Sunday, May 1, 2011

Time Heals All Wounds...

...or so the story goes. But nowhere does it say how much "time" that takes.

It's coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my husbands death, and I have trouble wrapping my head around that. 2 YEARS! It seems like yesterday yet, at the same time it seems like another life time.

People say things to indicate to me that they think I should be "moving on" and "getting over it" or "it's been 2 years". Those words mean nothing to me. I've come to understand that everyone's grief is different and take their own time in "getting over it".

There's a bigger part of me that wants to move on, but there's always going to be that little part of me that doesn't.

At first I just thought it was because I witnessed the trauma of his cancer and his death, and I just needed to heal from that, but the thing I struggle with the most is that I'm afraid I will forget. Forget about what our relationship meant to us. It wasn't an easy relationship, but it was ours.

We both had hard times with relationships because of our baggage that we both brought in but, he was, in the end living up to his promises. He was loved by so many, it was astounding to me. No one loved him more than I did. I was his "angel". And I can't forget that.

I saw in him the man I always knew was there, buried under the crap life dealt out to him. And I will never be able to "move on" from our last gaze into each others eyes. A promise kept.

As I head into May I'm burdened with the loss of him. I want that burden to go away, but it doesn't. Although, it's not as bad as it was last year. So I guess there's hope in the progress made so far.

I don't think anyone ever completely gets over it. I think we just get used to living with the grief. The load is lighter these days, but the load is still one I carry.

There are days when I still wish he was here, but then I wouldn't want to keep him here if he were in such enormous pain. Both physically and emotionally.

For me, it's like the music is gone from my life. The colors of the flowers are faded. I'm half of a whole and broken. I know it takes time and I have to make more effort, I just do not have the motivation to do that. I don't like doing things alone.


As Scott would say, "It is what it is - so deal with it". But I don't know what that looks like or how I'm supposed to do that.

Life takes it's twists and turns but I still.... wish he was here....