Saturday, July 12, 2008

July's Blog

This week we had a Bible study. It was more a Bible discussion really, but it got us all thinking. The topic of discussion was (and is still) “Why Do I Believe in God”?

This got me thinking. I mean REALLY thinking. I tried to sum it up (in my own head) as just one reason why I believed in God, but I couldn’t do it. My belief is multifaceted.
And that’s OK!!!

And it was interesting to me that everyone in our group felt the same way. This made it even more OK!!???

The first facet of my belief is creation. This was the same as Debbie’s view, God’s beautiful earth, and all the creatures in and around it. I look at the trees (I LOVE TREES) and flowers and how they grow and it just amazes me. Then I see all the people. All the personalities and differences in each and every one of them and again, I’m amazed!

I cannot write this off as a “random act” of nature.

The earth and all the people are part of God’s plan. It’s all part of God’s desire. And finally and most importantly to me is that it’s personal. God found me in a really bad place; I was a horrible person, a horrible parent, a horrible friend, and just a worthless waste of human life and oxygen. And He turned my life completely around. He did things in my mind and in my heart that I never thought could be done. He got rid of a lot of the old falsehoods I had about Him and life.

It was a very difficult process but He brought me through it (and still is) and even though I walked away from Him for a time, I could sense Him calling me back. Not demanding me to come home, but calmly, quietly, gently leading me back into His presence. Why He would even want me there is still beyond me. But He does and He reminds me everyday how important I am to Him. He loves me like I was, like I am and like I will be.

Then the question was thrown out there – how do you answer that question to someone who doesn’t believe in God?? WOW! I have always had this attitude “to each his own”. But if the unbeliever asked me, “Why do you believe in God”, what the heck would I say.

Then it dawned on me that my words don’t matter. My life does. How I treat others, my attitude, my testimony of where I was when God found me and where He’s taken me. And where I am now, and where He will take me in the future

It’s more a Holy Spirit thing, I think. I would hope that God would continue to use me as the vessel and put the words in my mouth that this person would most need to hear. I have been used like this before and I love how God works through me even though I have NO CLUE that this is happening. And I’m sure he continues to use me in ways, to this day and moment in time, and I am CLUELESS of it right now.

With everything going on in my life, with my daughter’s cancer – and there was more bad news yesterday, a new grand baby (this is the joy in the troubled time), the tension that life’s difficulties cause in my marriage I’ve had to really search my soul on this question.

I have to ask Him everyday – “why?” Why should He allow my child not to be sick?
I never get an answer to the Why part. I get the feeling that “the why part” is none of my business. My business is only to “do”. And I’m mostly at a loss as to what that is exactly.

I ask Him to spare my child, and feel so selfish doing that. Why should He spare my child of cancer when so many other people are dying from cancer?

The news from the oncologist yesterday was not good. Her chance of survival as it is right now, without treatment is 60%. With the immunotherapy, Interferon, it will go to 70% - maybe. They just aren’t sure. The type of cancer she has is still so new that there’s not enough data and studies to know for sure if she will get that 10% extra. And her case is unusual – based on the size and depth of the mole removed there should not have been any lymph node involvement, but there was. So they just don’t know.
He explained what the therapy would do to her body and her mind and she’s opting out.
It’s her choice. She will be watched carefully for any indicators of more cancer cells. She will be fatigued, and she will be sick. It’s just what it does at this stage.

And through all of this I still believe in God. Does my belief change – no. Is it tested – yes. My faith diminishes but never completely goes away. I am reminded that He is in control . And sometimes that’s really hard when you think the One in control isn’t doing it right! I’m frustrated and overwhelmed and just feel lost as to what to do or say.

Even when I question His judgment and my own, I still know in my heart that He knows right where I am and what is going to happen and whether or not I can handle it. And He knows right where you are and whether or not you can handle what you’re going through.

Have faith, fake it till you make it. It will come, it will get stronger, but you have to allow it to do so. Flowers don’t grow amongst the rocks. Allow your heart and mind to be a fertile place for faith to grow.