Friday, July 17, 2009

This is about it.

I have heard this song over and over. I just want to share it because it really fits with where I'm at right now.
I have faith. I may not have much hope right now, but I have faith... faith in God. Who will bring beauty from my pain.
His promises are real. And I hold on to those promises!

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Reflections of the way we used to be....

Well, as most people know I'm moving from this apartment at the end of July. And I've been reflecting on ALL that has happened here in just 3 short years. It's been VERY emotional.

So... to help me to move forward, I decided to blog about what I'm thinking and feeling and reflecting on. Kinda like a walk in the clouds.

As I sat here one night stuck on what to pack in what box, it occurred to me that Scott would know... and yeah, I just started to cry.

Like I am now.

And I got really mad. Mad at all of it. I felt cheated, I still feel cheated. Not cheated on, but cheated out of... out of Scott being here to tell me how to do this! Cheated out of having our "retirement years" together, cheated out of having him next to me in our bed. Just plain cheated. I feel ripped off and really angry. And I cry when I'm angry. I know that's really lame, but I do. And I'm sick of crying all the time.

Every room in this place has some memories in it. Just this place alone is one huge memory. Good and bad, and I have to re-live every single memory, every single day.

You see, we moved here a month after starting to go to church at Terra Nova, then called Canyon Hills Church, so that we could be close "to the action" as Scott said. He wanted to be in on EVERYTHING! Just like his grandpa Meredith told him, "Son, if you're gonna rob a bank, take ALL the money".

I didn't want to live here. I liked living in Tustin, but once again, he was right. He had to be "in" it.

We had help from people at Canyon Hills Church that we barely knew, to move here and that was the first of many blessings bestowed upon us. And we met this crazy woman, who organized the whole thing who would would later become our best, most cherished friend.

We really couldn't afford to live here. We were stretched to the breaking point financially. I had to let go of my car that I'd just bought, because I was taught that if you can't pay for something you can't have it. And we had many, many arguments and discussions about money then. Yet through that we became closer, and stronger. Don't get me wrong it was still very difficult, but it did make us better. We found ways of making a grocery list with no more than $50.00 per week. We did free stuff. Took walks and took pictures, and just talked as we walked. Doing stuff with church... and all the while, Scott had his camera. I miss those times more than anything.

He was still pretty sick from his ITP and fatigue was a huge issue all the time. Yet he somehow found the strength to do little things for me. And for others. He cleaned the house, he emptied the cat box, made sure there was gas in the car, and that the windows were clean, just the little things you never think about. He really did make my life easier. And I miss that too.

He spent days on end doing lighting and sound for our church, our home away from home. He loved to take pictures of Kampmania, our church's version of Vacation Bible School. He LOVED those kids. And he would just tell me that Debbie and Carolyn were just plain crazy! But he'd defend them and what they did.

He'd try to "store up" sleep before he went to Project Mexico. He loved that project and in the end talked about moving to Mexico!

Okay, back to the packing stuff.... so I thought I would start packing the "non-essentials", but they're breakable. Scott would know how to pack them. Oh, yeah, Scott's not here. Anger again. I thought, I'll pack bathroom /linen stuff and then I go in there and all of the conversations when he was dying came to me. I felt sucker punched. The breath was literally kicked out of me. But I go in there every day, multiple times a day and I'm fine, but as soon as I have to pack stuff, well... you get the picture.

Here's the thing, toward the end, he was having trouble urinating. And by this time he had to have help with EVERYTHING so I'd help him to the toilet and turn on the water, and just sit on the floor in front of him. And we talked. We talked about so much stuff. And we laughed. He would make jokes about how if he couldn't pee "like regular" then could he pee from his nose?? Oh, that visual was funny!

The time on Valentine's day when he needed to bathe, but was too tired to get in the shower so I gave him a head to toe sponge bath. And he said, "This goes above and beyond the call of duty, and this is way more than you signed up for". I kissed him and reminded him of the covenant we made with God. And that this was all part of it. And told him Happy Valentine's Day.

But then he'd suddenly get serious and he'd want to smoke and I'd help him outside and light his cigarette for him so he wouldn't burn his face anymore, and he said that these were consequences for his choices and that "it is what it is". And I reminded him that he's not who he once was. And that he'd come so far. Yeah, he was still a jerk from time to time but he was so less angry, and hard. He'd become soft. Openly soft.

And even though he was scared from time to time, he was never enveloped in fear. EVER. He knew where he was going, oh, and flaunted it too. Sort of.

So I thought, I'll pack the non essntials from the bedroom... Nope, can't do much happened there. And I don't mean "that" stuff. The arguments, the working it out, the after the fight lovemaking, the rearranging furniture, over and over and over. Hanging the shelves and creating a headboard from a runner rug. The love I feel when I go in there is SO strong. How can I leave that now?? Yet, I have to. I will miss this. Heck, I already miss it.

And so through all this process, I can't lift, push or pull anything more than 10 pounds. So I get stuck again... and I question God. What the heck?? I need to be busy and God gives me Ps. 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God". But why?? Why now?? And that is really none of my business. My only business is to be obedient and to grow closer to God. And then of course I ask myself, "Aren't I close enough". No, I'm not. He's not finished with me yet.

So today, I taped all the boxes I have, I got some newspaper, and I'm set... sort of. I've packed a total of 2 boxes. Tonight will be much more productive.

Still, I go from room to room, remembering all that happened between us and the growth that happened in Scott, in me and in our relationship and in our relationship with God. He loved to read the Bible and get more knowledge.

And here's the really hard one to remember without tears...
I walk in the front door, every day, and I remember January 23rd, 2007, and I remember him waiting for me that day he emailed me and asked me to marry him. I was at work, and I got that email, in the largest possible font, and I wouldn't, couldn't answer him via email.

We both said we'd never get married again. It was just too much, and too painful for both of us. Yet here we were, after many years of trouble and turmoil and only a year of bliss, and he wanted to get married. He wanted to get freaking married??? "WTF-over!"I couldn't tell him I would via email... it just wasn't "okay" with me. So when I got home, and I came in the door and he was waiting for me, he said, "Well???" And of course I had to be difficult and said, "Well what"? And he got so mad... and I laughed and said, "Of course, what did you think, I'd say, no"?

And he proceeded to arrange EVERYTHING. The email invites, the location, the cake, Jon Hall to do it, everything. All I had to do was find a dress. And it was done the way Scott wanted it done, no fuss, no muss. And so everytime I walk in here I remember that moment. And how much our lives changed in the last 2 plus years. We struggled but I watched God do a huge work in him. And in me. He became this generous, loving, kind, giving wonderful person to other people, and doing that he became softer and kinder to me. I have no doubt that he loved me... the best he could. And I know, he knows that I loved him the best I could.
And having said all that....

And now I have to leave that behind and turn the page to the new chapter and it's so hard. It's so incredibly bittersweet! I don't want to do this, but I have to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS!