I keep saying I’m going to start writing stuff down and then all of a sudden something else happens and I distracted. Or I just don’t want to share what I’m feeling and thinking. I don't think this is going to change any time soon.
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Scott decided on Sunday morning to stop the cancer treatments. The side effects from the treatment came on too soon and were/are still brutal. what should have happened in about 10 days, started happening in 2-3 days. The soreness in his mouth didn’t compare to the sore throat. The weight loss was HUGE. The loss of appetite, the saliva disappearing, the taste buds being fried and the sore throat all led to the weight loss.
We’ve had so many conversations about so many things that there’s no way I can write down and put into words the emotions that go with all of this. No one can truly prepare you for this period of time! I was telling a friend of ours last night that I didn’t think I needed to be prepared for this yet. I thought I had plenty of time to make decisions like the ones I’ve had to make lately. I thought once I retired I would think about this kind of thing. But here I am, facing this giant. This big, bad-ass, ugly evil thing called cancer. Yes, it’s evil and it’s nasty. This can only be of Satan.
How can sadness and joy live together in the same moment, I don’t know but I know that it does. I live it every minute of every day.
As I lay awake in the middle of the night and listen to my husband breathe, I wonder if today will be the day. Will I be ready? And then he wakes up and it’s not today, not yet. And I can breathe a sigh of relief. He’s happy and sick at the same time. And I'm happy he's happy, and I'm sad he's sick - all at the same time.
I try to have faith in the miracle that he so desires. His faith never wavers – if God chooses to let him live longer he will, if he doesn’t then he gets to go home. He's fine with whatever God decides to do.
Here's the other side of it: then he’s not here for me to “play” with. There’s joy that he will no longer be miserable but then there’s the “selfish” sadness that he won’t be here anymore either.
I’m reminded of when I was a small child about age 6 or 7 and my very best friend in the whole world moved very far away. I was happy they were getting a new house but I was sad that I wouldn’t see her again and we wouldn't get to talk and play anymore. I was never the same after that.
That’s what this feels like only there is that joy that I will see him again in heaven when it’s my turn to come up and “play” with him and Jesus. But while I'm here, I'll never be the same again.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Adventure in Faith
Since I worked and studied hard for our Alpha Omega group topical study on faith and couldn't make it to the study at thought I could at least post it on the blog. I took some liberties and took out a few things and added a few things.
Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.
I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.
There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.
We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.
Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?
Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??
King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.
What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.
So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.
What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.
(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )
But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.
I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –
1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust
I like # 4 the best.
I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:
The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”
I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”
Faith was a God inspired topic to study for our group.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this topic since my faith seems to be going through it's own test. And because Ronda, in her wisdom, suggested we have topical studies for a while.
I think life has been a constant test. A daily test, a test that has gone on my entire life, before I even knew the Lord, and even more so since He found me.
There are so many times where I can look back and say, “Oh, I get it- I see now”. But I really didn’t know at that particular moment that I was being tested. And sometimes I feel like it’s easier to go through a test that is HUGE than it is when they’re simple or small.
We all have days or “times” in our lives where it’s very obvious that our faith is being tested, but what about the times we don’t even realize when we’re being tested.
Like the trip to the grocery store and we’re held up by a person crossing the street-slowly, and we’re in a hurry. What about that homeless person we see every day on freeway off ramp? What about that precious child with no hair from cancer treatments?
Do we offer patience and a smile or do we turn away? What if these are angels, sent down from heaven to make sure we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing – stepping out in faith, doing the right thing, helping out a stranger, being patient with someone, smiling at a sick child, and their parents.
These are small examples of faith. Some of the most difficult things to do are really the easiest things to do.
Here are some things / tests that I’ve been thinking about recently:
Did Abraham realize he was being tested when Sarah approached him with the idea of using a surrogate?
Did Sarah realize she was being tested when she was so desperate to have a child she felt the need to “help God out”?
Did Joseph realize he was being tested when he interpreted the dreams of his cell mates?
Did Moses realize he was being tested through all the different things he went through?? He may have that “Hindsight is 20/20” thing, but did he know at the time??
King David! How he was tested and failed over and over, yet he was “the man after God’s own heart”.
What about Peter’s faith?? He was a bumbling fool sometimes, but he walked on water, and denied Christ 3 times, yet he was still so faith-full.
So many testimony's of faith tried and tested. Successfully and not so much.
What I really need to understand that even though my faith seems to be so minuscule, God still uses it. And “grows me” with it, and increases my faith through it.
I think that we never really know when we’re being tested. Sometimes the things we’re going through are simply consequences for our choices and actions.
(Everything happens for a reason. See Christina Flagg’s blog -whats-on-christinas-mind.blogspot.com . Now that was powerful to me. )
But they become tests through at those times. Tests for us and tests for those around us.
Test is short for testimony.
When we’re done with the test, it becomes a testimony.
I looked up Faith in the Webster’s dictionary –
1 – Sincerity of intentions
2 –Belief and trust in and loyalty to God
3 - Firm belief in something for which there is no proof.
4 - Complete trust
I like # 4 the best.
I also looked it up on Encyclopedia Britannica:
The Greek word for faith is Pistis, the Latin word is Fides – "Faith is the divinely inspired human response to God’s historical revelation through Jesus Christ and consequently, is of crucial significance”
But I like how Heb. 11: shows the faith of many. But I think verse 1 says it the best –“faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see”
I long to hear, one day, “Welcome home, my good and faithful servant.”
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