Well, as most people know I'm moving from this apartment at the end of July. And I've been reflecting on ALL that has happened here in just 3 short years. It's been VERY emotional.
So... to help me to move forward, I decided to blog about what I'm thinking and feeling and reflecting on. Kinda like a walk in the clouds.
As I sat here one night stuck on what to pack in what box, it occurred to me that Scott would know... and yeah, I just started to cry.
Like I am now.
And I got really mad. Mad at all of it. I felt cheated, I still feel cheated. Not cheated on, but cheated out of... out of Scott being here to tell me how to do this! Cheated out of having our "retirement years" together, cheated out of having him next to me in our bed. Just plain cheated. I feel ripped off and really angry. And I cry when I'm angry. I know that's really lame, but I do. And I'm sick of crying all the time.
Every room in this place has some memories in it. Just this place alone is one huge memory. Good and bad, and I have to re-live every single memory, every single day.
You see, we moved here a month after starting to go to church at Terra Nova, then called Canyon Hills Church, so that we could be close "to the action" as Scott said. He wanted to be in on EVERYTHING! Just like his grandpa Meredith told him, "Son, if you're gonna rob a bank, take ALL the money".
I didn't want to live here. I liked living in Tustin, but once again, he was right. He had to be "in" it.
We had help from people at Canyon Hills Church that we barely knew, to move here and that was the first of many blessings bestowed upon us. And we met this crazy woman, who organized the whole thing who would would later become our best, most cherished friend.
We really couldn't afford to live here. We were stretched to the breaking point financially. I had to let go of my car that I'd just bought, because I was taught that if you can't pay for something you can't have it. And we had many, many arguments and discussions about money then. Yet through that we became closer, and stronger. Don't get me wrong it was still very difficult, but it did make us better. We found ways of making a grocery list with no more than $50.00 per week. We did free stuff. Took walks and took pictures, and just talked as we walked. Doing stuff with church... and all the while, Scott had his camera. I miss those times more than anything.
He was still pretty sick from his ITP and fatigue was a huge issue all the time. Yet he somehow found the strength to do little things for me. And for others. He cleaned the house, he emptied the cat box, made sure there was gas in the car, and that the windows were clean, just the little things you never think about. He really did make my life easier. And I miss that too.
He spent days on end doing lighting and sound for our church, our home away from home. He loved to take pictures of Kampmania, our church's version of Vacation Bible School. He LOVED those kids. And he would just tell me that Debbie and Carolyn were just plain crazy! But he'd defend them and what they did.
He'd try to "store up" sleep before he went to Project Mexico. He loved that project and in the end talked about moving to Mexico!
Okay, back to the packing stuff.... so I thought I would start packing the "non-essentials", but they're breakable. Scott would know how to pack them. Oh, yeah, Scott's not here. Anger again. I thought, I'll pack bathroom /linen stuff and then I go in there and all of the conversations when he was dying came to me. I felt sucker punched. The breath was literally kicked out of me. But I go in there every day, multiple times a day and I'm fine, but as soon as I have to pack stuff, well... you get the picture.
Here's the thing, toward the end, he was having trouble urinating. And by this time he had to have help with EVERYTHING so I'd help him to the toilet and turn on the water, and just sit on the floor in front of him. And we talked. We talked about so much stuff. And we laughed. He would make jokes about how if he couldn't pee "like regular" then could he pee from his nose?? Oh, that visual was funny!
The time on Valentine's day when he needed to bathe, but was too tired to get in the shower so I gave him a head to toe sponge bath. And he said, "This goes above and beyond the call of duty, and this is way more than you signed up for". I kissed him and reminded him of the covenant we made with God. And that this was all part of it. And told him Happy Valentine's Day.
But then he'd suddenly get serious and he'd want to smoke and I'd help him outside and light his cigarette for him so he wouldn't burn his face anymore, and he said that these were consequences for his choices and that "it is what it is". And I reminded him that he's not who he once was. And that he'd come so far. Yeah, he was still a jerk from time to time but he was so less angry, and hard. He'd become soft. Openly soft.
And even though he was scared from time to time, he was never enveloped in fear. EVER. He knew where he was going, oh, and flaunted it too. Sort of.
So I thought, I'll pack the non essntials from the bedroom... Nope, can't do that...so much happened there. And I don't mean "that" stuff. The arguments, the working it out, the after the fight lovemaking, the rearranging furniture, over and over and over. Hanging the shelves and creating a headboard from a runner rug. The love I feel when I go in there is SO strong. How can I leave that now?? Yet, I have to. I will miss this. Heck, I already miss it.
And so through all this process, I can't lift, push or pull anything more than 10 pounds. So I get stuck again... and I question God. What the heck?? I need to be busy and God gives me Ps. 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God". But why?? Why now?? And that is really none of my business. My only business is to be obedient and to grow closer to God. And then of course I ask myself, "Aren't I close enough". No, I'm not. He's not finished with me yet.
So today, I taped all the boxes I have, I got some newspaper, and I'm set... sort of. I've packed a total of 2 boxes. Tonight will be much more productive.
Still, I go from room to room, remembering all that happened between us and the growth that happened in Scott, in me and in our relationship and in our relationship with God. He loved to read the Bible and get more knowledge.
And here's the really hard one to remember without tears...
I walk in the front door, every day, and I remember January 23rd, 2007, and I remember him waiting for me that day he emailed me and asked me to marry him. I was at work, and I got that email, in the largest possible font, and I wouldn't, couldn't answer him via email.
We both said we'd never get married again. It was just too much, and too painful for both of us. Yet here we were, after many years of trouble and turmoil and only a year of bliss, and he wanted to get married. He wanted to get freaking married??? "WTF-over!"I couldn't tell him I would via email... it just wasn't "okay" with me. So when I got home, and I came in the door and he was waiting for me, he said, "Well???" And of course I had to be difficult and said, "Well what"? And he got so mad... and I laughed and said, "Of course, what did you think, I'd say, no"?
And he proceeded to arrange EVERYTHING. The email invites, the location, the cake, Jon Hall to do it, everything. All I had to do was find a dress. And it was done the way Scott wanted it done, no fuss, no muss. And so everytime I walk in here I remember that moment. And how much our lives changed in the last 2 plus years. We struggled but I watched God do a huge work in him. And in me. He became this generous, loving, kind, giving wonderful person to other people, and doing that he became softer and kinder to me. I have no doubt that he loved me... the best he could. And I know, he knows that I loved him the best I could.
And having said all that....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVlbbk4SPC4
And now I have to leave that behind and turn the page to the new chapter and it's so hard. It's so incredibly bittersweet! I don't want to do this, but I have to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS!
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
The Last Day.
I’m not sure why but I just feel like it’s time and it’s important to share Scott’s last day on earth with everyone who may read this. It was sad, but it was so incredible. God made His presence known more on this day than any other day.
It started out, “same old, same old”. I knew today would be the day he died, his nurse, Cara had seen this for 11 years and she knew it would be today. I was wrestling with what the actual event would look like. I had never experienced this before. I had no idea what to expect.
Back track – Febuary – When Scott decided to stop the cancer treatments, he asked, begged me to not cry when he died because he knew he was going to a better place. There was no way that I could honor that wish and I told him so. He simply said, “I cannot die until you aren’t crying”. I didn’t know the depth of his determination about this.
We had a rough weekend, prior to his death and I had to make decisions I really didn’t want to have to make. But he’d “turned the corner” and it was all on me now. Such a huge burden! So this day was like the day before, no activity. He was sedated and hadn’t moved a muscle for 3 days. I washed his face ( I told him he couldn’t meet the angels with a dirty face!) and tried to keep him as comfortable as I could.
I knew he was going to die and I had to pick songs for his memorial service, so I just turned on his Ipod and let the music play. I watched for any reactions from him and there were none…
Then after I had a shower, his mom, Lola said, “He’s awake”. I took 2 steps to his side and he flung his arms like he was trying to swim to the surface and made sounds like he was afraid and grasping for air. After about 10-15 minutes he calmed down and we breathed a sigh of relief. “Crisis averted”.
I didn’t know what that was all about until just recently. I read a book called “Experiencing Grief” and there was a passage I read from Psalms 18: 16-19. It’s meant for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but it really just deeply affected me and explained what “that episode” was all about.
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; and drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy. From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me“.
THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME NOW. There is no doubt that Scott is with Jesus.
Anyway, the day progressed and I was dreading the evening. Cara, his nurse had already come twice that day and said it would most likely be “tonight”. Lola and I kept a bedside vigil. He was never left alone for 1 second. She’d take a break, and I’d stay, or I’d take a break and she’d stay. Or we both just sat with him. Telling him we loved him, telling him how many people loved him. We kept him cool, as he had a fever, we watched for any signs that he was aware we were there. But there was very little. He’d make some facial expressions, but that was about it.
Then about 5 ish, Lola went outside to take a break and to call Ann. I stayed there, listening to the 315 songs on his Ipod. We were on ELO (one of his favorite groups) and a song called “Just for Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=160Li03Y2Fo started to play.
I just happened to look over at him and his eyes were open and he was clearly focused on me. He tried to say, “hey or Honey”, not sure, but I went to his head and took his hand. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped for the 1st time. I called to Lola, and she came. Then the phone rang, it was Cara. She arrived in about 10 minutes and announced, “yep, it’s time”. And I was crying and just a mess. He started to breathe again before Cara arrived so I didn’t know what to think!~ She said we wait. She said to Scott after he stopped breathing the 2nd time, “Scott, Dude, what are you doing? It’s all okay now.” And of course I was crying and he started to breathe again and his heart beat was stronger and faster, not weaker and slower so we didn’t know what to think. He stopped breathing again, now the 3rd time and his heart stopped again, and we waited… I cried, and we waited. He started breathing again! At this point Lola noticed that his tumor was turning white! The secondary tumors were paper white, and the main tumor which was once SCARLET RED was turning to the same color as his skin! The blood was draining from the tumor – praise God. We really had to watch that and be prepared for it to burst.
I suddenly had to use the bathroom. Cara said, “Go, quick.”. While there, I prayed that God would give me peace. And He did. It felt like warm oil was flowing over me and suddenly I had the strength to get through this. I washed my face and came out of the room. Cara and Lola looked at me and asked if I was alright. I must have looked different or something, I just said, “yep, I’m at peace, we’re good.” I went to Scott’s side and kissed him long on his forehead and said, “Ha, Ha, I’m not crying now”. He took his last breath and his heart stopped for the last time, and went to be with the Lord. Everything remained calm.
Just like Scott would have said in times of drama and excitement – “everyone remain calm”.
And God’s peace and calm was with us through the night.
It started out, “same old, same old”. I knew today would be the day he died, his nurse, Cara had seen this for 11 years and she knew it would be today. I was wrestling with what the actual event would look like. I had never experienced this before. I had no idea what to expect.
Back track – Febuary – When Scott decided to stop the cancer treatments, he asked, begged me to not cry when he died because he knew he was going to a better place. There was no way that I could honor that wish and I told him so. He simply said, “I cannot die until you aren’t crying”. I didn’t know the depth of his determination about this.
We had a rough weekend, prior to his death and I had to make decisions I really didn’t want to have to make. But he’d “turned the corner” and it was all on me now. Such a huge burden! So this day was like the day before, no activity. He was sedated and hadn’t moved a muscle for 3 days. I washed his face ( I told him he couldn’t meet the angels with a dirty face!) and tried to keep him as comfortable as I could.
I knew he was going to die and I had to pick songs for his memorial service, so I just turned on his Ipod and let the music play. I watched for any reactions from him and there were none…
Then after I had a shower, his mom, Lola said, “He’s awake”. I took 2 steps to his side and he flung his arms like he was trying to swim to the surface and made sounds like he was afraid and grasping for air. After about 10-15 minutes he calmed down and we breathed a sigh of relief. “Crisis averted”.
I didn’t know what that was all about until just recently. I read a book called “Experiencing Grief” and there was a passage I read from Psalms 18: 16-19. It’s meant for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but it really just deeply affected me and explained what “that episode” was all about.
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; and drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy. From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me“.
THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME NOW. There is no doubt that Scott is with Jesus.
Anyway, the day progressed and I was dreading the evening. Cara, his nurse had already come twice that day and said it would most likely be “tonight”. Lola and I kept a bedside vigil. He was never left alone for 1 second. She’d take a break, and I’d stay, or I’d take a break and she’d stay. Or we both just sat with him. Telling him we loved him, telling him how many people loved him. We kept him cool, as he had a fever, we watched for any signs that he was aware we were there. But there was very little. He’d make some facial expressions, but that was about it.
Then about 5 ish, Lola went outside to take a break and to call Ann. I stayed there, listening to the 315 songs on his Ipod. We were on ELO (one of his favorite groups) and a song called “Just for Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=160Li03Y2Fo started to play.
I just happened to look over at him and his eyes were open and he was clearly focused on me. He tried to say, “hey or Honey”, not sure, but I went to his head and took his hand. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped for the 1st time. I called to Lola, and she came. Then the phone rang, it was Cara. She arrived in about 10 minutes and announced, “yep, it’s time”. And I was crying and just a mess. He started to breathe again before Cara arrived so I didn’t know what to think!~ She said we wait. She said to Scott after he stopped breathing the 2nd time, “Scott, Dude, what are you doing? It’s all okay now.” And of course I was crying and he started to breathe again and his heart beat was stronger and faster, not weaker and slower so we didn’t know what to think. He stopped breathing again, now the 3rd time and his heart stopped again, and we waited… I cried, and we waited. He started breathing again! At this point Lola noticed that his tumor was turning white! The secondary tumors were paper white, and the main tumor which was once SCARLET RED was turning to the same color as his skin! The blood was draining from the tumor – praise God. We really had to watch that and be prepared for it to burst.
I suddenly had to use the bathroom. Cara said, “Go, quick.”. While there, I prayed that God would give me peace. And He did. It felt like warm oil was flowing over me and suddenly I had the strength to get through this. I washed my face and came out of the room. Cara and Lola looked at me and asked if I was alright. I must have looked different or something, I just said, “yep, I’m at peace, we’re good.” I went to Scott’s side and kissed him long on his forehead and said, “Ha, Ha, I’m not crying now”. He took his last breath and his heart stopped for the last time, and went to be with the Lord. Everything remained calm.
Just like Scott would have said in times of drama and excitement – “everyone remain calm”.
And God’s peace and calm was with us through the night.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Moving on...
I'm very sad today....
I went back to work today and did my very best, but I just kept thinking that I'm moving on, but I'm moving on without my husband and this really, really makes me sad. I hate what I'm doing.... it just seems so meaningless. So stupid... they complain that their colors of their logo don't match. The green is a shade off..... Oh who FREAKING cares. Get over it.
I just can't be a good servant there. Because I really don't care if your colors are off... "do you know my husband just died!!!!" No, I didn't say that but... I wanted to.
I found this song today that just reminded me of Scott... and I miss him so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wddQLJG5LBI
And so I continue to push "rewind- stop - play" and wonder at the seeds that were planted because of what he did and that we just let others come and see our "pain" and our joy.
And as we continued to just leap from moment of faith to moment of faith.... and watched as God performed His great wonders.
And as sad as it is... God does miracles. Not necessarily the ones we wanted, but miracles nonetheless.
Through this, his children witnessed his faith in God, and saw so much that I'm sure they are now thinking about God and all that goes with knowing God. His oldest daughter made contact, okay a little late, but I REALLY want her to be reintroduced to the man he became rather than the man that she remembers.
I only want what God wants and I continue to hear Him speak....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMqJWwO-S8E
I'm resting in "His Holiness"
But I'm still very sad. The tears flow freely tonight.
I went back to work today and did my very best, but I just kept thinking that I'm moving on, but I'm moving on without my husband and this really, really makes me sad. I hate what I'm doing.... it just seems so meaningless. So stupid... they complain that their colors of their logo don't match. The green is a shade off..... Oh who FREAKING cares. Get over it.
I just can't be a good servant there. Because I really don't care if your colors are off... "do you know my husband just died!!!!" No, I didn't say that but... I wanted to.
I found this song today that just reminded me of Scott... and I miss him so much.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wddQLJG5LBI
And so I continue to push "rewind- stop - play" and wonder at the seeds that were planted because of what he did and that we just let others come and see our "pain" and our joy.
And as we continued to just leap from moment of faith to moment of faith.... and watched as God performed His great wonders.
And as sad as it is... God does miracles. Not necessarily the ones we wanted, but miracles nonetheless.
Through this, his children witnessed his faith in God, and saw so much that I'm sure they are now thinking about God and all that goes with knowing God. His oldest daughter made contact, okay a little late, but I REALLY want her to be reintroduced to the man he became rather than the man that she remembers.
I only want what God wants and I continue to hear Him speak....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMqJWwO-S8E
I'm resting in "His Holiness"
But I'm still very sad. The tears flow freely tonight.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I Will Still Love You, Lord.
I had this plan that I would go back to work on June 1st. Silly me… to be making such lofty plans for myself. Well, God had and still has different plans for me. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect this past few days on what God would have me do this week…. I’ve had time to “rewind-stop-play, fast forward-stop-play” over and over about the last 6 months since Scott’s cancer diagnosis and my daughter, Shannon told me, “Mom, don’t worry, your rewind will break”. And I wasn’t really “worried” because I know its all part of the grieving process. I’ve read some things about grief and how you fight it or just go with the roll of the wave. And I’ve found that it’s much easier, in a sense, to just roll with it.
And I decided to just be open to the Lord and whatever His plan was for me. Not only this past week but for my life. And I know that this isn’t going to be the easiest thing for me to do, since I tend to be stubborn in a few areas where “I think I know what’s best”. Well… honestly, it turns out, I know NOTHING!
Everything just keeps coming back to me… from the time He found me and brushed me off and set me on this new path 10 years ago. And I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much clearer.
From even before I knew Him. And I stand in awe and amazement at the wonder of it all.
Fast Forward to current day – and this comes back to Scott’s cancer diagnosis and how much I thought I could “control” the situations around me. But if you knew Scott you knew he likes to take charge of his own life unless it’s God telling him what to do. I had a hard time with Scott taking a very non proactive stance with the hospital personnel or doctors. He never pushed for a sooner appointment, but he did ask the tough questions. The ones a person doesn’t really want to know the answer to. I was extremely frustrated with his attitude and his lack of action regarding his care.
Then a dear, sweet friend, and you know who you are, invited me to her home to “talk”. And proceeded to tell me that I was being a pain in the ass! Of course I tried to argue this, but she was showing me that Scott wasn’t a child, he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions – right or wrong. CRAP!!!
And she taught me to “just be”. Be in the moment, don’t fight the moment. If anyone knows me they know that this was IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. At least in my own power.
And I found out that I really knew nothing about what was coming our way. I’d never heard of Squamous Cell Carcinoma in my life. So I did my diligent duty by researching everything I could find on the subject. But I still didn’t know exactly what would take place. Scott’s tumor was on his neck. It started in his throat and grew outward. And it got HUGE quickly. It was non-operable. But it was also all over the inside of his body. At the rate the visible tumors were growing and appearing the tumors inside his body were growing.
I reviewed the lab reports, and looked at the MRI films. It was overwhelming to me.
Scott just kept saying over and over, “It’s in God’s Hands”. And he really, truly believed it. Which then forced me to take a look at that too…. And you know what, I came to really, truly believe it as well. Not because I liked anything that was happening, but I kept seeing God in things every day. God made Himself VERY visible during this horrible ordeal.
Scott decided to do treatment, even though it was stage 4 and due to his current health status, this was going to be very difficult for him. And I knew, by what I believe was the power of the Holy Spirit, that he wouldn’t be able to finish treatment.
And so it came to be. Scott decided that he didn’t want to die from “complications of cancer treatment”.
Then we watched as the tumor shrank, and we had this hope that God was giving Scott the miracle he prayed for, but it came back with a vengeance and it stole everything from Scott.
As Scott proceeded to get worse and worse he still wanted people to come and sit and visit. Even when he couldn’t stay awake more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time. People were so loving and patient and waited for him to wake up. And this was a blessing for me too, most of the time anyway.
The visits from other people afforded me the luxury of leaving the apartment even for a few minutes to walk the dog, or check the mail. The wonderful people of our church, Terra Nova, did their due diligence too. We had meals brought to us, we had some people come, lay out the food and “sup” with us. What a huge blessing that was for us. We were able to get to know people in ways we never would have. And Scott just kept pointing out that all of this was in God’s own Hands. His statement throughout was, “God’s got this, God’s still got this”. We had people do our laundry - you guys know who you are! Kudos to you!!! We had people bring us mocha's and just "hang out". Turns out they were blessed by blessing us. What a concept!
Throughout this process, there were times of sheer joy and times of sheer frustration.
Sometimes all at the same time.
Scott always kept us laughing. Even down to when he couldn’t even communicate very well. You see, there was the other tumor, the one that wasn’t big at all, that was our “troublemaker”. It rested on Scott’s ceratoid artery and was keeping the blood from getting to his brain and Scott could no longer form thought into word. And again, if you knew Scott you know that he always had much to say. So I know how very trying this was for him. But he still kept me laughing. That was one solid constant with Scott… he always laughed at the stupidest things and could make me laugh right along with him. He knew if he could make me laugh, the danger was over.
Scott fought every “new thing” that had to happen. New meds were suspicious, getting the hospital bed in here for him was a big battle that was fought in our living room with the nurse, his mom, Lola, me and our friend Sharon. He really lost his temper with Sharon and later hugged her and apologized. It was a touching moment – hard but touching. He finally ok’d the bed, but NO WHITE SHEETS – so Lola went and got him black sheets, and a back up Ivory pair. He hated using the oxygen, but did use it more and more. He questioned the pain pump. And I’ll never forget the look on his face (the saddest look I've ever seen in my life) when he needed to have a catheter put in.
After that the care of him became harder and easier at the same time. It was at this point that he was so agitated that he had to be treated for the agitation. Because agitation is like pain.
However - Side effect – sedation.
How I HATED having to make that call. I knew I was taking complete control of everything that was the essence of Scott.
How I cried, yet God held fast to me. In the times that I was frustrated, confused and tormented by the decisions I was making God was there holding on to me, because He knew I couldn’t hold on to Him. He put people before me to help me in the big and the small of its. Lola, my wonderful mother in law who tried to do everything she could to make life as I knew it easier. The laundry cart, the cleaning up and just the awesome support. She backed me up every step of the way.
Cara, Scott’s nurse who is now a member of our family – how God knew it was going to take her with her personality to overcome the challenges Scott presented. And she not only overcame those challenges, but she got Scott to love her... and he SO LOVED her. She was here on her days off too. Just to check him and “be” with us. She supported me in different ways than Lola did. But God put so many people here to support us. Pastors John Reed and Lyle Castellaw, people we didn’t even really know became “fixtures” in our home.
Again, I stand in awe and amazement. Okay, I sometimes sit in awe and amazement. How He used the smallest consequence for His purposes was just a total “wow” to watch.
In the “beginning of the end” Scott knew without a shadow of a doubt how much he was loved. Not only by God, but by all the people whose lives he touched. And there were plenty of them. He never realized that some of the smallest things he did touched people in a way that they would never be the same again. He did that with me so I know it to be true.
So now again, reflecting on everything from the beginning of Scott’s illness I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God is present. He is present in it all. And God has touched me in powerful ways I never saw coming. He was with me in that last hour of Scott’s life when I begged Him to be with me “right here, right now” and His peace just washed over me so that I could stop crying so Scott could go home to be with Him.
You see, Scott hated to see me cry. The day after he decided to stop treatment he asked me not to cry when he died. I told him that his request was unreasonable and unrealistic. But that I would try…. Well…. Helloooo….if I didn’t cry there would have been something terribly amiss.
And I cried that last hour every time he stopped breathing and his heart stopped I cried hysterically. That’s when I begged our God, “Right here, right now” and He gave me the peace that only He could give me and finally I whispered to Scott, “Ha ha, I’m not crying now” and he took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. But God didn’t let His peace stop there… the calmness and peace in our home was felt by everyone here. There was no drama or theatrics. No hysterical crying or moaning. Just peace. And later, much laughter. You can't be in a room with all of my daughters and not laugh.
Cara, Scott’s beloved nurse assured me that I took such great care of him and that I should write a book about how to properly care for a dying hospice patient. Well, I kept thinking about that and the only thing that stands in the way is that people have to know and believe in God. They have to allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in them so that they can love that person unconditionally because without the Power of God a person truly CANNOT love another person unconditionally.
This is a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp. You have to be able to trust and obey a Being you cannot touch and feel. It was hard for me to do, but I really believed that my God is a great big God and I knew that I could trust Him and Him alone to get me through the hardest parts.
So, that being said, I may do some kind of “book” but I’ll let God dictate it. Because, without Him, I am NOTHING. I know NOTHING, and I’m NOTHING.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I will still love You, Lord, I will still love You!
And I decided to just be open to the Lord and whatever His plan was for me. Not only this past week but for my life. And I know that this isn’t going to be the easiest thing for me to do, since I tend to be stubborn in a few areas where “I think I know what’s best”. Well… honestly, it turns out, I know NOTHING!
Everything just keeps coming back to me… from the time He found me and brushed me off and set me on this new path 10 years ago. And I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much clearer.
From even before I knew Him. And I stand in awe and amazement at the wonder of it all.
Fast Forward to current day – and this comes back to Scott’s cancer diagnosis and how much I thought I could “control” the situations around me. But if you knew Scott you knew he likes to take charge of his own life unless it’s God telling him what to do. I had a hard time with Scott taking a very non proactive stance with the hospital personnel or doctors. He never pushed for a sooner appointment, but he did ask the tough questions. The ones a person doesn’t really want to know the answer to. I was extremely frustrated with his attitude and his lack of action regarding his care.
Then a dear, sweet friend, and you know who you are, invited me to her home to “talk”. And proceeded to tell me that I was being a pain in the ass! Of course I tried to argue this, but she was showing me that Scott wasn’t a child, he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions – right or wrong. CRAP!!!
And she taught me to “just be”. Be in the moment, don’t fight the moment. If anyone knows me they know that this was IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. At least in my own power.
And I found out that I really knew nothing about what was coming our way. I’d never heard of Squamous Cell Carcinoma in my life. So I did my diligent duty by researching everything I could find on the subject. But I still didn’t know exactly what would take place. Scott’s tumor was on his neck. It started in his throat and grew outward. And it got HUGE quickly. It was non-operable. But it was also all over the inside of his body. At the rate the visible tumors were growing and appearing the tumors inside his body were growing.
I reviewed the lab reports, and looked at the MRI films. It was overwhelming to me.
Scott just kept saying over and over, “It’s in God’s Hands”. And he really, truly believed it. Which then forced me to take a look at that too…. And you know what, I came to really, truly believe it as well. Not because I liked anything that was happening, but I kept seeing God in things every day. God made Himself VERY visible during this horrible ordeal.
Scott decided to do treatment, even though it was stage 4 and due to his current health status, this was going to be very difficult for him. And I knew, by what I believe was the power of the Holy Spirit, that he wouldn’t be able to finish treatment.
And so it came to be. Scott decided that he didn’t want to die from “complications of cancer treatment”.
Then we watched as the tumor shrank, and we had this hope that God was giving Scott the miracle he prayed for, but it came back with a vengeance and it stole everything from Scott.
As Scott proceeded to get worse and worse he still wanted people to come and sit and visit. Even when he couldn’t stay awake more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time. People were so loving and patient and waited for him to wake up. And this was a blessing for me too, most of the time anyway.
The visits from other people afforded me the luxury of leaving the apartment even for a few minutes to walk the dog, or check the mail. The wonderful people of our church, Terra Nova, did their due diligence too. We had meals brought to us, we had some people come, lay out the food and “sup” with us. What a huge blessing that was for us. We were able to get to know people in ways we never would have. And Scott just kept pointing out that all of this was in God’s own Hands. His statement throughout was, “God’s got this, God’s still got this”. We had people do our laundry - you guys know who you are! Kudos to you!!! We had people bring us mocha's and just "hang out". Turns out they were blessed by blessing us. What a concept!
Throughout this process, there were times of sheer joy and times of sheer frustration.
Sometimes all at the same time.
Scott always kept us laughing. Even down to when he couldn’t even communicate very well. You see, there was the other tumor, the one that wasn’t big at all, that was our “troublemaker”. It rested on Scott’s ceratoid artery and was keeping the blood from getting to his brain and Scott could no longer form thought into word. And again, if you knew Scott you know that he always had much to say. So I know how very trying this was for him. But he still kept me laughing. That was one solid constant with Scott… he always laughed at the stupidest things and could make me laugh right along with him. He knew if he could make me laugh, the danger was over.
Scott fought every “new thing” that had to happen. New meds were suspicious, getting the hospital bed in here for him was a big battle that was fought in our living room with the nurse, his mom, Lola, me and our friend Sharon. He really lost his temper with Sharon and later hugged her and apologized. It was a touching moment – hard but touching. He finally ok’d the bed, but NO WHITE SHEETS – so Lola went and got him black sheets, and a back up Ivory pair. He hated using the oxygen, but did use it more and more. He questioned the pain pump. And I’ll never forget the look on his face (the saddest look I've ever seen in my life) when he needed to have a catheter put in.
After that the care of him became harder and easier at the same time. It was at this point that he was so agitated that he had to be treated for the agitation. Because agitation is like pain.
However - Side effect – sedation.
How I HATED having to make that call. I knew I was taking complete control of everything that was the essence of Scott.
How I cried, yet God held fast to me. In the times that I was frustrated, confused and tormented by the decisions I was making God was there holding on to me, because He knew I couldn’t hold on to Him. He put people before me to help me in the big and the small of its. Lola, my wonderful mother in law who tried to do everything she could to make life as I knew it easier. The laundry cart, the cleaning up and just the awesome support. She backed me up every step of the way.
Cara, Scott’s nurse who is now a member of our family – how God knew it was going to take her with her personality to overcome the challenges Scott presented. And she not only overcame those challenges, but she got Scott to love her... and he SO LOVED her. She was here on her days off too. Just to check him and “be” with us. She supported me in different ways than Lola did. But God put so many people here to support us. Pastors John Reed and Lyle Castellaw, people we didn’t even really know became “fixtures” in our home.
Again, I stand in awe and amazement. Okay, I sometimes sit in awe and amazement. How He used the smallest consequence for His purposes was just a total “wow” to watch.
In the “beginning of the end” Scott knew without a shadow of a doubt how much he was loved. Not only by God, but by all the people whose lives he touched. And there were plenty of them. He never realized that some of the smallest things he did touched people in a way that they would never be the same again. He did that with me so I know it to be true.
So now again, reflecting on everything from the beginning of Scott’s illness I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God is present. He is present in it all. And God has touched me in powerful ways I never saw coming. He was with me in that last hour of Scott’s life when I begged Him to be with me “right here, right now” and His peace just washed over me so that I could stop crying so Scott could go home to be with Him.
You see, Scott hated to see me cry. The day after he decided to stop treatment he asked me not to cry when he died. I told him that his request was unreasonable and unrealistic. But that I would try…. Well…. Helloooo….if I didn’t cry there would have been something terribly amiss.
And I cried that last hour every time he stopped breathing and his heart stopped I cried hysterically. That’s when I begged our God, “Right here, right now” and He gave me the peace that only He could give me and finally I whispered to Scott, “Ha ha, I’m not crying now” and he took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. But God didn’t let His peace stop there… the calmness and peace in our home was felt by everyone here. There was no drama or theatrics. No hysterical crying or moaning. Just peace. And later, much laughter. You can't be in a room with all of my daughters and not laugh.
Cara, Scott’s beloved nurse assured me that I took such great care of him and that I should write a book about how to properly care for a dying hospice patient. Well, I kept thinking about that and the only thing that stands in the way is that people have to know and believe in God. They have to allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in them so that they can love that person unconditionally because without the Power of God a person truly CANNOT love another person unconditionally.
This is a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp. You have to be able to trust and obey a Being you cannot touch and feel. It was hard for me to do, but I really believed that my God is a great big God and I knew that I could trust Him and Him alone to get me through the hardest parts.
So, that being said, I may do some kind of “book” but I’ll let God dictate it. Because, without Him, I am NOTHING. I know NOTHING, and I’m NOTHING.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way!
I will still love You, Lord, I will still love You!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
In Loving Memory...
Today is 2 full weeks since Scott passed away and in loving memory of him I am writing this post.
He became such a wonderful man. Yes, it was still challenging to be in a relationship with him but that kept me grounded. He kept me "real". He expected much from me and I can only hope that I met his expectations. The really screwed up part about his passing is that he finally became the man and husband I knew he could be and that was so short lived. Why does that happen!?
Today I miss him more than I have in the last 2 weeks. I watched him fade away as the cancer slowly/quickly took EVERYTHING from him. First it took his energy, then his appetite, then more energy, then his reasoning abilities, then his control. I had to take control for him and I know that was the hardest thing for him. I had to do things for him that he would refer to as "above and beyond the call of duty". But I did it with so much love in my heart - not only for him but for the God we worship.
This whole process was a huge test of faith. Not only mine, but his as well, but until the end, when he could no longer process his thoughts into words, he kept saying, "God's still got this". And I'm reminded today that this is very true.
Even though I'm terribly sad today, I still love the LORD with all my heart and I feel His presence in my home and in my life. He has new plans for me now. I'm not sure what they are, but I know this to be solidly true. And whatever those plans are I'm sure Scott would say, "Just go for it".
He really believed in living on the edge and do what you think God would have you do and do it with everything you have. Scott did everything, right down to the very end just the way he wanted to. He went on his last trip to Mexico on just God's strength because he really believed that this is what God wanted him to do.
Kristen and I were having a conversation about it the other day and I told her that I just kept reliving all of it over and over in my head and so I know this means that I need to put it all down on paper - that will be the next blog, I think. It might be edited some, but Scott's story needs to be told. Not just of his "colorful" past, but rather from where his "life" really started and how it all came to be for a "time such as this".
So, in honor of Scott today, I will try really hard not to cry (much). And I'll remember all the good times and adventures we had together. And there were plenty!
Scott, I miss you and I will always miss you.
And I will always love you the best.
He became such a wonderful man. Yes, it was still challenging to be in a relationship with him but that kept me grounded. He kept me "real". He expected much from me and I can only hope that I met his expectations. The really screwed up part about his passing is that he finally became the man and husband I knew he could be and that was so short lived. Why does that happen!?
Today I miss him more than I have in the last 2 weeks. I watched him fade away as the cancer slowly/quickly took EVERYTHING from him. First it took his energy, then his appetite, then more energy, then his reasoning abilities, then his control. I had to take control for him and I know that was the hardest thing for him. I had to do things for him that he would refer to as "above and beyond the call of duty". But I did it with so much love in my heart - not only for him but for the God we worship.
This whole process was a huge test of faith. Not only mine, but his as well, but until the end, when he could no longer process his thoughts into words, he kept saying, "God's still got this". And I'm reminded today that this is very true.
Even though I'm terribly sad today, I still love the LORD with all my heart and I feel His presence in my home and in my life. He has new plans for me now. I'm not sure what they are, but I know this to be solidly true. And whatever those plans are I'm sure Scott would say, "Just go for it".
He really believed in living on the edge and do what you think God would have you do and do it with everything you have. Scott did everything, right down to the very end just the way he wanted to. He went on his last trip to Mexico on just God's strength because he really believed that this is what God wanted him to do.
Kristen and I were having a conversation about it the other day and I told her that I just kept reliving all of it over and over in my head and so I know this means that I need to put it all down on paper - that will be the next blog, I think. It might be edited some, but Scott's story needs to be told. Not just of his "colorful" past, but rather from where his "life" really started and how it all came to be for a "time such as this".
So, in honor of Scott today, I will try really hard not to cry (much). And I'll remember all the good times and adventures we had together. And there were plenty!
Scott, I miss you and I will always miss you.
And I will always love you the best.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Nothing is too hard for you
Okay, so just when I think I just can’t do this anymore…. I’m too tired, I’m too emotional, I’m too (_____fill in the blank ____) and I’m crying out to God to “do something” I get this devotional from Greg Laurie, pastor of Harvest.
Jeremiah 32:17 – There is nothing too hard for you.
“Is God's power limited? Scripture tells us over and over that God is omnipotent, which means all-powerful. Even when Job was in pain and distress, he said to the Lord, " 'I know that You can do all things. No plan of Yours can be thwarted' " (Job 42:2 NIV).The prophet Jeremiah proclaimed God's power: " 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You' " (Jeremiah 32:17).
The archangel Gabriel reassured Mary by saying, " 'With God nothing will be impossible' " (Luke 1:37).
Now you see how silly it is when we say something like, "I have tried everything, and now all I can do is pray." Now all you can do is turn to the all-powerful God, the Creator of the universe, who happens to love you a lot. What do you mean, that's all you can do? That's the first thing you should do. Before we do anything else, we should turn our troubles over to God, because nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is beyond His reach. Nothing is beyond His ability.”
So, this is God’s way of saying to me – I see your pain…. But again, when I am weak, He is so strong. This theme has been present throughout my life and even more so these days.
Jeremiah 32:17 – There is nothing too hard for you.
“Is God's power limited? Scripture tells us over and over that God is omnipotent, which means all-powerful. Even when Job was in pain and distress, he said to the Lord, " 'I know that You can do all things. No plan of Yours can be thwarted' " (Job 42:2 NIV).The prophet Jeremiah proclaimed God's power: " 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You' " (Jeremiah 32:17).
The archangel Gabriel reassured Mary by saying, " 'With God nothing will be impossible' " (Luke 1:37).
Now you see how silly it is when we say something like, "I have tried everything, and now all I can do is pray." Now all you can do is turn to the all-powerful God, the Creator of the universe, who happens to love you a lot. What do you mean, that's all you can do? That's the first thing you should do. Before we do anything else, we should turn our troubles over to God, because nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is beyond His reach. Nothing is beyond His ability.”
So, this is God’s way of saying to me – I see your pain…. But again, when I am weak, He is so strong. This theme has been present throughout my life and even more so these days.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Now I get it - maybe...
Before I get into this new "thought" that I'm going to share, I have to say that Scott's had a rough couple of days. He had what the Hospice RN called a "pain crisis". That would be putting it mildly - it was more like a pain storm. He's better today but each time something else happens it diminishes him even further and I am in a constant state of anxious anticipation and apprehension. I never know what the next moment is going bring. I never know if I'm going to sleep through the night. I don't know that I'll ever sleep through the night again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - I'm just "tellin' it like it is".
This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!
So anyway, onto my thoughts....
On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;
"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."
So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!
So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.
Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!
Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??
Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.
So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...
This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!
So anyway, onto my thoughts....
On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;
"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."
So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!
So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.
Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!
Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??
Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.
So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...
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