Okay! Okay! I'm blogging already! That was for you S.G. -
Well it's been a roller coaster of a couple of weeks now. My youngest child was diagnosed with Malignant Melanoma and had to have a couple of very painful tests before she had surgery. Surgery was on Friday the 2nd. I took the time off from work to be there and support her recovery. It was tough. She had a reaction to the anesthesia and was extremely nauseaous. That was difficult to battle along with the pain from the 2 incisions. One to remove the cancer from her back and the other to remove 2 lymphnodes in her right arm pit. It was originally only going to be 1 node, then the surgeon comes out and tells me he took 2. Somehow I can't think this is a good thing. Maybe it is, maybe it's just my active imagination.
I see her emotionally shutting down. It's her defense mechanism. It's her way of "dealing" with it. I don't like seeing this in her. She's crying at random times and it breaks my heart to know that she's in so much pain. Physically and emotionally. I am concerned about her spirituality and her ability to process everything that's happening to her right now.
I keep lifting all of this up to God. Since He warned me to "Be prepared" the night before during my prayer time. Ha, and I thought there would be a "natural disaster" that I needed to be prepared for. I thought I needed to be prepared for some kind of accident. Not this. Please Lord, not this!
Yes, I keep taking it back, but I quickly try to turn it back over to Him. His Will be done. I may not like it much, and I may not like the final outcome much, but one thing I know for sure.... He is in control. I have and will continue to, plead with Him to spare the life of my child. To keep her in His grip. To put a hedge around her and help her deal with this emotionally. To show her all of His Glory. I want so bad for her to have a true relationship with Him. But I have to let her do this on her own. I keep trying to just point the way back to Him. And pray. It's all I can do.
I keep wondering how I can possibly be "prepared" for something like this. I never thought that I would have to be prepared for this. It never occurred to me that I could "lose a child". And what about her sisters?? How will they deal with this horrible thing thats happened to their baby sister?? One thing I do know - we will all never be the same again.
How does a mother of a grown child respond and react to this horrible thing?
I'm doing what comes to me. I'm being the strong one, the supporter, the care taker. This is what I do. It's my nature to be this way. It's one of my gifts.
I know that there are some people who believe that once a child has grown and left home that they're left to their own devices. I'm not like that. Nor can I understand anyone who thinks this way. I respect it, but I don't understand it. As I'm sure there are people who don't understand what and why I do what I do for my grown children.
I can't and will not let her "figure it out" when it comes to something that's life or death. If she drove drunk and got busted and had to go to jail, then I'd let her figure it all out, but this isn't something I want to "let her figure out" on her own. She doesn't understand all the medical terminologies and how serious this could get. As if it isn't already.
All the sisters have come to see her after surgery to check on her and have offered support for me too. And I realized again that that's what WE are all about. We've all been through too much to not support each other. It's what WE do. We have struggled with many different issues and now we are "there" for each other. And always will be. Regardless of where we are and what we do.
I cherish what God has redeemed back to me. My children and my relationships with them.
I will not just back away and not be in their lives and support whatever decisions they make or whatever illnesses they have to face. Whether or not anyone agrees with what I'm doing matters very little to me now. I will not turn my back on the wonderful gift God has given back to me. How could I possibly do that!?
I have requested prayer and all the people that are praying means so much to me that the words "thank you" are not enough. The gratitude I feel for this gesture is so great that I can't put a word that really expresses what I feel to it.
So for anyone of you people out there that read this and have been praying - thank you. And know that these words are too small to fully express my gratitude.
I've had alot of moments where I don't have words for what I feel lately. The words just don't come to me to accurately express what I'm feeling. I just keep doing the only thing I know to do and that's pray. Maybe that's why I don't have words. God wants me only to speak to Him right now. And let Him get me through this. I feel His presence more so now than I ever have in my life. He keeps cheering me up with my favorite bird songs that He fills the air with. With just a little voice in my heart that says, "I've got this one". "I'm here". The peace that comes over me at times when there should be little or no peace I know is of Him. He gives us peace that surpasses understand. AMEN! Can I get a witness?!!!