Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mad as Heck

Okay, it's been almost a month since I did any of this stuff.

It's been a roller coaster of a month! I started off this "dreaded" 3 month mark pretty good. I really feel like God was bestowing grace and peace on me.
And I still feel God's presence every day, but man oh, man, I am MAD.


I'm in a raging pissed off mood and most of the time cannot seem to control what comes out of my mouth. If I've already offended anyone please graciously accept my apologies now. I have no excuses, just apologies.

I wish I could say exactly why I'm so angry, but I'm told, generally it's the grief. WHATEVER! I'm tired of blaming everything on the damn grief already!

I'm not mad that Scott isn't here anymore because honestly, most days I'd prefer to be where I think he is. And it's kinda nice that I don't have to check in with him and argue about every little thing. But I'm still freaking mad!

I dont' want to be with him there either, but I need to hear him say he was sorry.

Sorry for being such a butthead for 8 years.
Sorry for doing and saying some of the awful things he did and said to me.
Sorry for being so "great and wonderful" to everyone else, but me.
Sorry for the harsh looks, bitter words and pregnant silences.
Sorry for not having his priorities in line when it came to our marriage.
Sorry that he didn't even acknowledge in words his feelings for me, which only leads me to believe that he didn't have them.
Sorry that he was so inconsiderate of me and my feelings when Lindsay was going through her cancer.
Sorry that he refused to design a tattoo for me, but had no problem designing one for his sister. (No offense to the sister, she had no clue).
Sorry that he complete invalidated anything that was me. And I wasn't even looking to be validated!

Scott was a man who kept it "real". Brutally "REAL". So considering this and knowing that I knew him better than anyone else, my only reality is simple - he loved me as long as I continued to love him the way I did. Completely and unconditionally. I always, always put him first. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT SCOTT!

I just always thought.... I don't even know what I always thought! Maybe that one day he would love me the same way. My bad! now he's dead and doesn't even have the opportunity to say he's sorry! Much less reciprocate any feelings!

Now that I've come face to face with the harsh reality that my husband was more often than not, a jack ass to me, and I'm finally dealing with it, he's not even around to have the chance to make it right with me. I will never hear him say to me, "I'm SORRY"! - I will not hear those words from his mouth, this side of heaven, and it makes me MAD AS HECK!

And this part really, really pisses me off! - I can't even yell at him about it. I can't even sit down and have a "heart to heart" with him about how I feel.

So this now makes me mad at myself for allowing him to devalue me.

For now that time has passed and I really, really need to hear him say to me what he assumed I knew, I don't ever get to hear those words. I will never, ever hear him say to me what he really thought, and felt about me. I can only go with what I know by his actions when he was around. And that's no picnic either!

So, I'm mad. And I'll be mad till God says differently.