Time Heals All Wounds...

...or so the story goes. But nowhere does it say how much "time" that takes.

It's coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my husbands death, and I have trouble wrapping my head around that. 2 YEARS! It seems like yesterday yet, at the same time it seems like another life time.

People say things to indicate to me that they think I should be "moving on" and "getting over it" or "it's been 2 years". Those words mean nothing to me. I've come to understand that everyone's grief is different and take their own time in "getting over it".

There's a bigger part of me that wants to move on, but there's always going to be that little part of me that doesn't.

At first I just thought it was because I witnessed the trauma of his cancer and his death, and I just needed to heal from that, but the thing I struggle with the most is that I'm afraid I will forget. Forget about what our relationship meant to us. It wasn't an easy relationship, but it was ours.

We both had hard times with relationships because of our baggage that we both brought in but, he was, in the end living up to his promises. He was loved by so many, it was astounding to me. No one loved him more than I did. I was his "angel". And I can't forget that.

I saw in him the man I always knew was there, buried under the crap life dealt out to him. And I will never be able to "move on" from our last gaze into each others eyes. A promise kept.

As I head into May I'm burdened with the loss of him. I want that burden to go away, but it doesn't. Although, it's not as bad as it was last year. So I guess there's hope in the progress made so far.

I don't think anyone ever completely gets over it. I think we just get used to living with the grief. The load is lighter these days, but the load is still one I carry.

There are days when I still wish he was here, but then I wouldn't want to keep him here if he were in such enormous pain. Both physically and emotionally.

For me, it's like the music is gone from my life. The colors of the flowers are faded. I'm half of a whole and broken. I know it takes time and I have to make more effort, I just do not have the motivation to do that. I don't like doing things alone.

I JUST REALLY DON'T LIKE IT.

As Scott would say, "It is what it is - so deal with it". But I don't know what that looks like or how I'm supposed to do that.

Life takes it's twists and turns but I still.... wish he was here....

Memories...

I felt I need to put down into words some memories. Of course, it's still about Scott. And yep, I think it will be that way for a long time.

It's been 16 months, today, that he left this earth and my heart still breaks every time I think of any memories we shared, so I thought that if I put them into words it would be easier and better for me. And maybe make it easier for others to understand what we, and he was all about and why I loved him so much.

There was NEVER a time that he didn't interject humor into whatever was going on at the time. He seemed to make life easier and harder all at the same time. He challenged and still challenges me to "make the best" of things. He was very meticulous about things, and I didn't "get it" till he was gone. How he made life simpler because he was so damned efficient. Coffee.... was easy when he was here, and I'm learing to do coffee again, like he did. Easy...

Going back to some of my first memories...

2001 - meeting him at the Mariposa mexican restaurant for the first time... watching him get off his Harley (yes, he had a Harley) and wondering to myself..."what have I gotten myself into now"... and sitting at the table (we had a booth in the bar - of course) and he was just listening to me (yeah I talk alot) and staring at me. I remember his blue, blue eyes and I loved that about him. We went to the movies, saw Serendipity (odd and cool at the same time) and we left.

At this point, I didn't know where this would go. I didn't feel especially attracted to him, but I really liked his wit and sense of humor (not to mention his Harley). We parted ways with a simple kiss on the cheek.

End of story... or so I thought. God had other plans...

He came over for Super Bowl Sunday a few months later and dealt with my ex husband of 20 years who only came to watch the game for free, (quite graciously I might add) and we hung out. Two weeks later Scott moved in.

He didn't talk much or share his feelings much, except when it came to his kids. He loved them so much and had so many regrets about his oldest child, Stephanie.
He talked about her so much. I think he was trying to hold on to that as best as he knew how.

Life went on and I was so enamoured of this person and I was really, really, really happy. We laughed so much, we loved life and we experienced so much in such a short period of time.

We got our own place (we were sharing space with my 2nd daughter and it was time to move on) and we loved our life.

We didn't have a lot, but what we had was HUGE!

We only had the Harley for about a month and we learned to grocery shop efficiently. Then when we were in Ralphs one night getting a few things, it rained. It was POURING RAIN!! We just looked at each other. It was all about the adventure with him.

So we ran out to the bike, the bike was wet, and we had to run and pack the few things we bought in the saddle bags, laughing the whole time, and rode the bike a few miles home. By the time we got home we were soaked and we just looked at each other and said, almost simultaneously, "We gotta get some real wheels". And we laughed out asses off... A few days later we bought the truck. The one I still drive. A black Toyota Tacoma 4WD.

But life happens and stuff happened. Stuff I never thought would happen.

We split up. For about 3 months.

We came back together for financial reasons more than anything. And to get him off Bree's couch.

Things were pretty good. He left Harley Davidson and was working at a restaurant on Ortega Hwy. Then he went back to work at U-haul. He'd worked there before when he lived in Ohio. And it seemed he loved it.

But, our relationship was DEAD... I don't know exactly why, but I had my suspicions. He did his thing, I did my thing and we never talked about what was happening. We slept in the same bedroom, but in different beds.

I had many moments of sheer aggravation, confusion, frustration, anger with him but I also had many many moments of utter joy because of him.

He always put a spin on things. There was always an agenda. And that what no matter what, he would find the humor in any and every thing. And he showed me so much about life, about myself and our relationship that I can never let go of.

I remember so much of him. His walk, his laugh (the real one, not the fake one) The times he'd tried to convince me or someone else of something that was TOTALLY not true and the look on his face when he did that. I learned to watch for that.

The time we drove to Monterey to see his Grandma for the last time and he tried to tell me that Paso Robles was the spanish name for "road to the Hearst castle". He was quite convincing.

On the way home, while I was driving about 100 mph on the 101 freeway, and he opened the passenger door because he had to pee... yes, he was on major drugs at the time. I told him to pee on the pavement and he said "No, that's not okay", so he pee'd in a urinal that he had from his hospital stay, then dumped it out. ON THE PAVEMENT! WTF!!! LOL

I recently watched a video of him taken by a friend, Michael Butterfield, when they were leaving Mexico about coffee and coffee beans and how they came to be and I saw that look on his face again and I wanted to cry. No, I take that back, I did cry.

Because.... he was for flipping funny!

During his struggle with the cancer that was really eating him alive, he made so many comments about the drugs... how for the first time in his life he could get totally wasted, load and "FUBARED" and it was legal!! Or about how he couldn't do this or that. And how much simpler life was since he didn't do so much stuff. But at the same time he hated that he couldn't do what he was used to doing. Serving people, cooking for people. He loved to cook for family and friends and usually went all out. "Balls to the wall" he'd say.

He loved deeply. Sometimes too deeply. Even though he knew that he could and most likely would be hurt, he loved anyway. And he loved me... anyway... despite our baggage, he loved me anyway.

This one is for you, babe...

Here's the Bottom Line....

Even though I'm relatively happy... and yes, I am really happy most days. I love my job, I love my friends, I love my new place (it's coming along). God is really giving me the desires of my heart right now and that is that I have some peace of mind and spirit.

Yet, I'm still very lonely. And I think that is what drives people to do the things they do. There are things I think about doing ( and thank God I have some discernment now) that would make many people wonder where my brain is.
But I get it. And this gives me compassion for those like me, who are terribly, terribly lonely.

Loneliness is a heavy, heavy burden. It's an evil thing, really. God didn't make us to be alone. Which is why we do what we do in moments of desperate need.

And I'm not sure how to fix it. The only thing I know is to stay connected to the One who really matters. To just "be" with my God, Yahweh...the God of eternity.

I could just be fleshly and earthly, and go out and socialize, I suppose, but the bottom line is still Scott's not here. And honestly, I don't know how I should act. I try to just "be" in the moment, but often times, that's not cutting it. Right now, without Scott, I feel like I am only half of someone, or something. I don't belong, I don't fit in. I wander around watching others to see how it is I'm supposed to be. At work, at the grocery store, at church...everyone has SOMEONE. I don't.

Bottom line...I miss my husband, the one I made a covanent with and the one I will love forever. Despite all of his quirks and flaws, I will love him forever. Even though I know he didn't love me the same, I will love him FOREVER, and that's a LONG time.

I'm lonely because I'm here and he's not. We still have this "connection" for lack of a better word, but I'm still here, alone, without him. And the reality is, that's NOT going to change. Hard core, that's what the bottom line is... I AM ALONE.

This experience and this part of my life's story, or my "journey" has been a huge life changing experience.

Things shifted for me when Scott died.

The tragedy of watching him waste away, is something that will live in my heart forever. And things will continue to shift and move as needed.

I find that I'm no longer afraid. Isaiah 43:1 Fear not....
I refuse to live my life in fear. Scott taught me that. Life taught me that. God continues to show me that.

Scott was who he was, and he touched so many people in so many ways and I'm sure now he knows how many lives he touched. I just wish he would have known that before he died. And I know that he would want everyone to let others know how much they mean to them, regardless of what's going on right now... tell the person you love that you really do love them! TELL THEM! SHOW THEM! SUPPORT THEM!!! Living here on this planet is temporary. LOVE THEM!!! And if you don't really love them, then let them GO!


I heard this song today and it struck me deep in my heart.
This was a group that Scott listened to and loved their stuff, and I didn't get it. But I do now.
Scott lived fast, but he lived deep. Deeper than I knew. He changed me and his death changed me... forever.
I'm still very sad, but I'm okay with that now. I miss him, and I'm okay with that. I'm lonely and I'm learning to be okay with that too. I want to encourage anyone who is dealing with grief and the loss and tragedy of a life cut short, that it will be OKAY! I didn't feel that a year ago. And often I question that I will be okay... but the bottom line is simply that life does move on and you move on with it.

Scott, I love you, babe, and I miss you and I'll love you all the rest of my days. But I have to let God heal me of this wound that losing you has left. And I know that you know what I feel and you understand that at some point, I will let you go, not completely, but I will let you go....



So I'm going to let Him do that. And I'm positive that this is what you would want me to do.


Growth happens in the change. I'm changing and I'm growing.
I HAVE TO WALK BY FAITH. BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY APPEAR....





And I have to let the faith that got me through some of my most difficult times get me through the rest of my life. And I am excited and looking forward to seeing Scott and my mom, and my dad and all those who have gone before me, again...There will be a day...

I Think I Might Like It.....

Well, it's been about 3 weeks that I've been in my own place. Completely and utterly alone, but I think I might like it a bit.

I can come and go when I want without discussion about where I'm going, with whom, how long I'll be gone, when I'll be home.... It's nice, but... at the same time I miss that someone cares enough to want to know.

I dunno if that makes sense.

Scott has still be very present but kind of in the shadows lately. Someone said to me the other day that once you're dead, you're not able to communicate with the living. I tend to disagree.
I'm not saying that they actually "speak" to the living but the dead have ways to communicate. I never thought I'd be one to say this, but here I am saying it.

I have had this very strong "impression" that Scott wants me to look forward, not backward. That he wants me to move forward. In a way he's releasing me.

I don't want to be released but it's happening.

I'm quite content with my life the way it is right now. No drama, no fretting, no heavy weight upon me. God is actually giving me a break from the heartache I've felt for almost 2 years.
I keep trying to find a song that fits what I feel right now but I don't have one.

The only song that comes to mind is this one...






This is it... this is where I am right now. And ya know what???? It's OK!

And the Story continues...

As I continue to struggle with the grief of losing my husband, and the lonliness that has occurred in my life, I find myself wondering how I managed to get through his dying process, which let me tell you, was much more of a difficult process than the grief.

The grief is hard, but the feeling of impending doom while he was slowly disintegrating before my very eyes, was SO INTENSE compared to the intense pain of not having him here. So I kept going back to “what did I do differently then than I’m doing now”. Then it hit me… I held on to God very tightly then. But since then there has been this “release” (on my part, surely). And therein lies the problem! My faith or my trust in Him hasn’t changed, I’ve just not been communicating with Him as much and I haven’t stayed connect!

Then today, I came across this:

“The apostle Paul encouraged us: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6). The outcome is that once we have prayed, we ought not to worry. Mary C. Crowley put it this way: "Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." Turning our problems over to God once we have done all we can do (with His help and guidance) is the essence of faith. It is a quiet trust that accepts the outcome, trusting that the decision is God's on our behalf and for our best interests.
Once we believe and understand that there is a Creator and that He loves the world (John 3:16), we can relieve our minds of the strain of anxiety and helplessness that often leads toward depression. It is amazing how resourceful we can be when we are not hampered by worries. So let your requests be made know to God!”

And God, using modern technology for His glory, once again is reminding me to “stay connected” through prayer and meditation!

Yes, it is difficult to do this when I’m in the throes of grief and anguish with missing my husband. I keep reminding myself that Scott is with God now and that helps me feel better, but Scott still isn’t here… with me physically. And yes, I miss that! A LOT!!!

So for anyone who happens to read this or stumble upon this… keep me in your prayers!

Out of Sorts... sort of.

Well... here I am again feeling things I've never felt before... wondering to myself "what the heck"?!

Okay, so here's what's happening... I've felt a very strong "continuing connection" to my dead husband. I said in my grief group that I feel like I am still in a relationship with him. Okay, it's not the same earthly relationship, but it's different and it's really deep. Since we were so much more connected that I thought we were - a fact I've had to own, face and accept - what I feel now is more of a spiritual relationship. (No... I am not talking to my dead husbands picture, or imagining a conversation we would be having... nothing like that).

We were talking about protons and continuing bonds in our grief group a couple of weeks ago and it's really interesting to know that there is a scientific experiment that proves that when proton's become "connected" or entangled then split and separated, what happens to 1 half of the proton the other half feels and experiences as well, regardless of where the 2 proton's are. And we as humans are full of protons, so bottom line is simple; Scott is feeling my pain. Not that he's feeling the pain of my pain, but he's aware of my pain. Then I thought of the book, The Shack, and remembered the waterfall part of the story. I felt like someone just threw ice water on me.

At first I was like, "no way", but the more I remember what a HUGE GOD I have, it's possible, right?! So.....

Now, I've come back to having the dreams again. For the first few weeks after he died, I had this dream over and over, of him in different situations wearing his blue Project Mexico shirt (the one he died in and was cremated in) and his adult diaper telling me to "help him figure this out".
Then they went away and I had a really good dream where he and I actually sat down someplace - I don't know where it was, it was familiar though... and we had this long talk about him and I and "figuring this thing out" and I didn't have another dream again. So I assumed that it was done. I helped him "figure this thing out" and he was okay. Well, the dreams have come back and he's angry with me for not helping him "figure this thing out". He's still in his blue PM shirt and diaper and he's reaching out to me, pleading with me to help him "figure this thing out".

Okay, well, I know that he's trying to communicate with me. I don't know how I know it, but I know it.

Now the newest thing, for the last week or two, I am waking up with him singing to me... first it was the Beatles - Rocky Racoon, then it was Don't Pass Me By, and then it was just Paul McCartney "Baby I'm Amazed". I get that this could be just because Doah mentioned it on FB a week or so ago and it reminded me that Scott always said that song was from him to me. But this morning it was "I am a friend of God. The song we sang in our choir, S.H.O.U.T.

And so... here's the thing... Stress makes you think and do things differently.

I've been pretty stressed out (and having panic attacks) from living on my daughter's sofa and saving money to get my own place and it actually coming to be, and all the "what if's" that all of that brings. And yes, I can "what if" something to death. And Scott knew that and KNOWS that. I'm freaking out about not having any money (cuz I have no money now, and I mean, NO MONEY and NO FOOD) and food, and gas, and what if something happens and I can't fix it, and so on and then more about living completely alone and all the "what if's" that go with that, and what if I don't make it and what if something happens to me and I'm still alone, and I hate being alone, and I'm just ALONE!!!

And now he's singing to me as I wake up. And here's the really trippy part. When he was in the process of dying from this bastard of a disease, almost every morning, God would put a song on my heart as I was waking up and that was my song for the day. I never told Scott about it. I just thought it was me... I didn't think he'd "get it". Because he was really critical of me and anything that was "new". Now he's doing it!

And after talking to Stefanie on Sunday, it makes sense. Scott is communicating and trying to comfort me and let me know that I'm not really "alone". He's still with me. There was/is such comfort in her words. And it made me cry, and she said I couldn't cry or else she'd cry then her daughter wouldn't let her visit the nursery anymore (SMILE) And I feel like I'm not really losing my mind, I'm really experiencing this. I'm NOT going crazy.
I am still having a relationship with Scott, only now it's different and now it's better, not better, but different better. I'm still VERY sad, which really surprises me since I really thought I'd be "over it" in a few months.

And now my hope is that I can really help him "figure this thing out". Or maybe, he's trying to help me "figure this thing out".

After all this time...

It's been some time since I wrote anything or posted anything as I've been kind of busy and preoccupied. A lot has changed. And is changing.

Mother's Day weekend I went up to Pacific Grove to have Scott's ashes spread along with his grandmother's, Iola's. Iola passed away 5 years ago. The whole thing was hard but good. It was good to see Lola and Ann again, and it was good to get out of town for the weekend and it was good to put Scott's remains to rest. So many things happened, so many emotions... It was kind of funny and then turned very sad, but the part that helps me is that I KNOW that he's in heaven (and that's really good) regardless of his situations here on Earth. I put his ashes in what I would refer to as "his special place" close to the edge and in with the flowers. I kept some back to share with other's to have their final time with him. See this blog for more on that... Sharon couldn't have put it better....

http://itdoesnotgetgreener.blogspot.com/2010/05/scott-pt-2.html

But, I will return next year to just "be" with him there in Pacific Grove.
Some may think that this is really stupid, but.... it's not. Only those who have lost a spouse can know what I mean.

Our relationship was hard, we had many HUGE issues, and I'm a different person because of it, but I know he loved me the best he knew how. And that's fine with me, because I know that I loved him the best I knew how too.
He taught me so much... they were often times hard lessons to learn, but I learned so much. And I know I taught him so much too.

I miss him. And I know for many that's hard to believe, but it's true. He kept me SO grounded.

As of right now, my moods change from day to day and often I wonder what the heck??? It's now past 1 year since Scott passed away (yeah, it still makes me cry when I use that term). I find myself getting choked up at random things... a smell, a memory, a song, a restaurant, driving in the truck and having memories of our trips that we made together. Now, moving (again!) and taking a part of him with me and leaving a part of him behind.

This is a time of healing for me.

As Shannon pointed out, it's a time of healing from age 14 for me. And she's spot on. This is now "my" time... I hate that this sounds so "self serving" but it is what is is and I need to "put the oxygen mask on me first before I can help anyone else". I don't know what God has in store for me now.... I just know in my heart that He's still filtering for me and watching over me and putting people in my life to help me and for me to help. Somehow, someway... that I don't know now how and why or what, but it's happening.

And then sometimes, it's everything I can do to get throught the day and wonder why I'm here and going through all of this.



I miss my life with him... I miss his wit and his humor and his smile, his beautiful blue eyes... his touch... him next to me in bed. But, I am learning to live my life without him in it. It's hard. Most days, it's okay, but then others, well... not so much. Today was hard because I'm moving again. Phase 1 of the big move... I'm moving in with Shannon so I can save money to get my own place so that I can heal. It will be the first time EVER that I've lived alone. It's exciting and scary at the same time!

So there you have it... "Bob's your uncle" as Scott would say... Yeah, I'm channeling him a lot these days.

This one's for Scott....


I loved you the best!!!