Thursday, February 11, 2010

The Double Whammy

Well, here it comes. The first anniversary of two important dates for me.

The nine month anniversary of Scott's death, and our special holiday - Valentine's Day.

I've been reflecting on it so much that I'm driven to distraction!

The thirteenth of every month I mourn and grieve my husband. I reminisce on our life together, about his illness, and his traumatic death.

Valentine's Day was ALWAYS celebrated by us. Even when we were in the midst of a huge fight, we'd stop arguing and just love each other. We'd get goofy cards to exchange. One year he hid them around the house for me to find. For days and weeks after I would find them in what he would call "stragically placed locations".

The last Valentine's Day, while he was still aware of what was going on, and as sick as he was, he ordered a book about God's Grace and a Women of Faith journal as his Valentine's Day gift to me, with wonderful inscriptions of love on the packing list.

I was touched to the deepest part of my soul. I think because part of me knew that this was the last time we would celebrate our special holiday.

But because I was so busy taking care of him, I didn't get him anything. I didn't even remember it was Valentine's Day.

But, later on that day, he wanted a shower but was too weak to even sit in the shower chair. So I filled up a big bucket of warm water, closed off the bathroom and heated up the small area so he wouldn't get cold, and bathed him by hand.
Every inch of his body was lovingly caressed and washed, rinsed and dried.

He looked me in the eyes, held my face in his hands, and spoke these words to me, "Honey, this goes far above and beyond the call of duty". My response was, "Happy Valentine's Day, and this is what the covenant we made with each other and God is all about". We both cried silent tears. It brings me to tears just writing about it.

Damn! I miss that man!

So, here I go... facing my first Valentine's Day alone. Utterly alone.

This is another one of those "learning" things, I know. I will be alone often and there is nothing I can do about it. As Scott would have said, "It is what it is".

I'm prompted to remember the scripture engraved inside our wedding rings, Ecc. 4:12, "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

But, here's the thing, it's not a strand of 3 cords anymore and this makes me very sad, confused and disappointed. Even though I know God is with me always, I don't have my soul mate. My other half. My butter for my bread. The ying to my yang. The one that found humor in everything and made me see it. Oh, and how he made me laugh. I haven't laughed like that since he died. No one else "gets me" like he did.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to be "normal" anymore. I don't like the "new normal" I've found so far. It's boring,dull and lifeless. I feel isolated and abandoned. I feel anxious.

I feel like I'm wandering in a forest of huge trees going around and around in circles to find my husband. It begins to rain and it's getting cold and I can't find him. I feel panic. And I realize I will never find him and here I am wandering around in the forest, in the cold, and it's frightening and depressing.

Yet, I plod onward. I keep trying to find the wonderfully good things in life. One good thing - Sean is coming to see me. We'll have dinner together and talk about Scott and remember him. I've missed Sean. And Sascha. Mostly because they are my connection to Scott and because the are wonderful, wonderful human beings.

I'm looking forward to being with my "chickies" for our 3rd annual Post Valentine's Day Get together.

And that's it... that's all I've got. I'll gladly take it, but there is something missing and it's always going to be missing. And that just makes me sad.