Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Enough Said

So I find myself missing Scott more now than before because of the holidays. Obviously!

I was sitting outside in my work parking lot, praying, and just trying to connect with God. My question was simply this, "How will I get through all of this?"
And I clearly heard in my heart - " With Me".
My only response - "OK"

Nuf Sed.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


“There's an old saying that "perception is reality." But is this statement true? Not very often! Reality is always factual, but perceptions can vary widely. Different people may view the facts in different ways, but that doesn't change the truth of the matter. For example, individuals or groups may perceive God differently, but that does not change God. God is God and that will always be reality. What the saying "perception is reality" means is that people will react to their own perceptions as if they are the real truth. It's the way we see things!
Name a particular group, organization or business, and you'll find people's opinions often differ wildly regarding its purpose, position and function. They have perceived its nature based on their own experience and viewpoint”.
I stumbled upon this the today and realized that God is so strongly at work in me that I’m amazed – even though I know I shouldn’t be. He’s always up to something. I’ve had the perception that He’s preparing me for something for a long time now.

So, again, yesterday, our lunch room conversation turned to a highly controversial subject. And of course, opinion’s varied. Or perceptions varied.
Topic: illegal immigration.
I listened more than spoke, only because I have such mixed emotion and opinion about it. “Beep” went my internal watch. I’ve since stopped carrying the stop watch.

The majority of the contributors to this conversation had really strong opinions of their own perceptions – this is “my” country, this is “my” tax dollar, this is “my” land, “my house” and so the conversation went. And I completely understand that there is frustration where people come into “my” country, and violate our laws and land in jail, only to be supported by “our” money, tax payers money.
But I feel the same way about the people who were born here. So for me, it’s not a prejudice against a particular nationality, just a prejudice against people who are evil. Could that be “righteous prejudice”?

As I meditated on this subject last night, it was revealed to me that none of this is “mine”. This is God’s land, God’s money, and God’s jail.

If we change our perception to it all belonging to its Rightful Owner, then does it all really matter? As I kept thinking about the conversation, I just kept redirecting my thinking to this not being “mine” but God’s and the frustration I felt other people had over the illegal immigration problem diminished.

If anyone has a right to hate someone else, God does. And yet, we read that "God so loved the world" (John 3:16)— so much so that He wants to include its people in His eternal family. When I say, “people”, it doesn’t just refer to “American’s”. It refers to ALL PEOPLE.

Now, that’s not to say that I have had a complete change of heart. But I am made more aware of the brokeness of people, regardless of race or culture. There is still a part of me that says, “If you come to this country, obey the laws or go back to your own country. Or we’ll send you back”. And I’m reminded that we are to pay Cesar’s things to Cesar and God’s things to God. And I’m still troubled in my heart that I have that part of me that says – “its mine and you can’t have it”.
I’m reminded that I am broken too. And I am humbled.

Friday, December 11, 2009

For years now, my kids have asked me what I want for Christmas. I used to jokingly say, a million dollars, a new house, a new car, a new Harley. They would laugh and say, “No, really, Mom what do you want for Christmas”. And typically I would answer that I had everything I wanted. I have phenomenal daughters and wonderful grandchildren. I really didn’t want anything.

This year, they haven’t asked me… yet. I think they know that all I want for Christmas is something I can't ever have. My husband back, not to have gone through the trauma of helping Scott die, our life together back. Even as crappy as it was sometimes, I miss it so much.

Scott grounded me. He was tough, but that kept me grounded. I felt like I had a purpose and a direction. Now, I feel like a ship without a sail, just kind of going with the motion. I'm not challenged by anything except getting over the trauma.

As the holidays approach, I dread them. I try to keep a happy heart and a kind spirit, but I really don’t see (and never really have) the purpose of hanging lights, buying and decorating a tree, only to take it all down again and put it away. Spending money on presents for people who most likely don’t want that thing you just spent money on anyway. Seems like a waste of time and effort to me. And this year, I REALLY don’t want to do any of it. There is less motivation for me now than ever before.

I find myself, lately, remembering conversations Scott and I had, that I’ve long since forgotten about. Not the most recent conversations but, old ones. I remember a conversation we had when we first met and we were going “on our first adventure” together. He told me to eat oatmeal before we hit the road so I’d stay warm on the Harley. So we ate oatmeal. I laughed then, but now, I know how important that was. (I didn’t stay warm for long though. Driving up the Cajon Pass in November on a Harley in the cold was the coldest I’d been in a long time).

And the one thing that has been running through my memory all day today is when he told me “You complete me”. And I remember the scripture we used for our wedding. Ecclesiastes 4:12 - “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken”. But it has been broken. And I’m not sure how I feel about this right now. I feel like I’ve been lied to somehow. We made a covenant with God, and now that’s been broken. I understand the realities of life, but “really”, Lord, “really”???? I feel like God didn't keep His end of the bargain.

This morning I was thinking about Scott more than I normally do on any given day. I thought about all the things we’d done together, the things we’ll never do together and all the things we said we were going to do, and never did because we didn’t make it a priority in our lives. From the smallest of things, getting matching tatoo's and we were supposed to set up the camera and take portraits together of just us. We never did that. We were supposed buy a pop up trailer and drive up north to different camp sites and just be together, and relax, we never did that either. And now we won't ever.

Why is it that we always want what we know we can’t ever have?? Why is it that we never think about **(fill in the blank) ** till someone says we can’t have it?
I don’t think it’s just me, I think this applies to everyone.

And it all started with Adam and Eve in the Garden. I just want to know why she listened to the stupid snake in the garden. Seriously, did snakes talk back then? Was she hypnotized? Or just plain stupid.

Yeah, yeah, I know – she was deceived. But Adam, he wasn’t. Didn’t he trust God enough to know that if he remained faithful, God would have given him something so much better? Why didn't he know this?? And if God knew in advance (which I believe He did/does) why did He do it? Why? This is one of those questions that often keep me up at night. And it won’t be answered until I meet up with Him later.

So… all I want for Christmas I can’t have. I can’t have my husband and life back, I can’t have answers to all my questions, and I can’t be “normal”.

So… why bother??

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Ghosts of Christmas Past

My church, TerraNova, is doing a new series called “Ghosts of Christmas Past”. It’s not the same as the movie necessarily, but it is about things that have happened in the past that make the holiday season not such a good thing for some people. And it’s about asking God for forgiveness and healing of those things from our pasts so that the future can be a bright, light place. Where we can walk with Him in the light. One of Scott’s favorite verses was read by our church – Eph. 5:8-14. I didn’t know it was a favorite till I looked at my husband’s bible shortly after he passed away. It was post noted in pink with “especially 13” written in his handwriting. I don’t think our Pastor knew that this was one of Scott’s favorite. It matters not.
Sometimes I’m hit with the emotions of Scott’s death when I least expect it. Yesterday at church was one of those moments. Usually when I first walk in I’m blindsided. I’ve learned to expect this trigger. Scott’s presence is very heavy there. The place was our home away from home. It was our place of refuge during the storms of life. It’s where we practiced choir. It’s where they met to head out for Project Mexico. It’s where our life was. I’m reminded of how much he put into that place. He was very involved in capturing the build-out in photographs, he went and sprayed for bugs so that Laura wouldn’t be afraid to be there. He worked along side Stefanie to clean it up. I don’t even know how many times he swept that warehouse floor. He watched it come from a hollowed out warehouse space and helped to create it into the warm and loving place of worship it has become.
When I look at the lights I remember how he LOVED being a part of that, same thing with the sound system. So now when I walk in, I try not to look at those things. I just focus on my new life and the message being presented. But yesterday, I was blindsided again. In the Children’s Ministry workroom is the “bio” that Scott and I did when we did his Art Showing. Talk about the wind being kicked out of you! But it was OKAY! I’m glad that he’s still remembered.

Anyway, back to the message from church, I’ve pretty much covered most of the issues of my distant past – my totally dysfunctional childhood (yeah, I know – who didn’t have one of those), God has redeemed my children back to me (which I am forever grateful for), I believe strongly that He has forgiven me for those things that I’ve done and that He’s forgiven who people have done awful things to me.
I’ve been a Christ follower for 12 years now, so I have dealt with, been forgiven of and have moved past a lot of things from my past, so I didn’t think the lesson really applied to me, however, I’ve changed that view point. Since the series goes along with a couple of other studies I’m doing, and I have to do spiritual inventory for those studies I decided to think about and pray about the “Regrets” and “Resentments” that I do have buried.

And it comes down to in part to this – I’m not a strong believer in the Christmas season. Not because I don’t believe in Christ, but because I don’t like celebrating the way modern society has come to celebrate His birth. It’s become such a money pit that we all fall into and then regret when we end up paying back so much more. And teaching our young ones the wrong meaning of the season!
We’re too busy focusing on the “holiday” and not the meaning behind it. But then this got me thinking about how it’s easy for me to not celebrate Christmas. I’m just not into holidays. And that’s because I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and so that “holiday spirit” was never engrained into my head. So it’s a little easier for me to make a stand to not get all caught up in the shopping and decorating and cooking and so on and so on. So, no regrets there.

And Scott and I decided about 3 years ago that we weren’t going to get a tree, or buy presents for anyone. It was hard, but it was okay. I like buying stuff for people, that was the hardest part. So we bought a little fake tree that takes 15 minutes to set up and put away. And now that Scott has passed away, I’m going to compromise this a little bit.

I won’t put up our little 15” tree this year, or any other decorations. Mostly because they’re packed in storage, but also, my little space doesn’t allow it. This allows me the freedom to think about getting or making Christ-centered gifts for my children and grand children. I’m not going to spend a lot of money doing it. I WILL STAY IN BUDGET. It may just come down to sharing the story of Christ with them in a unique way. I haven’t decided yet, but this I know, I will celebrate Christ’s birth the best way I can and that is keeping Him in the center of it.

Then this leads me to discuss the “Regrets” and “Resentments” I do have toward other people and myself (and surprisingly, God too) that I’ve just not thought about in a long time. Or am just coming to realize. And though it may be true that I’ve dealt with many, many issues from my past, yet there are still some recent areas in my life where there are “Regrets” and “Resentment’s. And so I’ve prayed that God would show me these areas. And I have questions, questions that I’ve posed to God that I’m currently waiting answers on. One of the answers has already been given.

See, last night as I was sitting outside in the cold pondering the spiritual inventory I have to take, my question was why can’t I just get over the death of my husband? It’s been almost 7 months now and I feel like I should be farther along than I am in the grief process. This is a process I hate right now. I cannot rush it along, I cannot push it, and there is no reward or prize if you finish first. And honestly, I don’t want to “finish first” on this one, but I do want to have some kind of “normal” in my life and I would hate to think that where I am right now is “normal”. And the response I heard was clearly, “Some things just take more time”. And, “This “normal” is only normal for a season”. Then I looked at my ring that I bought about a month ago. It reads, “I know the plans I have for you”. Jeremiah 29:11- 13
Here’s what the full verse says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart”.
Oh WOW! This is so reassuring to me.

My faith remains, it weakens and it gets stronger, day after day, but I haven’t completely lost faith. Everyday my faith looks different to me. Some days it’s HUGE and other days it’s truly a mustard seed.

And this is where my “Regrets” and “Resentments” are right now. And I’m sorry that it’s still all about Scott for me, and it might be that way for a long time.
I Regret that Scott isn’t here with me right now and I Resent that God has chosen to take him from me right now.
Scott lived his whole life hard and fast and crammed it all into 53 years. I had no control over that. And I had very little control over anything in our relationship. Yet, I suffer the consequences of Scott’s choices. I have resentment about this. I resent that I’m always reminded of him and that he’s not here and I resent that I’m sad all the time. There! I've said it.

Life just doesn’t seem very fair to me. But life isn’t “fair”. Or just. It just is. “It is what it is” and I’m learning to just “be” in each moment. Take each moment as it comes and not control, analyze it I may or may not remember much of this time right now, but I am learning through it. I am growing through it and I know that this too shall pass.

I’m confident that “normal” will happen for me – In God’s time, not mine. For He has always known the plan for me. I may not like the timing or the plan, but if God's in Control and last I checked He was still on the throne, then I'm OKAY with it.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Constant Reflection

Well, I’ve been thinking about what to blog about since so much has been happening with me lately and as I was reflecting on all of it I realized that I’ve actually been living life. Maybe not “experiencing” life, but living it. Actually, just surviving it.

This past year to year and half have not been anything I want to remember. Not only did I survive my youngest child beating (so far) Stage 3 Melanoma, which that in and of itself was enough for me, but surviving my husbands struggle and death from cancer as well.

And I realized that just since Scott’s death alone, I’ve survived 7 major holidays, Memorial day, 4th of July, Labor Day weekend, my birthday, our 8th year anniversary of being together, Halloween, and Thanksgiving. And through this, my own health problems, surgery and recovery.

And to top that off, a trip to Project Mexico/Casa de Esperanza in tribute of and it memory of my late husband (I hate saying that because he was never “late” for anything). I only took photographs for him, and tried to see things through his eyes and the eyes of God.

With each holiday, I’ve missed the presence of Scott. His memory is always going to be with me and I’ve learned to embrace that rather than try to forget, because the pain of my loss is so great that I just want to forget it all, but I can’t. He was a “memorable character”. How could I possibly forget the man who taught me so much about how to live life and how to love life?

Simply, I cannot and will not ever forget that man.

So, while during my trip to Casa de Esperanza and Thanksgiving, the last major holiday, I embraced his memory and asked God to open my heart and mind to everything He wanted me to remember. And I found myself reliving how excited Scott was to be a part of Project Mexico and the day we got the diagnosis last year, the day after Thanksgiving.
I wondered what was going through Scott’s mind that day. He was angry with me after he told me about the phone call from the doctor. Well, not really angry with me, just angry period.
I wanted to tell my family and he wanted to keep it a secret. I didn’t understand that but I respected his wish. But he knew that I would need to “talk it out” with someone otherwise I would just implode emotionally, then he picked the perfect people for me to do that with – Sharon and Bobby Genton.

Then as I’m remembering this, I remembered a brief conversation (that I had forgotten all about till then), when he took me aside and held my face in his hands and got really close to me, looked me in the eyes and said, “I really need you to be strong with me through this.” All I could say was “I will”.
And dang it all, I think I was. I really believe that I was strong, not only with him and often times for him till his death and after.

I can only imagine the thoughts that ran through his mind from the day of his diagnosis to his death. He didn’t always share his feelings with anyone, but he did with me, most of the time.

But, not this time.

I knew he was scared. Heck, I was scared. There were moments of utter fear and I remember them well. Those memories haunt me.

But now, I find myself remembering the good times, the touching times, the loving times. I push out the bad memories and cover them with the good ones.
For me, it’s about forgiveness.

I’ve experienced every possible range of emotion from love to a great sense of loss, and from joy to completely huge anger and back again. But now, it’s time to get down to the heart of the matter –and again, that’s forgiveness. It reminds me of the Don Henley song. It really is for me, about forgiveness.

Not just forgiving Scott for being a jerk to me a lot of the time, but forgiving God for allowing Scott to leave this earth (and me and his kids) so soon. Forgiving the doctors who mishandled his health care, forgiving the health care system as we knew it. Forgiving the things of this world that cause cancer to begin with. And forgiving the people who spent so much time with us for leaving me alone now.

The ones who have remained in my life will always remain. The ones who choose not to, then they miss out. And I’m now finally okay with all of that.

And as I face yet more holidays, I will try to remember him and the memories of “us”. And I’ll embrace that and all the conversations we had this past year.

And this Christmas I will hold on tight to all of our memories together.
Even though I will miss him more this Christmas than all previous holidays, I will still hold on.

Friday, October 23, 2009

October 23rd - A DAY IN HISTORY

Today I’m feeling a bit melancholy.

Today is a very special day for me. Not only did I go to a meeting to be a part of what Scott loved – helping people less fortunate in Mexico, but also, it was 8 years ago today that I met Scott.

And oh, what a day that was. We met at a restaurant half way in between our places of residence. He lived in Burbank and I lived in Irvine at the time.
We met online and talked on the phone but had never actually had a physical meeting. This would be the first. I had not seen any pictures of him although, he did have pictures of me. So I was going in blind.

He agreed to ride his Harley out so we could possibly go for a ride after we met and ate.

We met at Mariposa Mexican Restaurant in W.Covina. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I circled the parking lot for a place to park and heard the sound of a Harley near by.

Then I saw the Harley – in my rear view mirror!!! He parked and I watched him get himself “undone” from his gear. My first thought, was “Oh, my God”! What have I done.

But I met him anyway and enjoyed his company. We went to the movies and saw “Serendipity”. Great movie. He left, I left and we stayed in contact daily on the phone till he moved in with me 4 months later.

And the rest as they say, is history!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Let's Recap, shall we??

As I was lying in bed at “W.H.O-A.M” becoming increasingly frustrated with all the health and medical issues I’m dealing with.
I kept coming back to Lyle’s message at Scott’s memorial service. It’s about perspective.
And as I thought about his message I decided to try to put all this in perspective.

Then I got confused with what the true perspective is here.

So, I decided to “recap” my life since Scott’s cancer diagnosis, since that seems to be my timeline now. And here’s what I’ve thought about for 2 plus hours this morning.

Timeline – Nov 28th, 2008 – Scott’s cancer diagnosis
Jan 21st – Scott’s life expectancy dramatically decreased!
And I became his full time care giver.
May 13th, Scott’s death
May 22nd Scott’s Memorial Service

While in the process of grieving, I have dealt with physical pain and emotional agony and had to pack and move which then prompted:
June 13th Urgent Care visit
And an ER visit to Saddleback Memorial the same night.

Since then I’ve had to adjust to a new place and new lifestyle, minus my husband, and I’m still trying to get my animals to adjust.

I am trying to learn to live not only without my husband, but without my step children who I miss almost as much.

I’m not able to just grieve and adjust. I have to support myself and go to work EVERYDAY.

And on top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had
2 CT scans- with and without contrast,
1 at the ER, and 1 at a lab,
been referred “stat” to 3 specialists,
had 6 ultra sounds,
2 urinalysis’,
5 blood draws,
3 rounds of antibiotics,
2 yeast infections, and a horrible colonoscopy experience.
And most recently a diagnostic laparoscopy.

ALL of this with the support of a couple of friends, my children and the prayers of many.

Yet, without my husband.

And still we have no diagnosis. There was a great deal of scar tissue that was removed during the laparoscopy. Yet the pain is still there. And getting worse. Next step – possibly removing my womb for a probable and rare side effect of a procedure I had 3 years ago.

I’ve missed a total of almost a month of work and I’ve only been back 3 months!
And I’ve joined a grief support group. I never in my wildest thoughts considered joining any kind of “support group”. They were always “for sissy’s”!

In less time than it takes to have a baby, I’ve lost my husband, my step children, my apartment, my “life”, my health and my sanity.

I’m adjusting, but it’s going to take a long time

So… if I seem a little depressed or withdrawn, this is why – do you blame me??

Yet through all of this, I know that God is with me, but I’m still human and still have physical limitations and emotional limitations. I’m stuck in a body that just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m a tick “off” center emotionally right now and I’m trying to adjust. I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m easily frustrated. I can’t focus on more than 1 thing at a time and the ability to concentrate on anything is limited. My attention span is that of a 2 year old. And I miss talking to Scott about my “stuff”.

If I happen to take this out on you, please forgive me. And don’t take it personally, “it’s not you, it’s me”.

So, where is my perspective – I have no idea. Anyone want to offer up suggestions?? I’m open to them.

Friday, October 2, 2009

No Matter Where I Go, There I AM.

Funny, strange, not Funny ha ha, thing about grief it sets into motion all kinds of emotions that I've kept buried for a very long time. It is very difficult to explain to people who've never lost as spouse exactly what this feels like. I go from being exhausted, to empty, to angry, to lost, to happy and joyfull, and back around again, over and over and over. It's like a wagon wheel stuck in the rut. And this is all considered "about right". And it's exhausting - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I was told that the "3 month" mark was going to be hard - very hard. And I couldn't even imagine it being any more difficult already. And ya know what, it wasn't bad, till the middle of the 4th month when things just came screaming down and out of me. Now I hear that I'm really smack dab in the middle of the worst of it. And there's so MUCH!!! that I cannot control, so much that I cannot just put out of my mind. So much I can't find words to explain about. I still hear Scott's voice in my head, and I guess I always will. I still have the nightmares and now add panic attacks. Is there any rest for the grieving soul!?

Okay, so now I'm not as "raging" mad as I was. I'm still pretty "bent", but it's not as overwhelming. I can only give credit to my GOD - YHWH - He has restored some peace to my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart. He spoke very softly to me during my rage, and I took the poster of Scott, with all the loving things people had to say about him written on it, off the wall and now it's behind the dresser so I don't have to be in constand judgement of a dead man.

Here's the song that spoke to me today and has spoken to me before. Because there are days when I don't think or feel that "everything's going to be alright".


If anyone knows me they know that I'm really affected by music. It just ALWAYS touches my heart in the right places. I love music, all kinds of music - (okay, RAP isn't one I'd listen to willingly, but I've listened to it before). And music will always be a big part of my life and when it's not present, I get all funky. This is where I've made a simple, yet critical mistake. I stopped listening to music. Ooops, my bad. So I'm back on the musical track so to speak and I've found that I've missed it so much. Now I understand why King David wrote the music he did.

There's still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done yet - in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart, but, I'm going to move forward. I've been crashing blindly into the future because I've been too concerned with what was behind me.

I'm coming to accept that I cannot change anything that is already done. I can't undo my past mistakes and I cannot live with regret. I can only ask for forgiveness and accept forgiveness.

I can only leave myself open to whatever God has in store for me and try to be as prepared as I can for whatever may come. I can only embrace the pain that comes when my friends and family show their compassion. This is difficult, but yet, it must be done, if I'm going to be the person God wants me to be. The person He created me to be that has been stuffed and trampled on for 50, almost 51 years. I get to reinvent myself and I only want to be reinvented by the grace of God. He is in control, always has been and always will be. Last time I checked, He was still on the throne.

So, here I come, carefully taking baby steps along the way, muddling through, as I allow God to work in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Mad as Heck

Okay, it's been almost a month since I did any of this stuff.

It's been a roller coaster of a month! I started off this "dreaded" 3 month mark pretty good. I really feel like God was bestowing grace and peace on me.
And I still feel God's presence every day, but man oh, man, I am MAD.


I'm in a raging pissed off mood and most of the time cannot seem to control what comes out of my mouth. If I've already offended anyone please graciously accept my apologies now. I have no excuses, just apologies.

I wish I could say exactly why I'm so angry, but I'm told, generally it's the grief. WHATEVER! I'm tired of blaming everything on the damn grief already!

I'm not mad that Scott isn't here anymore because honestly, most days I'd prefer to be where I think he is. And it's kinda nice that I don't have to check in with him and argue about every little thing. But I'm still freaking mad!

I dont' want to be with him there either, but I need to hear him say he was sorry.

Sorry for being such a butthead for 8 years.
Sorry for doing and saying some of the awful things he did and said to me.
Sorry for being so "great and wonderful" to everyone else, but me.
Sorry for the harsh looks, bitter words and pregnant silences.
Sorry for not having his priorities in line when it came to our marriage.
Sorry that he didn't even acknowledge in words his feelings for me, which only leads me to believe that he didn't have them.
Sorry that he was so inconsiderate of me and my feelings when Lindsay was going through her cancer.
Sorry that he refused to design a tattoo for me, but had no problem designing one for his sister. (No offense to the sister, she had no clue).
Sorry that he complete invalidated anything that was me. And I wasn't even looking to be validated!

Scott was a man who kept it "real". Brutally "REAL". So considering this and knowing that I knew him better than anyone else, my only reality is simple - he loved me as long as I continued to love him the way I did. Completely and unconditionally. I always, always put him first. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT SCOTT!

I just always thought.... I don't even know what I always thought! Maybe that one day he would love me the same way. My bad! now he's dead and doesn't even have the opportunity to say he's sorry! Much less reciprocate any feelings!

Now that I've come face to face with the harsh reality that my husband was more often than not, a jack ass to me, and I'm finally dealing with it, he's not even around to have the chance to make it right with me. I will never hear him say to me, "I'm SORRY"! - I will not hear those words from his mouth, this side of heaven, and it makes me MAD AS HECK!

And this part really, really pisses me off! - I can't even yell at him about it. I can't even sit down and have a "heart to heart" with him about how I feel.

So this now makes me mad at myself for allowing him to devalue me.

For now that time has passed and I really, really need to hear him say to me what he assumed I knew, I don't ever get to hear those words. I will never, ever hear him say to me what he really thought, and felt about me. I can only go with what I know by his actions when he was around. And that's no picnic either!

So, I'm mad. And I'll be mad till God says differently.


Saturday, August 29, 2009

God is Good - ALL the time

Well, here I am in the middle of the "dreaded" 3 month period and God has shown me favor. He's kept me at peace, has touched the heart of my co workers and work has become more pleasurable to go to and be at.
I have found myself "clinging" to "the things of Scott". Things like the memories of when we first met and how I resisted getting involved, but did anyway. When we got our first place together, and broke up, and got back together. And just the journey we were on. It was and continues to be such a huge adventure. Things still revolve around "when Scott had his cancer" or "when Scott died". This has somehow become a time line for me.
We went through so much stuff, both good and bad and of course very bad that just forgetting him and all about "us" is completely impossibly out of the question. And now I find that I don't ever want to forget the man who taught me so much about life and how to live and love.
I will always love him to a degree that I have never and will never again love another man. I miss him so much. Much, much more than I thought I would. I cry with the heaviness of the "missing of him" but God carries me through and He allows me a time to grieve. I listened to this song. I've heard it my whole life. It's one of the "pagan" songs my parents didn't want me to listen to as a younger person and it really helped me in the process of what I'm going through.


Such a simple and old song. Who knew that it would heal part of my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm healed from this grief, I don't think I will ever be "healed" from this, but I know it's getting easier to deal with on a daily basis.

And I thank God and the people He's so wonderfully and graciously put in my life to walk with me through this process.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's been almost 3 months!

So, here it is coming up on 3 months since Scott’s passed away. I’m told by many people - friends that have experienced this, and professionals that this can be one of the worst times in the grief process. I’m not looking forward to it as it’s been pretty difficult for me already.

The immense feeling of sadness just wraps itself around my heart and mind and “takes over”. This happens at unexpected times and often inconvenient times.

The amount of grief I feel is also much more than I expected. I knew I would be sad that he’s not here with me anymore, but I didn’t think it would be such a “great” emotion.

Don't get me wrong, I have days where I've accepted that he's not here and I cherish those days for when I feel blown away that he's not just gone on a Project Mexico trip, or gone "for" a few days to visit his kids, or gone "for" fishing, but he's gone "for"ever.

Often times I wonder what it will be like when we meet again in heaven. I am really interested to see my husbands "glorified body". :-) Since all I've ever seen is one that has been ragged from drugs, alcohol and cancer.

I miss him and I’m sure I will miss him all the days I am alive on this earth.

Friday, July 17, 2009

This is about it.

I have heard this song over and over. I just want to share it because it really fits with where I'm at right now.
I have faith. I may not have much hope right now, but I have faith... faith in God. Who will bring beauty from my pain.
His promises are real. And I hold on to those promises!


Thursday, July 2, 2009

Reflections of the way we used to be....

Well, as most people know I'm moving from this apartment at the end of July. And I've been reflecting on ALL that has happened here in just 3 short years. It's been VERY emotional.

So... to help me to move forward, I decided to blog about what I'm thinking and feeling and reflecting on. Kinda like a walk in the clouds.

As I sat here one night stuck on what to pack in what box, it occurred to me that Scott would know... and yeah, I just started to cry.

Like I am now.

And I got really mad. Mad at all of it. I felt cheated, I still feel cheated. Not cheated on, but cheated out of... out of Scott being here to tell me how to do this! Cheated out of having our "retirement years" together, cheated out of having him next to me in our bed. Just plain cheated. I feel ripped off and really angry. And I cry when I'm angry. I know that's really lame, but I do. And I'm sick of crying all the time.

Every room in this place has some memories in it. Just this place alone is one huge memory. Good and bad, and I have to re-live every single memory, every single day.

You see, we moved here a month after starting to go to church at Terra Nova, then called Canyon Hills Church, so that we could be close "to the action" as Scott said. He wanted to be in on EVERYTHING! Just like his grandpa Meredith told him, "Son, if you're gonna rob a bank, take ALL the money".

I didn't want to live here. I liked living in Tustin, but once again, he was right. He had to be "in" it.

We had help from people at Canyon Hills Church that we barely knew, to move here and that was the first of many blessings bestowed upon us. And we met this crazy woman, who organized the whole thing who would would later become our best, most cherished friend.

We really couldn't afford to live here. We were stretched to the breaking point financially. I had to let go of my car that I'd just bought, because I was taught that if you can't pay for something you can't have it. And we had many, many arguments and discussions about money then. Yet through that we became closer, and stronger. Don't get me wrong it was still very difficult, but it did make us better. We found ways of making a grocery list with no more than $50.00 per week. We did free stuff. Took walks and took pictures, and just talked as we walked. Doing stuff with church... and all the while, Scott had his camera. I miss those times more than anything.

He was still pretty sick from his ITP and fatigue was a huge issue all the time. Yet he somehow found the strength to do little things for me. And for others. He cleaned the house, he emptied the cat box, made sure there was gas in the car, and that the windows were clean, just the little things you never think about. He really did make my life easier. And I miss that too.

He spent days on end doing lighting and sound for our church, our home away from home. He loved to take pictures of Kampmania, our church's version of Vacation Bible School. He LOVED those kids. And he would just tell me that Debbie and Carolyn were just plain crazy! But he'd defend them and what they did.

He'd try to "store up" sleep before he went to Project Mexico. He loved that project and in the end talked about moving to Mexico!

Okay, back to the packing stuff.... so I thought I would start packing the "non-essentials", but they're breakable. Scott would know how to pack them. Oh, yeah, Scott's not here. Anger again. I thought, I'll pack bathroom /linen stuff and then I go in there and all of the conversations when he was dying came to me. I felt sucker punched. The breath was literally kicked out of me. But I go in there every day, multiple times a day and I'm fine, but as soon as I have to pack stuff, well... you get the picture.

Here's the thing, toward the end, he was having trouble urinating. And by this time he had to have help with EVERYTHING so I'd help him to the toilet and turn on the water, and just sit on the floor in front of him. And we talked. We talked about so much stuff. And we laughed. He would make jokes about how if he couldn't pee "like regular" then could he pee from his nose?? Oh, that visual was funny!

The time on Valentine's day when he needed to bathe, but was too tired to get in the shower so I gave him a head to toe sponge bath. And he said, "This goes above and beyond the call of duty, and this is way more than you signed up for". I kissed him and reminded him of the covenant we made with God. And that this was all part of it. And told him Happy Valentine's Day.

But then he'd suddenly get serious and he'd want to smoke and I'd help him outside and light his cigarette for him so he wouldn't burn his face anymore, and he said that these were consequences for his choices and that "it is what it is". And I reminded him that he's not who he once was. And that he'd come so far. Yeah, he was still a jerk from time to time but he was so less angry, and hard. He'd become soft. Openly soft.

And even though he was scared from time to time, he was never enveloped in fear. EVER. He knew where he was going, oh, and flaunted it too. Sort of.

So I thought, I'll pack the non essntials from the bedroom... Nope, can't do that...so much happened there. And I don't mean "that" stuff. The arguments, the working it out, the after the fight lovemaking, the rearranging furniture, over and over and over. Hanging the shelves and creating a headboard from a runner rug. The love I feel when I go in there is SO strong. How can I leave that now?? Yet, I have to. I will miss this. Heck, I already miss it.

And so through all this process, I can't lift, push or pull anything more than 10 pounds. So I get stuck again... and I question God. What the heck?? I need to be busy and God gives me Ps. 46:10 - "Be still and know that I am God". But why?? Why now?? And that is really none of my business. My only business is to be obedient and to grow closer to God. And then of course I ask myself, "Aren't I close enough". No, I'm not. He's not finished with me yet.

So today, I taped all the boxes I have, I got some newspaper, and I'm set... sort of. I've packed a total of 2 boxes. Tonight will be much more productive.

Still, I go from room to room, remembering all that happened between us and the growth that happened in Scott, in me and in our relationship and in our relationship with God. He loved to read the Bible and get more knowledge.

And here's the really hard one to remember without tears...
I walk in the front door, every day, and I remember January 23rd, 2007, and I remember him waiting for me that day he emailed me and asked me to marry him. I was at work, and I got that email, in the largest possible font, and I wouldn't, couldn't answer him via email.

We both said we'd never get married again. It was just too much, and too painful for both of us. Yet here we were, after many years of trouble and turmoil and only a year of bliss, and he wanted to get married. He wanted to get freaking married??? "WTF-over!"I couldn't tell him I would via email... it just wasn't "okay" with me. So when I got home, and I came in the door and he was waiting for me, he said, "Well???" And of course I had to be difficult and said, "Well what"? And he got so mad... and I laughed and said, "Of course, what did you think, I'd say, no"?

And he proceeded to arrange EVERYTHING. The email invites, the location, the cake, Jon Hall to do it, everything. All I had to do was find a dress. And it was done the way Scott wanted it done, no fuss, no muss. And so everytime I walk in here I remember that moment. And how much our lives changed in the last 2 plus years. We struggled but I watched God do a huge work in him. And in me. He became this generous, loving, kind, giving wonderful person to other people, and doing that he became softer and kinder to me. I have no doubt that he loved me... the best he could. And I know, he knows that I loved him the best I could.
And having said all that....


And now I have to leave that behind and turn the page to the new chapter and it's so hard. It's so incredibly bittersweet! I don't want to do this, but I have to do this. I HAVE TO DO THIS!

Monday, June 29, 2009

The Last Day.

I’m not sure why but I just feel like it’s time and it’s important to share Scott’s last day on earth with everyone who may read this. It was sad, but it was so incredible. God made His presence known more on this day than any other day.

It started out, “same old, same old”. I knew today would be the day he died, his nurse, Cara had seen this for 11 years and she knew it would be today. I was wrestling with what the actual event would look like. I had never experienced this before. I had no idea what to expect.

Back track – Febuary – When Scott decided to stop the cancer treatments, he asked, begged me to not cry when he died because he knew he was going to a better place. There was no way that I could honor that wish and I told him so. He simply said, “I cannot die until you aren’t crying”. I didn’t know the depth of his determination about this.

We had a rough weekend, prior to his death and I had to make decisions I really didn’t want to have to make. But he’d “turned the corner” and it was all on me now. Such a huge burden! So this day was like the day before, no activity. He was sedated and hadn’t moved a muscle for 3 days. I washed his face ( I told him he couldn’t meet the angels with a dirty face!) and tried to keep him as comfortable as I could.

I knew he was going to die and I had to pick songs for his memorial service, so I just turned on his Ipod and let the music play. I watched for any reactions from him and there were none…
Then after I had a shower, his mom, Lola said, “He’s awake”. I took 2 steps to his side and he flung his arms like he was trying to swim to the surface and made sounds like he was afraid and grasping for air. After about 10-15 minutes he calmed down and we breathed a sigh of relief. “Crisis averted”.

I didn’t know what that was all about until just recently. I read a book called “Experiencing Grief” and there was a passage I read from Psalms 18: 16-19. It’s meant for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but it really just deeply affected me and explained what “that episode” was all about.
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; and drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy. From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me“.

THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME NOW. There is no doubt that Scott is with Jesus.

Anyway, the day progressed and I was dreading the evening. Cara, his nurse had already come twice that day and said it would most likely be “tonight”. Lola and I kept a bedside vigil. He was never left alone for 1 second. She’d take a break, and I’d stay, or I’d take a break and she’d stay. Or we both just sat with him. Telling him we loved him, telling him how many people loved him. We kept him cool, as he had a fever, we watched for any signs that he was aware we were there. But there was very little. He’d make some facial expressions, but that was about it.

Then about 5 ish, Lola went outside to take a break and to call Ann. I stayed there, listening to the 315 songs on his Ipod. We were on ELO (one of his favorite groups) and a song called “Just for Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=160Li03Y2Fo started to play.

I just happened to look over at him and his eyes were open and he was clearly focused on me. He tried to say, “hey or Honey”, not sure, but I went to his head and took his hand. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped for the 1st time. I called to Lola, and she came. Then the phone rang, it was Cara. She arrived in about 10 minutes and announced, “yep, it’s time”. And I was crying and just a mess. He started to breathe again before Cara arrived so I didn’t know what to think!~ She said we wait. She said to Scott after he stopped breathing the 2nd time, “Scott, Dude, what are you doing? It’s all okay now.” And of course I was crying and he started to breathe again and his heart beat was stronger and faster, not weaker and slower so we didn’t know what to think. He stopped breathing again, now the 3rd time and his heart stopped again, and we waited… I cried, and we waited. He started breathing again! At this point Lola noticed that his tumor was turning white! The secondary tumors were paper white, and the main tumor which was once SCARLET RED was turning to the same color as his skin! The blood was draining from the tumor – praise God. We really had to watch that and be prepared for it to burst.

I suddenly had to use the bathroom. Cara said, “Go, quick.”. While there, I prayed that God would give me peace. And He did. It felt like warm oil was flowing over me and suddenly I had the strength to get through this. I washed my face and came out of the room. Cara and Lola looked at me and asked if I was alright. I must have looked different or something, I just said, “yep, I’m at peace, we’re good.” I went to Scott’s side and kissed him long on his forehead and said, “Ha, Ha, I’m not crying now”. He took his last breath and his heart stopped for the last time, and went to be with the Lord. Everything remained calm.

Just like Scott would have said in times of drama and excitement – “everyone remain calm”.

And God’s peace and calm was with us through the night.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Moving on...

I'm very sad today....

I went back to work today and did my very best, but I just kept thinking that I'm moving on, but I'm moving on without my husband and this really, really makes me sad. I hate what I'm doing.... it just seems so meaningless. So stupid... they complain that their colors of their logo don't match. The green is a shade off..... Oh who FREAKING cares. Get over it.
I just can't be a good servant there. Because I really don't care if your colors are off... "do you know my husband just died!!!!" No, I didn't say that but... I wanted to.

I found this song today that just reminded me of Scott... and I miss him so much.


And so I continue to push "rewind- stop - play" and wonder at the seeds that were planted because of what he did and that we just let others come and see our "pain" and our joy.

And as we continued to just leap from moment of faith to moment of faith.... and watched as God performed His great wonders.

And as sad as it is... God does miracles. Not necessarily the ones we wanted, but miracles nonetheless.

Through this, his children witnessed his faith in God, and saw so much that I'm sure they are now thinking about God and all that goes with knowing God. His oldest daughter made contact, okay a little late, but I REALLY want her to be reintroduced to the man he became rather than the man that she remembers.

I only want what God wants and I continue to hear Him speak....


I'm resting in "His Holiness"

But I'm still very sad. The tears flow freely tonight.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I Will Still Love You, Lord.

I had this plan that I would go back to work on June 1st. Silly me… to be making such lofty plans for myself. Well, God had and still has different plans for me. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect this past few days on what God would have me do this week…. I’ve had time to “rewind-stop-play, fast forward-stop-play” over and over about the last 6 months since Scott’s cancer diagnosis and my daughter, Shannon told me, “Mom, don’t worry, your rewind will break”. And I wasn’t really “worried” because I know its all part of the grieving process. I’ve read some things about grief and how you fight it or just go with the roll of the wave. And I’ve found that it’s much easier, in a sense, to just roll with it.

And I decided to just be open to the Lord and whatever His plan was for me. Not only this past week but for my life. And I know that this isn’t going to be the easiest thing for me to do, since I tend to be stubborn in a few areas where “I think I know what’s best”. Well… honestly, it turns out, I know NOTHING!

Everything just keeps coming back to me… from the time He found me and brushed me off and set me on this new path 10 years ago. And I’ve seen God’s hand in my life so much clearer.

From even before I knew Him. And I stand in awe and amazement at the wonder of it all.

Fast Forward to current day – and this comes back to Scott’s cancer diagnosis and how much I thought I could “control” the situations around me. But if you knew Scott you knew he likes to take charge of his own life unless it’s God telling him what to do. I had a hard time with Scott taking a very non proactive stance with the hospital personnel or doctors. He never pushed for a sooner appointment, but he did ask the tough questions. The ones a person doesn’t really want to know the answer to. I was extremely frustrated with his attitude and his lack of action regarding his care.

Then a dear, sweet friend, and you know who you are, invited me to her home to “talk”. And proceeded to tell me that I was being a pain in the ass! Of course I tried to argue this, but she was showing me that Scott wasn’t a child, he was a grown man capable of making his own decisions – right or wrong. CRAP!!!

And she taught me to “just be”. Be in the moment, don’t fight the moment. If anyone knows me they know that this was IMPOSSIBLE for me to do. At least in my own power.

And I found out that I really knew nothing about what was coming our way. I’d never heard of Squamous Cell Carcinoma in my life. So I did my diligent duty by researching everything I could find on the subject. But I still didn’t know exactly what would take place. Scott’s tumor was on his neck. It started in his throat and grew outward. And it got HUGE quickly. It was non-operable. But it was also all over the inside of his body. At the rate the visible tumors were growing and appearing the tumors inside his body were growing.

I reviewed the lab reports, and looked at the MRI films. It was overwhelming to me.

Scott just kept saying over and over, “It’s in God’s Hands”. And he really, truly believed it. Which then forced me to take a look at that too…. And you know what, I came to really, truly believe it as well. Not because I liked anything that was happening, but I kept seeing God in things every day. God made Himself VERY visible during this horrible ordeal.

Scott decided to do treatment, even though it was stage 4 and due to his current health status, this was going to be very difficult for him. And I knew, by what I believe was the power of the Holy Spirit, that he wouldn’t be able to finish treatment.

And so it came to be. Scott decided that he didn’t want to die from “complications of cancer treatment”.

Then we watched as the tumor shrank, and we had this hope that God was giving Scott the miracle he prayed for, but it came back with a vengeance and it stole everything from Scott.

As Scott proceeded to get worse and worse he still wanted people to come and sit and visit. Even when he couldn’t stay awake more than 5 or 10 minutes at a time. People were so loving and patient and waited for him to wake up. And this was a blessing for me too, most of the time anyway.

The visits from other people afforded me the luxury of leaving the apartment even for a few minutes to walk the dog, or check the mail. The wonderful people of our church, Terra Nova, did their due diligence too. We had meals brought to us, we had some people come, lay out the food and “sup” with us. What a huge blessing that was for us. We were able to get to know people in ways we never would have. And Scott just kept pointing out that all of this was in God’s own Hands. His statement throughout was, “God’s got this, God’s still got this”. We had people do our laundry - you guys know who you are! Kudos to you!!! We had people bring us mocha's and just "hang out". Turns out they were blessed by blessing us. What a concept!

Throughout this process, there were times of sheer joy and times of sheer frustration.

Sometimes all at the same time.

Scott always kept us laughing. Even down to when he couldn’t even communicate very well. You see, there was the other tumor, the one that wasn’t big at all, that was our “troublemaker”. It rested on Scott’s ceratoid artery and was keeping the blood from getting to his brain and Scott could no longer form thought into word. And again, if you knew Scott you know that he always had much to say. So I know how very trying this was for him. But he still kept me laughing. That was one solid constant with Scott… he always laughed at the stupidest things and could make me laugh right along with him. He knew if he could make me laugh, the danger was over.

Scott fought every “new thing” that had to happen. New meds were suspicious, getting the hospital bed in here for him was a big battle that was fought in our living room with the nurse, his mom, Lola, me and our friend Sharon. He really lost his temper with Sharon and later hugged her and apologized. It was a touching moment – hard but touching. He finally ok’d the bed, but NO WHITE SHEETS – so Lola went and got him black sheets, and a back up Ivory pair. He hated using the oxygen, but did use it more and more. He questioned the pain pump. And I’ll never forget the look on his face (the saddest look I've ever seen in my life) when he needed to have a catheter put in.

After that the care of him became harder and easier at the same time. It was at this point that he was so agitated that he had to be treated for the agitation. Because agitation is like pain.
However - Side effect – sedation.
How I HATED having to make that call. I knew I was taking complete control of everything that was the essence of Scott.

How I cried, yet God held fast to me. In the times that I was frustrated, confused and tormented by the decisions I was making God was there holding on to me, because He knew I couldn’t hold on to Him. He put people before me to help me in the big and the small of its. Lola, my wonderful mother in law who tried to do everything she could to make life as I knew it easier. The laundry cart, the cleaning up and just the awesome support. She backed me up every step of the way.

Cara, Scott’s nurse who is now a member of our family – how God knew it was going to take her with her personality to overcome the challenges Scott presented. And she not only overcame those challenges, but she got Scott to love her... and he SO LOVED her. She was here on her days off too. Just to check him and “be” with us. She supported me in different ways than Lola did. But God put so many people here to support us. Pastors John Reed and Lyle Castellaw, people we didn’t even really know became “fixtures” in our home.

Again, I stand in awe and amazement. Okay, I sometimes sit in awe and amazement. How He used the smallest consequence for His purposes was just a total “wow” to watch.

In the “beginning of the end” Scott knew without a shadow of a doubt how much he was loved. Not only by God, but by all the people whose lives he touched. And there were plenty of them. He never realized that some of the smallest things he did touched people in a way that they would never be the same again. He did that with me so I know it to be true.

So now again, reflecting on everything from the beginning of Scott’s illness I can say without a shadow of a doubt that God is present. He is present in it all. And God has touched me in powerful ways I never saw coming. He was with me in that last hour of Scott’s life when I begged Him to be with me “right here, right now” and His peace just washed over me so that I could stop crying so Scott could go home to be with Him.

You see, Scott hated to see me cry. The day after he decided to stop treatment he asked me not to cry when he died. I told him that his request was unreasonable and unrealistic. But that I would try…. Well…. Helloooo….if I didn’t cry there would have been something terribly amiss.

And I cried that last hour every time he stopped breathing and his heart stopped I cried hysterically. That’s when I begged our God, “Right here, right now” and He gave me the peace that only He could give me and finally I whispered to Scott, “Ha ha, I’m not crying now” and he took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. But God didn’t let His peace stop there… the calmness and peace in our home was felt by everyone here. There was no drama or theatrics. No hysterical crying or moaning. Just peace. And later, much laughter. You can't be in a room with all of my daughters and not laugh.

Cara, Scott’s beloved nurse assured me that I took such great care of him and that I should write a book about how to properly care for a dying hospice patient. Well, I kept thinking about that and the only thing that stands in the way is that people have to know and believe in God. They have to allow the Holy Spirit to dwell in them so that they can love that person unconditionally because without the Power of God a person truly CANNOT love another person unconditionally.

This is a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp. You have to be able to trust and obey a Being you cannot touch and feel. It was hard for me to do, but I really believed that my God is a great big God and I knew that I could trust Him and Him alone to get me through the hardest parts.

So, that being said, I may do some kind of “book” but I’ll let God dictate it. Because, without Him, I am NOTHING. I know NOTHING, and I’m NOTHING.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way!

I will still love You, Lord, I will still love You!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

In Loving Memory...

Today is 2 full weeks since Scott passed away and in loving memory of him I am writing this post.
He became such a wonderful man. Yes, it was still challenging to be in a relationship with him but that kept me grounded. He kept me "real". He expected much from me and I can only hope that I met his expectations. The really screwed up part about his passing is that he finally became the man and husband I knew he could be and that was so short lived. Why does that happen!?
Today I miss him more than I have in the last 2 weeks. I watched him fade away as the cancer slowly/quickly took EVERYTHING from him. First it took his energy, then his appetite, then more energy, then his reasoning abilities, then his control. I had to take control for him and I know that was the hardest thing for him. I had to do things for him that he would refer to as "above and beyond the call of duty". But I did it with so much love in my heart - not only for him but for the God we worship.

This whole process was a huge test of faith. Not only mine, but his as well, but until the end, when he could no longer process his thoughts into words, he kept saying, "God's still got this". And I'm reminded today that this is very true.

Even though I'm terribly sad today, I still love the LORD with all my heart and I feel His presence in my home and in my life. He has new plans for me now. I'm not sure what they are, but I know this to be solidly true. And whatever those plans are I'm sure Scott would say, "Just go for it".

He really believed in living on the edge and do what you think God would have you do and do it with everything you have. Scott did everything, right down to the very end just the way he wanted to. He went on his last trip to Mexico on just God's strength because he really believed that this is what God wanted him to do.

Kristen and I were having a conversation about it the other day and I told her that I just kept reliving all of it over and over in my head and so I know this means that I need to put it all down on paper - that will be the next blog, I think. It might be edited some, but Scott's story needs to be told. Not just of his "colorful" past, but rather from where his "life" really started and how it all came to be for a "time such as this".

So, in honor of Scott today, I will try really hard not to cry (much). And I'll remember all the good times and adventures we had together. And there were plenty!

Scott, I miss you and I will always miss you.
And I will always love you the best.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Nothing is too hard for you

Okay, so just when I think I just can’t do this anymore…. I’m too tired, I’m too emotional, I’m too (_____fill in the blank ____) and I’m crying out to God to “do something” I get this devotional from Greg Laurie, pastor of Harvest.

Jeremiah 32:17 – There is nothing too hard for you.

“Is God's power limited? Scripture tells us over and over that God is omnipotent, which means all-powerful. Even when Job was in pain and distress, he said to the Lord, " 'I know that You can do all things. No plan of Yours can be thwarted' " (Job 42:2 NIV).The prophet Jeremiah proclaimed God's power: " 'Ah, Lord God! Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and outstretched arm. There is nothing too hard for You' " (Jeremiah 32:17).
The archangel Gabriel reassured Mary by saying, " 'With God nothing will be impossible' " (Luke 1:37).
Now you see how silly it is when we say something like, "I have tried everything, and now all I can do is pray." Now all you can do is turn to the all-powerful God, the Creator of the universe, who happens to love you a lot. What do you mean, that's all you can do? That's the first thing you should do. Before we do anything else, we should turn our troubles over to God, because nothing is too hard for Him. Nothing is impossible. Nothing is beyond His reach. Nothing is beyond His ability.”

So, this is God’s way of saying to me – I see your pain…. But again, when I am weak, He is so strong. This theme has been present throughout my life and even more so these days.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Now I get it - maybe...

Before I get into this new "thought" that I'm going to share, I have to say that Scott's had a rough couple of days. He had what the Hospice RN called a "pain crisis". That would be putting it mildly - it was more like a pain storm. He's better today but each time something else happens it diminishes him even further and I am in a constant state of anxious anticipation and apprehension. I never know what the next moment is going bring. I never know if I'm going to sleep through the night. I don't know that I'll ever sleep through the night again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - I'm just "tellin' it like it is".

This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!

So anyway, onto my thoughts....

On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;

"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."

So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!

So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.

Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!

Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??

Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.

So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...

Saturday, March 21, 2009


I wrote in my last blog that when I am at my weakest moment God is strong. And I’ve had to really focus on that exclusively over the last few months. I’ve had to focus on that I know what I know. And what I know is that God knows exactly where I am, what’s going on in my mind and my heart. He knows how I feel and continues to give me such great comfort and peace.

I’ve asked him to be with me, and he said to me, very clearly – I AM.

WOW! Here’s the God part - a friend sent me this song and I broke down and cried. Just that God would use people around me to relay His messages when I doubt I heard Him.

He continues to put a song on my heart most mornings, and puts people before me to let me know that He is here. He knows my needs. I have not to want or need for anything. God is making sure that any “need” we have is being met. God is so GREAT! And so powerfully strong!!!

Oh Lord, please forgive me for doubting that I hear you.

I’ve come to realize that those times when I think I’m strong all by myself I’m really not doing that in my own power. It’s God’s Power only. And I feel like Peter – you know that time when Peter saw Jesus on the water – walking on the water and He called to Peter and Peter kept his eyes on Jesus and walked on water –only when he took his eyes off Jesus did he start to fall into the water. And even still God rescued him. And that’s how I feel sometimes. When I take my eyes off him for a moment and drown in the abyss of this life that is mine, He steps in, picks me out of it, dries me off and encourages me with His peace to look forward.

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of Saturdays ago and she asked me if I had thought of what I was going to do after Scott died. Because regardless of my confusion, he is going to die. At first I didn’t know what to think or to say and I tried to come off as I knew what I was going to do, but instead I cried. Just plain cried… because I honestly don’t have a clue as to what I’m going to do. I don't even know why I cried, I can only guess that I needed to and I felt safe enough with my friend to just cry.

I say I’m ready, but then I doubt that I am. Can anyone ever be ready for the death of a loved one?? Even when I know that his death could happen at any time now, I wonder if I’m really ready. Not just for the death part, but for the after the death part. Am I ready?? I don’t know, but God knows.

And again, when I am weak, He is strong. He is so strong!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I’ve had several discussions with my friends about faith and what my faith looks like. Well, it’s kind of hard not to talk about that because my life has always been about faith. It’s been a journey of faith long before I even knew what true faith was. But, this experience has really been a lesson in faith.

Both of my study groups are discussing faith – in my Saturday morning group – this is the main topic – in my Wednesday night group, it’s about women of faith. So the topic of faith is always on my mind and in my heart. Plus I’m reading a book about Extraordinary Faith by Sheila Walsh.

Scott’s upset with what my faith looks like, because my faith isn’t in God giving Scott a miracle healing. That’s not to say that I don’t believe that He could, but I cannot make my faith look like Scott’s faith. It’s like both of us standing in a mirror. We both look different, so does our faith.

This fact used to bother me, but it doesn’t now. I am a different person and so therefore my faith is going to look different too.

Here’s what my faith looks like – My faith is in what is “of God”.

This cancer is not “of God”. This cancer is evil. God is not evil. So this is not of God, so my faith is not in this cancer “going away”. My faith is in that the God of this universe (not of this world, but of the universe) has allowed this thing to happen to us for whatever reason and my faith is that God will use this to His Glory. To let others see that He is present in this with us. Getting us through it.

And part of this is also that we suffer the consequences of our own choices. Scott has smoked for over 30 years. Smoking is proven to cause cancer. In his past he’s abused drugs and alcohol, alcohol and cigarettes together have been scientifically proven to cause this particular kind of cancer. I don’t know if God will “save” him on this earth from the consequences of his own choices. That remains to be seen. But I know we all suffer the consequences of our own choices in one way or another. My faith is that God has saved him from eternal death. Scott will get to be with Christ in heaven.

My faith is that God is with me through this. He continues to give me strength, peace – overwhelmingly, and wisdom (even when I don’t think to ask for it). He continues to put people and things in my life that lift me up and support me.

There are times when I’m so incredibly weak and stumble and fall over this whole experience and He is there to just comfort me, to whisper to me “sweet nothings”, and to assure and reassure me that all is not lost. He is MOST faithful to me when I’m weak. During my weakest times He proves to me that He is strong. And that’s another thing that I want people to see through all this hardship that I’m going through. I’m not the strong one in this. God is holding me up, you just can’t see it. Or sometimes you only see it through those people he puts in my life that hold me up and comfort me.

And I can’t even imagine trying to get through something like this without my God. How do people who don’t believe in our wonderful God get through this kind of experience? How do people get through this without the hope that we have????

The tears still come. Sometimes they come and don’t stop and other times they come at the most inappropriate times. But I don’t fear them now. And I don’t fight them either. I know that this is God’s way of letting some of the stress out of me. It’s like having a water balloon that’s too full. It just starts to leak and that’s what’s happening. Sometimes I leak. And sometimes this feels like I’m going crazy. There will be a blog on that soon too!!!

My faith is that even when Scott’s body dies , his spirit will live forever with Christ and we will always have what we’ve had. And we will meet again. And when we do I know that he’ll have some smart ass statement about all this and we will laugh and laugh about all of the stupid petty stuff we let ourselves worry about now. I look forward to that time.

So, that’s where my hope is and that is what my faith looks like – heaven.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Just some thoughts.

I keep saying I’m going to start writing stuff down and then all of a sudden something else happens and I distracted. Or I just don’t want to share what I’m feeling and thinking. I don't think this is going to change any time soon.
Scott decided on Sunday morning to stop the cancer treatments. The side effects from the treatment came on too soon and were/are still brutal. what should have happened in about 10 days, started happening in 2-3 days. The soreness in his mouth didn’t compare to the sore throat. The weight loss was HUGE. The loss of appetite, the saliva disappearing, the taste buds being fried and the sore throat all led to the weight loss.

We’ve had so many conversations about so many things that there’s no way I can write down and put into words the emotions that go with all of this. No one can truly prepare you for this period of time! I was telling a friend of ours last night that I didn’t think I needed to be prepared for this yet. I thought I had plenty of time to make decisions like the ones I’ve had to make lately. I thought once I retired I would think about this kind of thing. But here I am, facing this giant. This big, bad-ass, ugly evil thing called cancer. Yes, it’s evil and it’s nasty. This can only be of Satan.

How can sadness and joy live together in the same moment, I don’t know but I know that it does. I live it every minute of every day.

As I lay awake in the middle of the night and listen to my husband breathe, I wonder if today will be the day. Will I be ready? And then he wakes up and it’s not today, not yet. And I can breathe a sigh of relief. He’s happy and sick at the same time. And I'm happy he's happy, and I'm sad he's sick - all at the same time.

I try to have faith in the miracle that he so desires. His faith never wavers – if God chooses to let him live longer he will, if he doesn’t then he gets to go home. He's fine with whatever God decides to do.

Here's the other side of it: then he’s not here for me to “play” with. There’s joy that he will no longer be miserable but then there’s the “selfish” sadness that he won’t be here anymore either.

I’m reminded of when I was a small child about age 6 or 7 and my very best friend in the whole world moved very far away. I was happy they were getting a new house but I was sad that I wouldn’t see her again and we wouldn't get to talk and play anymore. I was never the same after that.

That’s what this feels like only there is that joy that I will see him again in heaven when it’s my turn to come up and “play” with him and Jesus. But while I'm here, I'll never be the same again.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Adventure in Faith

Since I worked and studied hard for our Alpha Omega group topical study on faith and couldn't make it to the study at thought I could at least post it on the blog. I took some liberties and took out a few things and added a few things.

Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.

I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.

There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.

We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.

Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?

Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??

King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.

What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.

So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.

What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.

(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )

But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.

I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –

1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust

I like # 4 the best.

I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:

The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”

I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Good Shepherd

So, here we are staring Stage 4 cancer in the face and even though God’s Word says more than 350 times “do not fear” in my human-ness/sinfulness - I fear. What I’m seeing is HUGE and it’s UGLY. Here's the latest news... If Scott does nothing, no treatment, he has 1 month or less. With treatment, he has 3 months, maybe more, but most of that 3 months will be hell due to the therapy. But we’re kind of stuck. The alternative is worse and it would be “messy”. And it’s scary looking. I wonder what King David was really thinking when he was looking up at Goliath.
I have wonderful friends that continue to lift my spirits with their words, prayers, and deeds.

And without them in my life things would be SO incredibly different. I had coffee with one of those friends last Saturday. We both have enjoyed some of the same movies and books and we are in a bible study together and yet often have very conflicting points of view. But, we love each other enough to respect those views. Anyway, we were talking about a recent favorite movie of mine that I am often blessed by called “Facing the Giants”. There’s a scene in the movie that she reminded me of and I believe this was “inspired by God”- where the “hall prayer” tells the main character the story of 2 farmers who were praying for rain. One of them didn’t prepare his fields and the other did. They both got the rain, but the one who prepared his field was rewarded for his faith. My friend pointed out that I’ve done all the research and preparation I can do ( I don’t know if I’m quite done but I get her point ) and now I need to wait for the rain. WOW!! More waiting, but I’m reminded to “have faith in the waiting”. To honor God in the waiting. Yes, Lord, I will still love you.

I’m also reading a book I’ve read several times before by a favorite author of mine, Phillip Keller, called “A Shepherd looks at Psalms 23”. Each time I read it I’m comforted or something just ministers to me and I’m totally BLESSED! And I came across a couple of paragraphs that really supported what my friend was saying to me on Saturday.

This book is really a comparison of sheep and humans and their individual nature. How we humans are really so much like sheep in our very nature. We, like sheep don’t rest if there’s any threat or discomfort.

Page 37- Ps. 23:2
“He maketh me to lie down...”

“In the Christian’s life there is no substitute for the keen awareness that my Shepherd is nearby. There is nothing like Christ’s presence to dispel the fear, the panic the terror of the unknown."

My friend and I were talking about the unknown and how frightening that is and then I read the above and the below. WOW again!

“We live a most uncertain life. Any hour can bring disaster, danger and distress from unknown quarters. Life is full of hazards. No one can tell what a day will produce in new trouble. We live either in a sense of anxiety, fear and foreboding, or in a sense of quiet rest. Which is it?
Generally it is the “unknown”, the “unexpected” that produces the greatest panic. It is in the grip of fear that most of us are unable to cope with the cruel circumstances and harsh complexities of life. We feel they are foes which endanger our tranquility. Often our first impulse is simply to get up and run from them.

Then in the midst of our misfortunes there suddenly comes the awareness that He, the Christ, the Good Shepherd is there. It makes all the difference. His presence in the picture throws a different light on the whole scene. Suddenly things are not half so black nor nearly so terrifying. The outlook changes and there is hope. I find myself delivered from fear. Rest returns and I can relax”. Just like sheep.

So here I am, “Baaahhhhing” away at my Goliath and my Lord comes into the picture. He’s really always been here I just didn’t see Him as clearly as I do right now. His presence comforts me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still somewhat fearful. I am still doubtful, He’s working with me on that one too.
Some days are good and some days, not so much. I have more good than bad days lately. I’m still very sad, but I know that He is there and nothing that comes upon me hasn’t already gone through Him first.

“If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him”.

And finally, my dearest friend in the world right now, sent me this song that was SO appropriate that I had to share it with you. Please click on the link and close your eyes and just listen. Just listen.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

WAIT for it.

Okay, so everyone knows that Scott has cancer. And that it’s very serious. I’m in a situation where my perspective is completely different than his.
I’ve actually written a lengthy dissertation on it, just to get it off my chest and to validate what I was feeling and thinking. I may post it one day. I don’t know.

It was during a conversation I had with Scott in the wee hours of the A.M., (aka; "who-am") yesterday about his feelings on what’s going on. He seems, to me, to have been much less “concerned” than I have been. He probably freaks out when I'm at work.
Yep, wrote about that too, but his comment to me seems to indicate back to me that he is concerned, but doesn’t seem to despair about it. He said, what he’s said from the beginning, “this is in God’s hands”. And he seems to have a peace about it. I on the other hand didn’t start out with that peace at all, and still struggle with having peace, but I’m learning to lean on God and allow Him to give me that peace. I have good days and I have bad days.

As we come up on the appointed time to meet with his oncologist, Dr. Cheng, tomorrow morning at 9AM, the air around me is pregnant with anticipation. Or maybe it’s just me. I feel the anxiousness of getting the final diagnosis, and then having conversations about what to do next, depending on what the outcome of the lung biopsy is. I have tons of questions and God has given me enough sense to write them down because I will forget when the time comes to ask them.

We are relying heavily on the prayers of our friends and family. And our friends, that are more like family than our family, have encouraged me in my deepest times of despair. One person in particular has allowed me the room, the space, and the ability to just cry, brought me a box of tissue and didn’t try to change the subject, then fed me soup. She let me vent even when my venting didn’t make any sense to me at the time, but she’s been through something similar and so she “knows”. She let me have my very own private “freak out” session.

God has given me strength – but He gives it to me sparingly and daily only. Like manna from heaven. Only enough for today, not extra to save up for later. He continues to put people in my life and in my daily “paths” that encourage me, or say something that is so profoundly supportive that I’m speechless, and they probably don’t even know how much their words meant to me in that very moment.

I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.

Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!

How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.

Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it.

I just watched a movie a couple of weeks ago for the 2nd time with Scott, it was called “Facing the Giants”. The first time it was great but the 2nd time, WOW! What a powerful movie, but one line in the movie that kept getting repeated is the line I woke up with today. “If we win, we praise Him. If we lose, we praise Him. No matter what, we praise Him." Then another line from the movie, where the husband asks his wife, “If God doesn’t give you a baby, will you still love Him”? Yep, I cry even as I type this. So I had to ask myself, if God doesn’t spare my husband’s life will I still love Him. Of course I will. It will be hard, so hard. But I know that this will be a "hind-sight" moment, where you look back on your life and say to yourself, "oh, I see, I get it now".

I hate the not knowing. I like to prepare for things. And God knows this about me. So He continually puts things in my path that knock the air out of my sails and I have to “back up 6 steps and punt” (another line from “Facing the Giants”). In His own way, He’s preparing me. I don’t get to have an active role, with the exception that I have to be obedient and “wait on Him”.

So here I am, listening to music that touches my soul and remembering conversations with my friends and my children and letting the Lord comfort me and give me my manna, His strength daily.
And staying connected to Him. Clinging to Him. He is the Vine, I am but a branch, clinging to Him.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Life's Bouncing Ball.

Okay, so I was thinking today when I was trying to nap and couldn’t fall asleep that life is like a ball.

It’s bouncing between God and me.

Most of the time it’s bouncing pretty good, regardless of the trials I face and joys I'm experiencing. Something happens, I bounce it up and then He says, “You can do this, I’m here with you”, and bounces it back. It gets hard to deal with life and its tragedies and I bounce it back and he bounces it for me for awhile and then bounces it back.

Then wonderful things are happening and the ball goes back and forth quickly as I share my highs with the Lord and He is just as pleased as I am and bounces it back, “Here, see how I’ve blessed you”.

You get the idea…

Then like every other human being I know, I get distracted and turn my spiritual eyes away from Him and drop the damn thing and it goes rolling away. This is when I find I’m freaking out and I’m emotionally and spiritually out of control.

How strange that this happens during the times when I need to stay focused on God and paying attention.

What happens?? Why do I do that?? I get so frustrated! I feel so foolish.

My own frustration/foolishness level rises and I give up, of course, till He quietly calls me back again. He is faithful even and more so, when I am not. And I'm thinking about "mustard seeds" here.

Then I ask myself why do I lose faith?? What happens to my head that the first thing I do is regress to old ways?? Back to the old ways of trying to “work it out on my own”, and the last thing I do is bounce it back up to Him, when He’s waiting right there to catch it.

I know I need to be more disciplined, especially now! Discipline has never been my strong point. I know I have some discipline, but I often wonder where I got that. Then I heard a song today by Nicole C. Mullin called "One Touch" and it was about just touching the hem of His garment. Yep, started to cry!!! I hate it when that happens! But at the same time I needed that to happen.


That's how I feel today, that all I have right now is the strength to just touch the hem.

So here I am tossing the life ball back to Him and knowing that He’s going to catch it, put a bit strength on it, and toss it back to me.