappropriate times. But I don’t fear them now. And I don’t fight them either. I know that this is God’s way of letting some of the stress out of me. It’s like having a water balloon that’s too full. It just starts to leak and that’s what’s happening. Sometimes I leak. And sometimes this feels like I’m going crazy. There will be a blog on that soon too!!!

My faith is that even when Scott’s body dies , his spirit will live forever with Christ and we will always have what we’ve had. And we will meet again. And when we do I know that he’ll have some smart ass statement about all this and we will laugh and laugh about all of the stupid petty stuff we let ourselves worry about now. I look forward to that time.

So, that’s where my hope is and that is what my faith looks like – heaven.

Just some thoughts.

I keep saying I’m going to start writing stuff down and then all of a sudden something else happens and I distracted. Or I just don’t want to share what I’m feeling and thinking. I don't think this is going to change any time soon.
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Scott decided on Sunday morning to stop the cancer treatments. The side effects from the treatment came on too soon and were/are still brutal. what should have happened in about 10 days, started happening in 2-3 days. The soreness in his mouth didn’t compare to the sore throat. The weight loss was HUGE. The loss of appetite, the saliva disappearing, the taste buds being fried and the sore throat all led to the weight loss.

We’ve had so many conversations about so many things that there’s no way I can write down and put into words the emotions that go with all of this. No one can truly prepare you for this period of time! I was telling a friend of ours last night that I didn’t think I needed to be prepared for this yet. I thought I had plenty of time to make decisions like the ones I’ve had to make lately. I thought once I retired I would think about this kind of thing. But here I am, facing this giant. This big, bad-ass, ugly evil thing called cancer. Yes, it’s evil and it’s nasty. This can only be of Satan.

How can sadness and joy live together in the same moment, I don’t know but I know that it does. I live it every minute of every day.

As I lay awake in the middle of the night and listen to my husband breathe, I wonder if today will be the day. Will I be ready? And then he wakes up and it’s not today, not yet. And I can breathe a sigh of relief. He’s happy and sick at the same time. And I'm happy he's happy, and I'm sad he's sick - all at the same time.

I try to have faith in the miracle that he so desires. His faith never wavers – if God chooses to let him live longer he will, if he doesn’t then he gets to go home. He's fine with whatever God decides to do.

Here's the other side of it: then he’s not here for me to “play” with. There’s joy that he will no longer be miserable but then there’s the “selfish” sadness that he won’t be here anymore either.

I’m reminded of when I was a small child about age 6 or 7 and my very best friend in the whole world moved very far away. I was happy they were getting a new house but I was sad that I wouldn’t see her again and we wouldn't get to talk and play anymore. I was never the same after that.

That’s what this feels like only there is that joy that I will see him again in heaven when it’s my turn to come up and “play” with him and Jesus. But while I'm here, I'll never be the same again.