For years now, my kids have asked me what I want for Christmas. I used to jokingly say, a million dollars, a new house, a new car, a new Harley. They would laugh and say, “No, really, Mom what do you want for Christmas”. And typically I would answer that I had everything I wanted. I have phenomenal daughters and wonderful grandchildren. I really didn’t want anything.
This year, they haven’t asked me… yet. I think they know that all I want for Christmas is something I can't ever have. My husband back, not to have gone through the trauma of helping Scott die, our life together back. Even as crappy as it was sometimes, I miss it so much.
Scott grounded me. He was tough, but that kept me grounded. I felt like I had a purpose and a direction. Now, I feel like a ship without a sail, just kind of going with the motion. I'm not challenged by anything except getting over the trauma.
As the holidays approach, I dread them. I try to keep a happy heart and a kind spirit, but I really don’t see (and never really have) the purpose of hanging lights, buying and decorating a tree, only to take it all down again and put it away. Spending money on presents for people who most likely don’t want that thing you just spent money on anyway. Seems like a waste of time and effort to me. And this year, I REALLY don’t want to do any of it. There is less motivation for me now than ever before.
I find myself, lately, remembering conversations Scott and I had, that I’ve long since forgotten about. Not the most recent conversations but, old ones. I remember a conversation we had when we first met and we were going “on our first adventure” together. He told me to eat oatmeal before we hit the road so I’d stay warm on the Harley. So we ate oatmeal. I laughed then, but now, I know how important that was. (I didn’t stay warm for long though. Driving up the Cajon Pass in November on a Harley in the cold was the coldest I’d been in a long time).
And the one thing that has been running through my memory all day today is when he told me “You complete me”. And I remember the scripture we used for our wedding. Ecclesiastes 4:12 - “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”. But it has been broken. And I’m not sure how I feel about this right now. I feel like I’ve been lied to somehow. We made a covenant with God, and now that’s been broken. I understand the realities of life, but “really”, Lord, “really”???? I feel like God didn't keep His end of the bargain.
This morning I was thinking about Scott more than I normally do on any given day. I thought about all the things we’d done together, the things we’ll never do together and all the things we said we were going to do, and never did because we didn’t make it a priority in our lives. From the smallest of things, getting matching tatoo's and we were supposed to set up the camera and take portraits together of just us. We never did that. We were supposed buy a pop up trailer and drive up north to different camp sites and just be together, and relax, we never did that either. And now we won't ever.
Why is it that we always want what we know we can’t ever have?? Why is it that we never think about **(fill in the blank) ** till someone says we can’t have it?
I don’t think it’s just me, I think this applies to everyone.
And it all started with Adam and Eve in the Garden. I just want to know why she listened to the stupid snake in the garden. Seriously, did snakes talk back then? Was she hypnotized? Or just plain stupid.
Yeah, yeah, I know – she was deceived. But Adam, he wasn’t. Didn’t he trust God enough to know that if he remained faithful, God would have given him something so much better? Why didn't he know this?? And if God knew in advance (which I believe He did/does) why did He do it? Why? This is one of those questions that often keep me up at night. And it won’t be answered until I meet up with Him later.
So… all I want for Christmas I can’t have. I can’t have my husband and life back, I can’t have answers to all my questions, and I can’t be “normal”.
So… why bother??
Friday, December 11, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Ghosts of Christmas Past
My church, TerraNova, is doing a new series called “Ghosts of Christmas Past”. It’s not the same as the movie necessarily, but it is about things that have happened in the past that make the holiday season not such a good thing for some people. And it’s about asking God for forgiveness and healing of those things from our pasts so that the future can be a bright, light place. Where we can walk with Him in the light. One of Scott’s favorite verses was read by our church – Eph. 5:8-14. I didn’t know it was a favorite till I looked at my husband’s bible shortly after he passed away. It was post noted in pink with “especially 13” written in his handwriting. I don’t think our Pastor knew that this was one of Scott’s favorite. It matters not.
Sometimes I’m hit with the emotions of Scott’s death when I least expect it. Yesterday at church was one of those moments. Usually when I first walk in I’m blindsided. I’ve learned to expect this trigger. Scott’s presence is very heavy there. The place was our home away from home. It was our place of refuge during the storms of life. It’s where we practiced choir. It’s where they met to head out for Project Mexico. It’s where our life was. I’m reminded of how much he put into that place. He was very involved in capturing the build-out in photographs, he went and sprayed for bugs so that Laura wouldn’t be afraid to be there. He worked along side Stefanie to clean it up. I don’t even know how many times he swept that warehouse floor. He watched it come from a hollowed out warehouse space and helped to create it into the warm and loving place of worship it has become.
When I look at the lights I remember how he LOVED being a part of that, same thing with the sound system. So now when I walk in, I try not to look at those things. I just focus on my new life and the message being presented. But yesterday, I was blindsided again. In the Children’s Ministry workroom is the “bio” that Scott and I did when we did his Art Showing. Talk about the wind being kicked out of you! But it was OKAY! I’m glad that he’s still remembered.
Anyway, back to the message from church, I’ve pretty much covered most of the issues of my distant past – my totally dysfunctional childhood (yeah, I know – who didn’t have one of those), God has redeemed my children back to me (which I am forever grateful for), I believe strongly that He has forgiven me for those things that I’ve done and that He’s forgiven who people have done awful things to me.
I’ve been a Christ follower for 12 years now, so I have dealt with, been forgiven of and have moved past a lot of things from my past, so I didn’t think the lesson really applied to me, however, I’ve changed that view point. Since the series goes along with a couple of other studies I’m doing, and I have to do spiritual inventory for those studies I decided to think about and pray about the “Regrets” and “Resentments” that I do have buried.
And it comes down to in part to this – I’m not a strong believer in the Christmas season. Not because I don’t believe in Christ, but because I don’t like celebrating the way modern society has come to celebrate His birth. It’s become such a money pit that we all fall into and then regret when we end up paying back so much more. And teaching our young ones the wrong meaning of the season!
We’re too busy focusing on the “holiday” and not the meaning behind it. But then this got me thinking about how it’s easy for me to not celebrate Christmas. I’m just not into holidays. And that’s because I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and so that “holiday spirit” was never engrained into my head. So it’s a little easier for me to make a stand to not get all caught up in the shopping and decorating and cooking and so on and so on. So, no regrets there.
And Scott and I decided about 3 years ago that we weren’t going to get a tree, or buy presents for anyone. It was hard, but it was okay. I like buying stuff for people, that was the hardest part. So we bought a little fake tree that takes 15 minutes to set up and put away. And now that Scott has passed away, I’m going to compromise this a little bit.
I won’t put up our little 15” tree this year, or any other decorations. Mostly because they’re packed in storage, but also, my little space doesn’t allow it. This allows me the freedom to think about getting or making Christ-centered gifts for my children and grand children. I’m not going to spend a lot of money doing it. I WILL STAY IN BUDGET. It may just come down to sharing the story of Christ with them in a unique way. I haven’t decided yet, but this I know, I will celebrate Christ’s birth the best way I can and that is keeping Him in the center of it.
Then this leads me to discuss the “Regrets” and “Resentments” I do have toward other people and myself (and surprisingly, God too) that I’ve just not thought about in a long time. Or am just coming to realize. And though it may be true that I’ve dealt with many, many issues from my past, yet there are still some recent areas in my life where there are “Regrets” and “Resentment’s. And so I’ve prayed that God would show me these areas. And I have questions, questions that I’ve posed to God that I’m currently waiting answers on. One of the answers has already been given.
See, last night as I was sitting outside in the cold pondering the spiritual inventory I have to take, my question was why can’t I just get over the death of my husband? It’s been almost 7 months now and I feel like I should be farther along than I am in the grief process. This is a process I hate right now. I cannot rush it along, I cannot push it, and there is no reward or prize if you finish first. And honestly, I don’t want to “finish first” on this one, but I do want to have some kind of “normal” in my life and I would hate to think that where I am right now is “normal”. And the response I heard was clearly, “Some things just take more time”. And, “This “normal” is only normal for a season”. Then I looked at my ring that I bought about a month ago. It reads, “I know the plans I have for you”. Jeremiah 29:11- 13
Here’s what the full verse says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”.
Oh WOW! This is so reassuring to me.
My faith remains, it weakens and it gets stronger, day after day, but I haven’t completely lost faith. Everyday my faith looks different to me. Some days it’s HUGE and other days it’s truly a mustard seed.
And this is where my “Regrets” and “Resentments” are right now. And I’m sorry that it’s still all about Scott for me, and it might be that way for a long time.
I Regret that Scott isn’t here with me right now and I Resent that God has chosen to take him from me right now.
Scott lived his whole life hard and fast and crammed it all into 53 years. I had no control over that. And I had very little control over anything in our relationship. Yet, I suffer the consequences of Scott’s choices. I have resentment about this. I resent that I’m always reminded of him and that he’s not here and I resent that I’m sad all the time. There! I've said it.
Life just doesn’t seem very fair to me. But life isn’t “fair”. Or just. It just is. “It is what it is” and I’m learning to just “be” in each moment. Take each moment as it comes and not control, analyze it I may or may not remember much of this time right now, but I am learning through it. I am growing through it and I know that this too shall pass.
I’m confident that “normal” will happen for me – In God’s time, not mine. For He has always known the plan for me. I may not like the timing or the plan, but if God's in Control and last I checked He was still on the throne, then I'm OKAY with it.
Sometimes I’m hit with the emotions of Scott’s death when I least expect it. Yesterday at church was one of those moments. Usually when I first walk in I’m blindsided. I’ve learned to expect this trigger. Scott’s presence is very heavy there. The place was our home away from home. It was our place of refuge during the storms of life. It’s where we practiced choir. It’s where they met to head out for Project Mexico. It’s where our life was. I’m reminded of how much he put into that place. He was very involved in capturing the build-out in photographs, he went and sprayed for bugs so that Laura wouldn’t be afraid to be there. He worked along side Stefanie to clean it up. I don’t even know how many times he swept that warehouse floor. He watched it come from a hollowed out warehouse space and helped to create it into the warm and loving place of worship it has become.
When I look at the lights I remember how he LOVED being a part of that, same thing with the sound system. So now when I walk in, I try not to look at those things. I just focus on my new life and the message being presented. But yesterday, I was blindsided again. In the Children’s Ministry workroom is the “bio” that Scott and I did when we did his Art Showing. Talk about the wind being kicked out of you! But it was OKAY! I’m glad that he’s still remembered.
Anyway, back to the message from church, I’ve pretty much covered most of the issues of my distant past – my totally dysfunctional childhood (yeah, I know – who didn’t have one of those), God has redeemed my children back to me (which I am forever grateful for), I believe strongly that He has forgiven me for those things that I’ve done and that He’s forgiven who people have done awful things to me.
I’ve been a Christ follower for 12 years now, so I have dealt with, been forgiven of and have moved past a lot of things from my past, so I didn’t think the lesson really applied to me, however, I’ve changed that view point. Since the series goes along with a couple of other studies I’m doing, and I have to do spiritual inventory for those studies I decided to think about and pray about the “Regrets” and “Resentments” that I do have buried.
And it comes down to in part to this – I’m not a strong believer in the Christmas season. Not because I don’t believe in Christ, but because I don’t like celebrating the way modern society has come to celebrate His birth. It’s become such a money pit that we all fall into and then regret when we end up paying back so much more. And teaching our young ones the wrong meaning of the season!
We’re too busy focusing on the “holiday” and not the meaning behind it. But then this got me thinking about how it’s easy for me to not celebrate Christmas. I’m just not into holidays. And that’s because I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and so that “holiday spirit” was never engrained into my head. So it’s a little easier for me to make a stand to not get all caught up in the shopping and decorating and cooking and so on and so on. So, no regrets there.
And Scott and I decided about 3 years ago that we weren’t going to get a tree, or buy presents for anyone. It was hard, but it was okay. I like buying stuff for people, that was the hardest part. So we bought a little fake tree that takes 15 minutes to set up and put away. And now that Scott has passed away, I’m going to compromise this a little bit.
I won’t put up our little 15” tree this year, or any other decorations. Mostly because they’re packed in storage, but also, my little space doesn’t allow it. This allows me the freedom to think about getting or making Christ-centered gifts for my children and grand children. I’m not going to spend a lot of money doing it. I WILL STAY IN BUDGET. It may just come down to sharing the story of Christ with them in a unique way. I haven’t decided yet, but this I know, I will celebrate Christ’s birth the best way I can and that is keeping Him in the center of it.
Then this leads me to discuss the “Regrets” and “Resentments” I do have toward other people and myself (and surprisingly, God too) that I’ve just not thought about in a long time. Or am just coming to realize. And though it may be true that I’ve dealt with many, many issues from my past, yet there are still some recent areas in my life where there are “Regrets” and “Resentment’s. And so I’ve prayed that God would show me these areas. And I have questions, questions that I’ve posed to God that I’m currently waiting answers on. One of the answers has already been given.
See, last night as I was sitting outside in the cold pondering the spiritual inventory I have to take, my question was why can’t I just get over the death of my husband? It’s been almost 7 months now and I feel like I should be farther along than I am in the grief process. This is a process I hate right now. I cannot rush it along, I cannot push it, and there is no reward or prize if you finish first. And honestly, I don’t want to “finish first” on this one, but I do want to have some kind of “normal” in my life and I would hate to think that where I am right now is “normal”. And the response I heard was clearly, “Some things just take more time”. And, “This “normal” is only normal for a season”. Then I looked at my ring that I bought about a month ago. It reads, “I know the plans I have for you”. Jeremiah 29:11- 13
Here’s what the full verse says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”.
Oh WOW! This is so reassuring to me.
My faith remains, it weakens and it gets stronger, day after day, but I haven’t completely lost faith. Everyday my faith looks different to me. Some days it’s HUGE and other days it’s truly a mustard seed.
And this is where my “Regrets” and “Resentments” are right now. And I’m sorry that it’s still all about Scott for me, and it might be that way for a long time.
I Regret that Scott isn’t here with me right now and I Resent that God has chosen to take him from me right now.
Scott lived his whole life hard and fast and crammed it all into 53 years. I had no control over that. And I had very little control over anything in our relationship. Yet, I suffer the consequences of Scott’s choices. I have resentment about this. I resent that I’m always reminded of him and that he’s not here and I resent that I’m sad all the time. There! I've said it.
Life just doesn’t seem very fair to me. But life isn’t “fair”. Or just. It just is. “It is what it is” and I’m learning to just “be” in each moment. Take each moment as it comes and not control, analyze it I may or may not remember much of this time right now, but I am learning through it. I am growing through it and I know that this too shall pass.
I’m confident that “normal” will happen for me – In God’s time, not mine. For He has always known the plan for me. I may not like the timing or the plan, but if God's in Control and last I checked He was still on the throne, then I'm OKAY with it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Constant Reflection
Well, I’ve been thinking about what to blog about since so much has been happening with me lately and as I was reflecting on all of it I realized that I’ve actually been living life. Maybe not “experiencing” life, but living it. Actually, just surviving it.
This past year to year and half have not been anything I want to remember. Not only did I survive my youngest child beating (so far) Stage 3 Melanoma, which that in and of itself was enough for me, but surviving my husbands struggle and death from cancer as well.
And I realized that just since Scott’s death alone, I’ve survived 7 major holidays, Memorial day, 4th of July, Labor Day weekend, my birthday, our 8th year anniversary of being together, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. And through this, my own health problems, surgery and recovery.
And to top that off, a trip to Project Mexico/Casa de Esperanza in tribute of and it memory of my late husband (I hate saying that because he was never “late” for anything). I only took photographs for him, and tried to see things through his eyes and the eyes of God.
With each holiday, I’ve missed the presence of Scott. His memory is always going to be with me and I’ve learned to embrace that rather than try to forget, because the pain of my loss is so great that I just want to forget it all, but I can’t. He was a “memorable character”. How could I possibly forget the man who taught me so much about how to live life and how to love life?
Simply, I cannot and will not ever forget that man.
So, while during my trip to Casa de Esperanza and Thanksgiving, the last major holiday, I embraced his memory and asked God to open my heart and mind to everything He wanted me to remember. And I found myself reliving how excited Scott was to be a part of Project Mexico and the day we got the diagnosis last year, the day after Thanksgiving.
I wondered what was going through Scott’s mind that day. He was angry with me after he told me about the phone call from the doctor. Well, not really angry with me, just angry period.
I wanted to tell my family and he wanted to keep it a secret. I didn’t understand that but I respected his wish. But he knew that I would need to “talk it out” with someone otherwise I would just implode emotionally, then he picked the perfect people for me to do that with – Sharon and Bobby Genton.
Then as I’m remembering this, I remembered a brief conversation (that I had forgotten all about till then), when he took me aside and held my face in his hands and got really close to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “I really need you to be strong with me through this.” All I could say was “I will”.
And dang it all, I think I was. I really believe that I was strong, not only with him and often times for him till his death and after.
I can only imagine the thoughts that ran through his mind from the day of his diagnosis to his death. He didn’t always share his feelings with anyone, but he did with me, most of the time.
But, not this time.
I knew he was scared. Heck, I was scared. There were moments of utter fear and I remember them well. Those memories haunt me.
But now, I find myself remembering the good times, the touching times, the loving times. I push out the bad memories and cover them with the good ones.
For me, it’s about forgiveness.
I’ve experienced every possible range of emotion from love to a great sense of loss, and from joy to completely huge anger and back again. But now, it’s time to get down to the heart of the matter –and again, that’s forgiveness. It reminds me of the Don Henley song. It really is for me, about forgiveness.
Not just forgiving Scott for being a jerk to me a lot of the time, but forgiving God for allowing Scott to leave this earth (and me and his kids) so soon. Forgiving the doctors who mishandled his health care, forgiving the health care system as we knew it. Forgiving the things of this world that cause cancer to begin with. And forgiving the people who spent so much time with us for leaving me alone now.
The ones who have remained in my life will always remain. The ones who choose not to, then they miss out. And I’m now finally okay with all of that.
And as I face yet more holidays, I will try to remember him and the memories of “us”. And I’ll embrace that and all the conversations we had this past year.
And this Christmas I will hold on tight to all of our memories together.
Even though I will miss him more this Christmas than all previous holidays, I will still hold on.
This past year to year and half have not been anything I want to remember. Not only did I survive my youngest child beating (so far) Stage 3 Melanoma, which that in and of itself was enough for me, but surviving my husbands struggle and death from cancer as well.
And I realized that just since Scott’s death alone, I’ve survived 7 major holidays, Memorial day, 4th of July, Labor Day weekend, my birthday, our 8th year anniversary of being together, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. And through this, my own health problems, surgery and recovery.
And to top that off, a trip to Project Mexico/Casa de Esperanza in tribute of and it memory of my late husband (I hate saying that because he was never “late” for anything). I only took photographs for him, and tried to see things through his eyes and the eyes of God.
With each holiday, I’ve missed the presence of Scott. His memory is always going to be with me and I’ve learned to embrace that rather than try to forget, because the pain of my loss is so great that I just want to forget it all, but I can’t. He was a “memorable character”. How could I possibly forget the man who taught me so much about how to live life and how to love life?
Simply, I cannot and will not ever forget that man.
So, while during my trip to Casa de Esperanza and Thanksgiving, the last major holiday, I embraced his memory and asked God to open my heart and mind to everything He wanted me to remember. And I found myself reliving how excited Scott was to be a part of Project Mexico and the day we got the diagnosis last year, the day after Thanksgiving.
I wondered what was going through Scott’s mind that day. He was angry with me after he told me about the phone call from the doctor. Well, not really angry with me, just angry period.
I wanted to tell my family and he wanted to keep it a secret. I didn’t understand that but I respected his wish. But he knew that I would need to “talk it out” with someone otherwise I would just implode emotionally, then he picked the perfect people for me to do that with – Sharon and Bobby Genton.
Then as I’m remembering this, I remembered a brief conversation (that I had forgotten all about till then), when he took me aside and held my face in his hands and got really close to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “I really need you to be strong with me through this.” All I could say was “I will”.
And dang it all, I think I was. I really believe that I was strong, not only with him and often times for him till his death and after.
I can only imagine the thoughts that ran through his mind from the day of his diagnosis to his death. He didn’t always share his feelings with anyone, but he did with me, most of the time.
But, not this time.
I knew he was scared. Heck, I was scared. There were moments of utter fear and I remember them well. Those memories haunt me.
But now, I find myself remembering the good times, the touching times, the loving times. I push out the bad memories and cover them with the good ones.
For me, it’s about forgiveness.
I’ve experienced every possible range of emotion from love to a great sense of loss, and from joy to completely huge anger and back again. But now, it’s time to get down to the heart of the matter –and again, that’s forgiveness. It reminds me of the Don Henley song. It really is for me, about forgiveness.
Not just forgiving Scott for being a jerk to me a lot of the time, but forgiving God for allowing Scott to leave this earth (and me and his kids) so soon. Forgiving the doctors who mishandled his health care, forgiving the health care system as we knew it. Forgiving the things of this world that cause cancer to begin with. And forgiving the people who spent so much time with us for leaving me alone now.
The ones who have remained in my life will always remain. The ones who choose not to, then they miss out. And I’m now finally okay with all of that.
And as I face yet more holidays, I will try to remember him and the memories of “us”. And I’ll embrace that and all the conversations we had this past year.
And this Christmas I will hold on tight to all of our memories together.
Even though I will miss him more this Christmas than all previous holidays, I will still hold on.
Friday, October 23, 2009
October 23rd - A DAY IN HISTORY
Today I’m feeling a bit melancholy.
Today is a very special day for me. Not only did I go to a meeting to be a part of what Scott loved – helping people less fortunate in Mexico, but also, it was 8 years ago today that I met Scott.
And oh, what a day that was. We met at a restaurant half way in between our places of residence. He lived in Burbank and I lived in Irvine at the time.
We met online and talked on the phone but had never actually had a physical meeting. This would be the first. I had not seen any pictures of him although, he did have pictures of me. So I was going in blind.
He agreed to ride his Harley out so we could possibly go for a ride after we met and ate.
We met at Mariposa Mexican Restaurant in W.Covina. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I circled the parking lot for a place to park and heard the sound of a Harley near by.
Then I saw the Harley – in my rear view mirror!!! He parked and I watched him get himself “undone” from his gear. My first thought, was “Oh, my God”! What have I done.
But I met him anyway and enjoyed his company. We went to the movies and saw “Serendipity”. Great movie. He left, I left and we stayed in contact daily on the phone till he moved in with me 4 months later.
And the rest as they say, is history!
Today is a very special day for me. Not only did I go to a meeting to be a part of what Scott loved – helping people less fortunate in Mexico, but also, it was 8 years ago today that I met Scott.
And oh, what a day that was. We met at a restaurant half way in between our places of residence. He lived in Burbank and I lived in Irvine at the time.
We met online and talked on the phone but had never actually had a physical meeting. This would be the first. I had not seen any pictures of him although, he did have pictures of me. So I was going in blind.
He agreed to ride his Harley out so we could possibly go for a ride after we met and ate.
We met at Mariposa Mexican Restaurant in W.Covina. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I circled the parking lot for a place to park and heard the sound of a Harley near by.
Then I saw the Harley – in my rear view mirror!!! He parked and I watched him get himself “undone” from his gear. My first thought, was “Oh, my God”! What have I done.
But I met him anyway and enjoyed his company. We went to the movies and saw “Serendipity”. Great movie. He left, I left and we stayed in contact daily on the phone till he moved in with me 4 months later.
And the rest as they say, is history!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Let's Recap, shall we??
As I was lying in bed at “W.H.O-A.M” becoming increasingly frustrated with all the health and medical issues I’m dealing with.
I kept coming back to Lyle’s message at Scott’s memorial service. It’s about perspective.
And as I thought about his message I decided to try to put all this in perspective.
Then I got confused with what the true perspective is here.
So, I decided to “recap” my life since Scott’s cancer diagnosis, since that seems to be my timeline now. And here’s what I’ve thought about for 2 plus hours this morning.
Timeline – Nov 28th, 2008 – Scott’s cancer diagnosis
Jan 21st – Scott’s life expectancy dramatically decreased!
And I became his full time care giver.
May 13th, Scott’s death
May 22nd Scott’s Memorial Service
While in the process of grieving, I have dealt with physical pain and emotional agony and had to pack and move which then prompted:
June 13th Urgent Care visit
And an ER visit to Saddleback Memorial the same night.
Since then I’ve had to adjust to a new place and new lifestyle, minus my husband, and I’m still trying to get my animals to adjust.
I am trying to learn to live not only without my husband, but without my step children who I miss almost as much.
I’m not able to just grieve and adjust. I have to support myself and go to work EVERYDAY.
And on top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had
2 CT scans- with and without contrast,
1 at the ER, and 1 at a lab,
been referred “stat” to 3 specialists,
had 6 ultra sounds,
2 urinalysis’,
5 blood draws,
3 rounds of antibiotics,
2 yeast infections, and a horrible colonoscopy experience.
And most recently a diagnostic laparoscopy.
ALL of this with the support of a couple of friends, my children and the prayers of many.
Yet, without my husband.
And still we have no diagnosis. There was a great deal of scar tissue that was removed during the laparoscopy. Yet the pain is still there. And getting worse. Next step – possibly removing my womb for a probable and rare side effect of a procedure I had 3 years ago.
I’ve missed a total of almost a month of work and I’ve only been back 3 months!
And I’ve joined a grief support group. I never in my wildest thoughts considered joining any kind of “support group”. They were always “for sissy’s”!
In less time than it takes to have a baby, I’ve lost my husband, my step children, my apartment, my “life”, my health and my sanity.
I’m adjusting, but it’s going to take a long time
So… if I seem a little depressed or withdrawn, this is why – do you blame me??
Yet through all of this, I know that God is with me, but I’m still human and still have physical limitations and emotional limitations. I’m stuck in a body that just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m a tick “off” center emotionally right now and I’m trying to adjust. I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m easily frustrated. I can’t focus on more than 1 thing at a time and the ability to concentrate on anything is limited. My attention span is that of a 2 year old. And I miss talking to Scott about my “stuff”.
If I happen to take this out on you, please forgive me. And don’t take it personally, “it’s not you, it’s me”.
So, where is my perspective – I have no idea. Anyone want to offer up suggestions?? I’m open to them.
I kept coming back to Lyle’s message at Scott’s memorial service. It’s about perspective.
And as I thought about his message I decided to try to put all this in perspective.
Then I got confused with what the true perspective is here.
So, I decided to “recap” my life since Scott’s cancer diagnosis, since that seems to be my timeline now. And here’s what I’ve thought about for 2 plus hours this morning.
Timeline – Nov 28th, 2008 – Scott’s cancer diagnosis
Jan 21st – Scott’s life expectancy dramatically decreased!
And I became his full time care giver.
May 13th, Scott’s death
May 22nd Scott’s Memorial Service
While in the process of grieving, I have dealt with physical pain and emotional agony and had to pack and move which then prompted:
June 13th Urgent Care visit
And an ER visit to Saddleback Memorial the same night.
Since then I’ve had to adjust to a new place and new lifestyle, minus my husband, and I’m still trying to get my animals to adjust.
I am trying to learn to live not only without my husband, but without my step children who I miss almost as much.
I’m not able to just grieve and adjust. I have to support myself and go to work EVERYDAY.
And on top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had
2 CT scans- with and without contrast,
1 at the ER, and 1 at a lab,
been referred “stat” to 3 specialists,
had 6 ultra sounds,
2 urinalysis’,
5 blood draws,
3 rounds of antibiotics,
2 yeast infections, and a horrible colonoscopy experience.
And most recently a diagnostic laparoscopy.
ALL of this with the support of a couple of friends, my children and the prayers of many.
Yet, without my husband.
And still we have no diagnosis. There was a great deal of scar tissue that was removed during the laparoscopy. Yet the pain is still there. And getting worse. Next step – possibly removing my womb for a probable and rare side effect of a procedure I had 3 years ago.
I’ve missed a total of almost a month of work and I’ve only been back 3 months!
And I’ve joined a grief support group. I never in my wildest thoughts considered joining any kind of “support group”. They were always “for sissy’s”!
In less time than it takes to have a baby, I’ve lost my husband, my step children, my apartment, my “life”, my health and my sanity.
I’m adjusting, but it’s going to take a long time
So… if I seem a little depressed or withdrawn, this is why – do you blame me??
Yet through all of this, I know that God is with me, but I’m still human and still have physical limitations and emotional limitations. I’m stuck in a body that just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m a tick “off” center emotionally right now and I’m trying to adjust. I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m easily frustrated. I can’t focus on more than 1 thing at a time and the ability to concentrate on anything is limited. My attention span is that of a 2 year old. And I miss talking to Scott about my “stuff”.
If I happen to take this out on you, please forgive me. And don’t take it personally, “it’s not you, it’s me”.
So, where is my perspective – I have no idea. Anyone want to offer up suggestions?? I’m open to them.
Friday, October 2, 2009
No Matter Where I Go, There I AM.
Funny, strange, not Funny ha ha, thing about grief it sets into motion all kinds of emotions that I've kept buried for a very long time. It is very difficult to explain to people who've never lost as spouse exactly what this feels like. I go from being exhausted, to empty, to angry, to lost, to happy and joyfull, and back around again, over and over and over. It's like a wagon wheel stuck in the rut. And this is all considered "about right". And it's exhausting - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I was told that the "3 month" mark was going to be hard - very hard. And I couldn't even imagine it being any more difficult already. And ya know what, it wasn't bad, till the middle of the 4th month when things just came screaming down and out of me. Now I hear that I'm really smack dab in the middle of the worst of it. And there's so MUCH!!! that I cannot control, so much that I cannot just put out of my mind. So much I can't find words to explain about. I still hear Scott's voice in my head, and I guess I always will. I still have the nightmares and now add panic attacks. Is there any rest for the grieving soul!?
Okay, so now I'm not as "raging" mad as I was. I'm still pretty "bent", but it's not as overwhelming. I can only give credit to my GOD - YHWH - He has restored some peace to my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart. He spoke very softly to me during my rage, and I took the poster of Scott, with all the loving things people had to say about him written on it, off the wall and now it's behind the dresser so I don't have to be in constand judgement of a dead man.
Here's the song that spoke to me today and has spoken to me before. Because there are days when I don't think or feel that "everything's going to be alright".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r5u5-Wc-vo
If anyone knows me they know that I'm really affected by music. It just ALWAYS touches my heart in the right places. I love music, all kinds of music - (okay, RAP isn't one I'd listen to willingly, but I've listened to it before). And music will always be a big part of my life and when it's not present, I get all funky. This is where I've made a simple, yet critical mistake. I stopped listening to music. Ooops, my bad. So I'm back on the musical track so to speak and I've found that I've missed it so much. Now I understand why King David wrote the music he did.
There's still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done yet - in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart, but, I'm going to move forward. I've been crashing blindly into the future because I've been too concerned with what was behind me.
I'm coming to accept that I cannot change anything that is already done. I can't undo my past mistakes and I cannot live with regret. I can only ask for forgiveness and accept forgiveness.
I can only leave myself open to whatever God has in store for me and try to be as prepared as I can for whatever may come. I can only embrace the pain that comes when my friends and family show their compassion. This is difficult, but yet, it must be done, if I'm going to be the person God wants me to be. The person He created me to be that has been stuffed and trampled on for 50, almost 51 years. I get to reinvent myself and I only want to be reinvented by the grace of God. He is in control, always has been and always will be. Last time I checked, He was still on the throne.
So, here I come, carefully taking baby steps along the way, muddling through, as I allow God to work in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart.
I was told that the "3 month" mark was going to be hard - very hard. And I couldn't even imagine it being any more difficult already. And ya know what, it wasn't bad, till the middle of the 4th month when things just came screaming down and out of me. Now I hear that I'm really smack dab in the middle of the worst of it. And there's so MUCH!!! that I cannot control, so much that I cannot just put out of my mind. So much I can't find words to explain about. I still hear Scott's voice in my head, and I guess I always will. I still have the nightmares and now add panic attacks. Is there any rest for the grieving soul!?
Okay, so now I'm not as "raging" mad as I was. I'm still pretty "bent", but it's not as overwhelming. I can only give credit to my GOD - YHWH - He has restored some peace to my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart. He spoke very softly to me during my rage, and I took the poster of Scott, with all the loving things people had to say about him written on it, off the wall and now it's behind the dresser so I don't have to be in constand judgement of a dead man.
Here's the song that spoke to me today and has spoken to me before. Because there are days when I don't think or feel that "everything's going to be alright".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_r5u5-Wc-vo
If anyone knows me they know that I'm really affected by music. It just ALWAYS touches my heart in the right places. I love music, all kinds of music - (okay, RAP isn't one I'd listen to willingly, but I've listened to it before). And music will always be a big part of my life and when it's not present, I get all funky. This is where I've made a simple, yet critical mistake. I stopped listening to music. Ooops, my bad. So I'm back on the musical track so to speak and I've found that I've missed it so much. Now I understand why King David wrote the music he did.
There's still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done yet - in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart, but, I'm going to move forward. I've been crashing blindly into the future because I've been too concerned with what was behind me.
I'm coming to accept that I cannot change anything that is already done. I can't undo my past mistakes and I cannot live with regret. I can only ask for forgiveness and accept forgiveness.
I can only leave myself open to whatever God has in store for me and try to be as prepared as I can for whatever may come. I can only embrace the pain that comes when my friends and family show their compassion. This is difficult, but yet, it must be done, if I'm going to be the person God wants me to be. The person He created me to be that has been stuffed and trampled on for 50, almost 51 years. I get to reinvent myself and I only want to be reinvented by the grace of God. He is in control, always has been and always will be. Last time I checked, He was still on the throne.
So, here I come, carefully taking baby steps along the way, muddling through, as I allow God to work in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Mad as Heck
Okay, it's been almost a month since I did any of this stuff.
It's been a roller coaster of a month! I started off this "dreaded" 3 month mark pretty good. I really feel like God was bestowing grace and peace on me.
And I still feel God's presence every day, but man oh, man, I am MAD.
MAD AS HECK!
I'm in a raging pissed off mood and most of the time cannot seem to control what comes out of my mouth. If I've already offended anyone please graciously accept my apologies now. I have no excuses, just apologies.
I wish I could say exactly why I'm so angry, but I'm told, generally it's the grief. WHATEVER! I'm tired of blaming everything on the damn grief already!
I'm not mad that Scott isn't here anymore because honestly, most days I'd prefer to be where I think he is. And it's kinda nice that I don't have to check in with him and argue about every little thing. But I'm still freaking mad!
I dont' want to be with him there either, but I need to hear him say he was sorry.
Sorry for being such a butthead for 8 years.
Sorry for doing and saying some of the awful things he did and said to me.
Sorry for being so "great and wonderful" to everyone else, but me.
Sorry for the harsh looks, bitter words and pregnant silences.
Sorry for not having his priorities in line when it came to our marriage.
Sorry that he didn't even acknowledge in words his feelings for me, which only leads me to believe that he didn't have them.
Sorry that he was so inconsiderate of me and my feelings when Lindsay was going through her cancer.
Sorry that he refused to design a tattoo for me, but had no problem designing one for his sister. (No offense to the sister, she had no clue).
Sorry that he complete invalidated anything that was me. And I wasn't even looking to be validated!
Scott was a man who kept it "real". Brutally "REAL". So considering this and knowing that I knew him better than anyone else, my only reality is simple - he loved me as long as I continued to love him the way I did. Completely and unconditionally. I always, always put him first. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT SCOTT!
I just always thought.... I don't even know what I always thought! Maybe that one day he would love me the same way. My bad! now he's dead and doesn't even have the opportunity to say he's sorry! Much less reciprocate any feelings!
Now that I've come face to face with the harsh reality that my husband was more often than not, a jack ass to me, and I'm finally dealing with it, he's not even around to have the chance to make it right with me. I will never hear him say to me, "I'm SORRY"! - I will not hear those words from his mouth, this side of heaven, and it makes me MAD AS HECK!
And this part really, really pisses me off! - I can't even yell at him about it. I can't even sit down and have a "heart to heart" with him about how I feel.
So this now makes me mad at myself for allowing him to devalue me.
For now that time has passed and I really, really need to hear him say to me what he assumed I knew, I don't ever get to hear those words. I will never, ever hear him say to me what he really thought, and felt about me. I can only go with what I know by his actions when he was around. And that's no picnic either!
So, I'm mad. And I'll be mad till God says differently.
MAD AS HECK!
It's been a roller coaster of a month! I started off this "dreaded" 3 month mark pretty good. I really feel like God was bestowing grace and peace on me.
And I still feel God's presence every day, but man oh, man, I am MAD.
MAD AS HECK!
I'm in a raging pissed off mood and most of the time cannot seem to control what comes out of my mouth. If I've already offended anyone please graciously accept my apologies now. I have no excuses, just apologies.
I wish I could say exactly why I'm so angry, but I'm told, generally it's the grief. WHATEVER! I'm tired of blaming everything on the damn grief already!
I'm not mad that Scott isn't here anymore because honestly, most days I'd prefer to be where I think he is. And it's kinda nice that I don't have to check in with him and argue about every little thing. But I'm still freaking mad!
I dont' want to be with him there either, but I need to hear him say he was sorry.
Sorry for being such a butthead for 8 years.
Sorry for doing and saying some of the awful things he did and said to me.
Sorry for being so "great and wonderful" to everyone else, but me.
Sorry for the harsh looks, bitter words and pregnant silences.
Sorry for not having his priorities in line when it came to our marriage.
Sorry that he didn't even acknowledge in words his feelings for me, which only leads me to believe that he didn't have them.
Sorry that he was so inconsiderate of me and my feelings when Lindsay was going through her cancer.
Sorry that he refused to design a tattoo for me, but had no problem designing one for his sister. (No offense to the sister, she had no clue).
Sorry that he complete invalidated anything that was me. And I wasn't even looking to be validated!
Scott was a man who kept it "real". Brutally "REAL". So considering this and knowing that I knew him better than anyone else, my only reality is simple - he loved me as long as I continued to love him the way I did. Completely and unconditionally. I always, always put him first. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT SCOTT!
I just always thought.... I don't even know what I always thought! Maybe that one day he would love me the same way. My bad! now he's dead and doesn't even have the opportunity to say he's sorry! Much less reciprocate any feelings!
Now that I've come face to face with the harsh reality that my husband was more often than not, a jack ass to me, and I'm finally dealing with it, he's not even around to have the chance to make it right with me. I will never hear him say to me, "I'm SORRY"! - I will not hear those words from his mouth, this side of heaven, and it makes me MAD AS HECK!
And this part really, really pisses me off! - I can't even yell at him about it. I can't even sit down and have a "heart to heart" with him about how I feel.
So this now makes me mad at myself for allowing him to devalue me.
For now that time has passed and I really, really need to hear him say to me what he assumed I knew, I don't ever get to hear those words. I will never, ever hear him say to me what he really thought, and felt about me. I can only go with what I know by his actions when he was around. And that's no picnic either!
So, I'm mad. And I'll be mad till God says differently.
MAD AS HECK!
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