Friday, December 11, 2009

For years now, my kids have asked me what I want for Christmas. I used to jokingly say, a million dollars, a new house, a new car, a new Harley. They would laugh and say, “No, really, Mom what do you want for Christmas”. And typically I would answer that I had everything I wanted. I have phenomenal daughters and wonderful grandchildren. I really didn’t want anything.

This year, they haven’t asked me… yet. I think they know that all I want for Christmas is something I can't ever have. My husband back, not to have gone through the trauma of helping Scott die, our life together back. Even as crappy as it was sometimes, I miss it so much.

Scott grounded me. He was tough, but that kept me grounded. I felt like I had a purpose and a direction. Now, I feel like a ship without a sail, just kind of going with the motion. I'm not challenged by anything except getting over the trauma.

As the holidays approach, I dread them. I try to keep a happy heart and a kind spirit, but I really don’t see (and never really have) the purpose of hanging lights, buying and decorating a tree, only to take it all down again and put it away. Spending money on presents for people who most likely don’t want that thing you just spent money on anyway. Seems like a waste of time and effort to me. And this year, I REALLY don’t want to do any of it. There is less motivation for me now than ever before.

I find myself, lately, remembering conversations Scott and I had, that I’ve long since forgotten about. Not the most recent conversations but, old ones. I remember a conversation we had when we first met and we were going “on our first adventure” together. He told me to eat oatmeal before we hit the road so I’d stay warm on the Harley. So we ate oatmeal. I laughed then, but now, I know how important that was. (I didn’t stay warm for long though. Driving up the Cajon Pass in November on a Harley in the cold was the coldest I’d been in a long time).

And the one thing that has been running through my memory all day today is when he told me “You complete me”. And I remember the scripture we used for our wedding. Ecclesiastes 4:12 - “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”. But it has been broken. And I’m not sure how I feel about this right now. I feel like I’ve been lied to somehow. We made a covenant with God, and now that’s been broken. I understand the realities of life, but “really”, Lord, “really”???? I feel like God didn't keep His end of the bargain.

This morning I was thinking about Scott more than I normally do on any given day. I thought about all the things we’d done together, the things we’ll never do together and all the things we said we were going to do, and never did because we didn’t make it a priority in our lives. From the smallest of things, getting matching tatoo's and we were supposed to set up the camera and take portraits together of just us. We never did that. We were supposed buy a pop up trailer and drive up north to different camp sites and just be together, and relax, we never did that either. And now we won't ever.

Why is it that we always want what we know we can’t ever have?? Why is it that we never think about **(fill in the blank) ** till someone says we can’t have it?
I don’t think it’s just me, I think this applies to everyone.

And it all started with Adam and Eve in the Garden. I just want to know why she listened to the stupid snake in the garden. Seriously, did snakes talk back then? Was she hypnotized? Or just plain stupid.

Yeah, yeah, I know – she was deceived. But Adam, he wasn’t. Didn’t he trust God enough to know that if he remained faithful, God would have given him something so much better? Why didn't he know this?? And if God knew in advance (which I believe He did/does) why did He do it? Why? This is one of those questions that often keep me up at night. And it won’t be answered until I meet up with Him later.

So… all I want for Christmas I can’t have. I can’t have my husband and life back, I can’t have answers to all my questions, and I can’t be “normal”.

So… why bother??