Saturday, August 29, 2009

God is Good - ALL the time

Well, here I am in the middle of the "dreaded" 3 month period and God has shown me favor. He's kept me at peace, has touched the heart of my co workers and work has become more pleasurable to go to and be at.
I have found myself "clinging" to "the things of Scott". Things like the memories of when we first met and how I resisted getting involved, but did anyway. When we got our first place together, and broke up, and got back together. And just the journey we were on. It was and continues to be such a huge adventure. Things still revolve around "when Scott had his cancer" or "when Scott died". This has somehow become a time line for me.
We went through so much stuff, both good and bad and of course very bad that just forgetting him and all about "us" is completely impossibly out of the question. And now I find that I don't ever want to forget the man who taught me so much about life and how to live and love.
I will always love him to a degree that I have never and will never again love another man. I miss him so much. Much, much more than I thought I would. I cry with the heaviness of the "missing of him" but God carries me through and He allows me a time to grieve. I listened to this song. I've heard it my whole life. It's one of the "pagan" songs my parents didn't want me to listen to as a younger person and it really helped me in the process of what I'm going through.

Such a simple and old song. Who knew that it would heal part of my heart.

I'm not saying that I'm healed from this grief, I don't think I will ever be "healed" from this, but I know it's getting easier to deal with on a daily basis.

And I thank God and the people He's so wonderfully and graciously put in my life to walk with me through this process.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

It's been almost 3 months!

So, here it is coming up on 3 months since Scott’s passed away. I’m told by many people - friends that have experienced this, and professionals that this can be one of the worst times in the grief process. I’m not looking forward to it as it’s been pretty difficult for me already.

The immense feeling of sadness just wraps itself around my heart and mind and “takes over”. This happens at unexpected times and often inconvenient times.

The amount of grief I feel is also much more than I expected. I knew I would be sad that he’s not here with me anymore, but I didn’t think it would be such a “great” emotion.

Don't get me wrong, I have days where I've accepted that he's not here and I cherish those days for when I feel blown away that he's not just gone on a Project Mexico trip, or gone "for" a few days to visit his kids, or gone "for" fishing, but he's gone "for"ever.

Often times I wonder what it will be like when we meet again in heaven. I am really interested to see my husbands "glorified body". :-) Since all I've ever seen is one that has been ragged from drugs, alcohol and cancer.

I miss him and I’m sure I will miss him all the days I am alive on this earth.