Before I get into this new "thought" that I'm going to share, I have to say that Scott's had a rough couple of days. He had what the Hospice RN called a "pain crisis". That would be putting it mildly - it was more like a pain storm. He's better today but each time something else happens it diminishes him even further and I am in a constant state of anxious anticipation and apprehension. I never know what the next moment is going bring. I never know if I'm going to sleep through the night. I don't know that I'll ever sleep through the night again. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all - I'm just "tellin' it like it is".
This has been the hardest time of my life. It's been the "best of times and the worst of times". Emotions run high some days and then not at all on others. It's unbelievable to me that it's only been such a short period of time yet it feels like it's been FOREVER!
So anyway, onto my thoughts....
On January 11th I posted a blog and here's an exerpt from it;
"I’ve found that one of the most trying parts of this, so far, has been the constant and endless waiting. Waiting on the first test results, then waiting to get home, because we were visiting family for Thanksgiving when the results came in, to research this, then waiting to get more tests done, then waiting for those results. And just knowing the whole time that the ordering doctor had the results in his possession and wasn’t contacting us. That was the first time I "lost it". Then waiting to see the oncologist, which was a HUGE blessing in all of this. We know this doctor from Scott’s last health issue 3 ½ years ago and credit him for saving Scott’s life last time.
Understand, this whole thing happened right before the holiday season so everyone was not in. Then waiting for the appointment for the lung biopsy, and finally waiting to see Dr. Cheng again tomorrow. The waiting! The waiting! The waiting! So much damn waiting!
How much waiting can a person bear?? Especially when time is of the essence here. There seems to be this thought in my head/heart that I’m running out of time. That I can’t do things or get things done fast enough to accommodate ‘whatever’ in my life.
Then it dawned on me this morning in the “who-am” that God is trying to show me something in the waiting. That I need to just be still and wait on Him. He is still in control. I may not like what He’s doing but that’s just my temporal thinking. He has a much greater plan for me and I need to wait on Him for the plan to be revealed- if it ever is. He’s preparing me for something. I just don’t know what that something is. Oh God, how I hate that! Wait, wait, wait…. for it."
So today I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was relaying to her what the latest "goings on" with Scott and I, and then it hit me like a brick- this is what all the waiting was about.
Now I'm really waiting. I'm waiting for God to either take my husband to be with Him, or not...
What I'm "waiting" for is not a good thing. Or is it?? I don't even know if I should call it waiting. It feels like waiting, but it's not. Most of the time it feels like I'm just getting throught the day. I live in a constant state of "wait". And for anyone who's ever known me for a long time knows that I H8 2 W8!
So this is what I mean when I say "I get it... maybe"; God was making us (me) wait through the preliminary stuff to prepare me for this waiting that I'm doing now.
Oh Lord I so hope that I'm honoring you in this process!
Then someone told us today that we've been such an example to others by allowing our friends in our home and opening up our lives (such as they are) to them. That we've actually blessed others by what we're going through and how we're dealing with this. HUH!!! ??? Are you serious right now!?? How on earth could it be?? That people are being blessed by blessing us??
Hmmm.... God is definitely up to something here - I think.
So for right now, I think I get it.... maybe...