Saturday, March 21, 2009


I wrote in my last blog that when I am at my weakest moment God is strong. And I’ve had to really focus on that exclusively over the last few months. I’ve had to focus on that I know what I know. And what I know is that God knows exactly where I am, what’s going on in my mind and my heart. He knows how I feel and continues to give me such great comfort and peace.

I’ve asked him to be with me, and he said to me, very clearly – I AM.

WOW! Here’s the God part - a friend sent me this song and I broke down and cried. Just that God would use people around me to relay His messages when I doubt I heard Him.

He continues to put a song on my heart most mornings, and puts people before me to let me know that He is here. He knows my needs. I have not to want or need for anything. God is making sure that any “need” we have is being met. God is so GREAT! And so powerfully strong!!!

Oh Lord, please forgive me for doubting that I hear you.

I’ve come to realize that those times when I think I’m strong all by myself I’m really not doing that in my own power. It’s God’s Power only. And I feel like Peter – you know that time when Peter saw Jesus on the water – walking on the water and He called to Peter and Peter kept his eyes on Jesus and walked on water –only when he took his eyes off Jesus did he start to fall into the water. And even still God rescued him. And that’s how I feel sometimes. When I take my eyes off him for a moment and drown in the abyss of this life that is mine, He steps in, picks me out of it, dries me off and encourages me with His peace to look forward.

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of Saturdays ago and she asked me if I had thought of what I was going to do after Scott died. Because regardless of my confusion, he is going to die. At first I didn’t know what to think or to say and I tried to come off as I knew what I was going to do, but instead I cried. Just plain cried… because I honestly don’t have a clue as to what I’m going to do. I don't even know why I cried, I can only guess that I needed to and I felt safe enough with my friend to just cry.

I say I’m ready, but then I doubt that I am. Can anyone ever be ready for the death of a loved one?? Even when I know that his death could happen at any time now, I wonder if I’m really ready. Not just for the death part, but for the after the death part. Am I ready?? I don’t know, but God knows.

And again, when I am weak, He is strong. He is so strong!