Friday, October 23, 2009

October 23rd - A DAY IN HISTORY

Today I’m feeling a bit melancholy.

Today is a very special day for me. Not only did I go to a meeting to be a part of what Scott loved – helping people less fortunate in Mexico, but also, it was 8 years ago today that I met Scott.

And oh, what a day that was. We met at a restaurant half way in between our places of residence. He lived in Burbank and I lived in Irvine at the time.
We met online and talked on the phone but had never actually had a physical meeting. This would be the first. I had not seen any pictures of him although, he did have pictures of me. So I was going in blind.

He agreed to ride his Harley out so we could possibly go for a ride after we met and ate.

We met at Mariposa Mexican Restaurant in W.Covina. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I circled the parking lot for a place to park and heard the sound of a Harley near by.

Then I saw the Harley – in my rear view mirror!!! He parked and I watched him get himself “undone” from his gear. My first thought, was “Oh, my God”! What have I done.

But I met him anyway and enjoyed his company. We went to the movies and saw “Serendipity”. Great movie. He left, I left and we stayed in contact daily on the phone till he moved in with me 4 months later.

And the rest as they say, is history!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Let's Recap, shall we??

As I was lying in bed at “W.H.O-A.M” becoming increasingly frustrated with all the health and medical issues I’m dealing with.
I kept coming back to Lyle’s message at Scott’s memorial service. It’s about perspective.
And as I thought about his message I decided to try to put all this in perspective.

Then I got confused with what the true perspective is here.

So, I decided to “recap” my life since Scott’s cancer diagnosis, since that seems to be my timeline now. And here’s what I’ve thought about for 2 plus hours this morning.

Timeline – Nov 28th, 2008 – Scott’s cancer diagnosis
Jan 21st – Scott’s life expectancy dramatically decreased!
And I became his full time care giver.
May 13th, Scott’s death
May 22nd Scott’s Memorial Service

While in the process of grieving, I have dealt with physical pain and emotional agony and had to pack and move which then prompted:
June 13th Urgent Care visit
And an ER visit to Saddleback Memorial the same night.

Since then I’ve had to adjust to a new place and new lifestyle, minus my husband, and I’m still trying to get my animals to adjust.

I am trying to learn to live not only without my husband, but without my step children who I miss almost as much.

I’m not able to just grieve and adjust. I have to support myself and go to work EVERYDAY.

And on top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had
2 CT scans- with and without contrast,
1 at the ER, and 1 at a lab,
been referred “stat” to 3 specialists,
had 6 ultra sounds,
2 urinalysis’,
5 blood draws,
3 rounds of antibiotics,
2 yeast infections, and a horrible colonoscopy experience.
And most recently a diagnostic laparoscopy.

ALL of this with the support of a couple of friends, my children and the prayers of many.

Yet, without my husband.

And still we have no diagnosis. There was a great deal of scar tissue that was removed during the laparoscopy. Yet the pain is still there. And getting worse. Next step – possibly removing my womb for a probable and rare side effect of a procedure I had 3 years ago.

I’ve missed a total of almost a month of work and I’ve only been back 3 months!
And I’ve joined a grief support group. I never in my wildest thoughts considered joining any kind of “support group”. They were always “for sissy’s”!

In less time than it takes to have a baby, I’ve lost my husband, my step children, my apartment, my “life”, my health and my sanity.

I’m adjusting, but it’s going to take a long time

So… if I seem a little depressed or withdrawn, this is why – do you blame me??

Yet through all of this, I know that God is with me, but I’m still human and still have physical limitations and emotional limitations. I’m stuck in a body that just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m a tick “off” center emotionally right now and I’m trying to adjust. I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m easily frustrated. I can’t focus on more than 1 thing at a time and the ability to concentrate on anything is limited. My attention span is that of a 2 year old. And I miss talking to Scott about my “stuff”.

If I happen to take this out on you, please forgive me. And don’t take it personally, “it’s not you, it’s me”.

So, where is my perspective – I have no idea. Anyone want to offer up suggestions?? I’m open to them.

Friday, October 2, 2009

No Matter Where I Go, There I AM.

Funny, strange, not Funny ha ha, thing about grief it sets into motion all kinds of emotions that I've kept buried for a very long time. It is very difficult to explain to people who've never lost as spouse exactly what this feels like. I go from being exhausted, to empty, to angry, to lost, to happy and joyfull, and back around again, over and over and over. It's like a wagon wheel stuck in the rut. And this is all considered "about right". And it's exhausting - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I was told that the "3 month" mark was going to be hard - very hard. And I couldn't even imagine it being any more difficult already. And ya know what, it wasn't bad, till the middle of the 4th month when things just came screaming down and out of me. Now I hear that I'm really smack dab in the middle of the worst of it. And there's so MUCH!!! that I cannot control, so much that I cannot just put out of my mind. So much I can't find words to explain about. I still hear Scott's voice in my head, and I guess I always will. I still have the nightmares and now add panic attacks. Is there any rest for the grieving soul!?

Okay, so now I'm not as "raging" mad as I was. I'm still pretty "bent", but it's not as overwhelming. I can only give credit to my GOD - YHWH - He has restored some peace to my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart. He spoke very softly to me during my rage, and I took the poster of Scott, with all the loving things people had to say about him written on it, off the wall and now it's behind the dresser so I don't have to be in constand judgement of a dead man.

Here's the song that spoke to me today and has spoken to me before. Because there are days when I don't think or feel that "everything's going to be alright".

If anyone knows me they know that I'm really affected by music. It just ALWAYS touches my heart in the right places. I love music, all kinds of music - (okay, RAP isn't one I'd listen to willingly, but I've listened to it before). And music will always be a big part of my life and when it's not present, I get all funky. This is where I've made a simple, yet critical mistake. I stopped listening to music. Ooops, my bad. So I'm back on the musical track so to speak and I've found that I've missed it so much. Now I understand why King David wrote the music he did.

There's still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done yet - in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart, but, I'm going to move forward. I've been crashing blindly into the future because I've been too concerned with what was behind me.

I'm coming to accept that I cannot change anything that is already done. I can't undo my past mistakes and I cannot live with regret. I can only ask for forgiveness and accept forgiveness.

I can only leave myself open to whatever God has in store for me and try to be as prepared as I can for whatever may come. I can only embrace the pain that comes when my friends and family show their compassion. This is difficult, but yet, it must be done, if I'm going to be the person God wants me to be. The person He created me to be that has been stuffed and trampled on for 50, almost 51 years. I get to reinvent myself and I only want to be reinvented by the grace of God. He is in control, always has been and always will be. Last time I checked, He was still on the throne.

So, here I come, carefully taking baby steps along the way, muddling through, as I allow God to work in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart.