Friday, July 30, 2010

I Think I Might Like It.....

Well, it's been about 3 weeks that I've been in my own place. Completely and utterly alone, but I think I might like it a bit.

I can come and go when I want without discussion about where I'm going, with whom, how long I'll be gone, when I'll be home.... It's nice, but... at the same time I miss that someone cares enough to want to know.

I dunno if that makes sense.

Scott has still be very present but kind of in the shadows lately. Someone said to me the other day that once you're dead, you're not able to communicate with the living. I tend to disagree.
I'm not saying that they actually "speak" to the living but the dead have ways to communicate. I never thought I'd be one to say this, but here I am saying it.

I have had this very strong "impression" that Scott wants me to look forward, not backward. That he wants me to move forward. In a way he's releasing me.

I don't want to be released but it's happening.

I'm quite content with my life the way it is right now. No drama, no fretting, no heavy weight upon me. God is actually giving me a break from the heartache I've felt for almost 2 years.
I keep trying to find a song that fits what I feel right now but I don't have one.

The only song that comes to mind is this one...

This is it... this is where I am right now. And ya know what???? It's OK!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

And the Story continues...

As I continue to struggle with the grief of losing my husband, and the lonliness that has occurred in my life, I find myself wondering how I managed to get through his dying process, which let me tell you, was much more of a difficult process than the grief.

The grief is hard, but the feeling of impending doom while he was slowly disintegrating before my very eyes, was SO INTENSE compared to the intense pain of not having him here. So I kept going back to “what did I do differently then than I’m doing now”. Then it hit me… I held on to God very tightly then. But since then there has been this “release” (on my part, surely). And therein lies the problem! My faith or my trust in Him hasn’t changed, I’ve just not been communicating with Him as much and I haven’t stayed connect!

Then today, I came across this:

“The apostle Paul encouraged us: "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (Philippians 4:6). The outcome is that once we have prayed, we ought not to worry. Mary C. Crowley put it this way: "Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway." Turning our problems over to God once we have done all we can do (with His help and guidance) is the essence of faith. It is a quiet trust that accepts the outcome, trusting that the decision is God's on our behalf and for our best interests.
Once we believe and understand that there is a Creator and that He loves the world (John 3:16), we can relieve our minds of the strain of anxiety and helplessness that often leads toward depression. It is amazing how resourceful we can be when we are not hampered by worries. So let your requests be made know to God!”

And God, using modern technology for His glory, once again is reminding me to “stay connected” through prayer and meditation!

Yes, it is difficult to do this when I’m in the throes of grief and anguish with missing my husband. I keep reminding myself that Scott is with God now and that helps me feel better, but Scott still isn’t here… with me physically. And yes, I miss that! A LOT!!!

So for anyone who happens to read this or stumble upon this… keep me in your prayers!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Out of Sorts... sort of.

Well... here I am again feeling things I've never felt before... wondering to myself "what the heck"?!

Okay, so here's what's happening... I've felt a very strong "continuing connection" to my dead husband. I said in my grief group that I feel like I am still in a relationship with him. Okay, it's not the same earthly relationship, but it's different and it's really deep. Since we were so much more connected that I thought we were - a fact I've had to own, face and accept - what I feel now is more of a spiritual relationship. (No... I am not talking to my dead husbands picture, or imagining a conversation we would be having... nothing like that).

We were talking about protons and continuing bonds in our grief group a couple of weeks ago and it's really interesting to know that there is a scientific experiment that proves that when proton's become "connected" or entangled then split and separated, what happens to 1 half of the proton the other half feels and experiences as well, regardless of where the 2 proton's are. And we as humans are full of protons, so bottom line is simple; Scott is feeling my pain. Not that he's feeling the pain of my pain, but he's aware of my pain. Then I thought of the book, The Shack, and remembered the waterfall part of the story. I felt like someone just threw ice water on me.

At first I was like, "no way", but the more I remember what a HUGE GOD I have, it's possible, right?! So.....

Now, I've come back to having the dreams again. For the first few weeks after he died, I had this dream over and over, of him in different situations wearing his blue Project Mexico shirt (the one he died in and was cremated in) and his adult diaper telling me to "help him figure this out".
Then they went away and I had a really good dream where he and I actually sat down someplace - I don't know where it was, it was familiar though... and we had this long talk about him and I and "figuring this thing out" and I didn't have another dream again. So I assumed that it was done. I helped him "figure this thing out" and he was okay. Well, the dreams have come back and he's angry with me for not helping him "figure this thing out". He's still in his blue PM shirt and diaper and he's reaching out to me, pleading with me to help him "figure this thing out".

Okay, well, I know that he's trying to communicate with me. I don't know how I know it, but I know it.

Now the newest thing, for the last week or two, I am waking up with him singing to me... first it was the Beatles - Rocky Racoon, then it was Don't Pass Me By, and then it was just Paul McCartney "Baby I'm Amazed". I get that this could be just because Doah mentioned it on FB a week or so ago and it reminded me that Scott always said that song was from him to me. But this morning it was "I am a friend of God. The song we sang in our choir, S.H.O.U.T.

And so... here's the thing... Stress makes you think and do things differently.

I've been pretty stressed out (and having panic attacks) from living on my daughter's sofa and saving money to get my own place and it actually coming to be, and all the "what if's" that all of that brings. And yes, I can "what if" something to death. And Scott knew that and KNOWS that. I'm freaking out about not having any money (cuz I have no money now, and I mean, NO MONEY and NO FOOD) and food, and gas, and what if something happens and I can't fix it, and so on and then more about living completely alone and all the "what if's" that go with that, and what if I don't make it and what if something happens to me and I'm still alone, and I hate being alone, and I'm just ALONE!!!

And now he's singing to me as I wake up. And here's the really trippy part. When he was in the process of dying from this bastard of a disease, almost every morning, God would put a song on my heart as I was waking up and that was my song for the day. I never told Scott about it. I just thought it was me... I didn't think he'd "get it". Because he was really critical of me and anything that was "new". Now he's doing it!

And after talking to Stefanie on Sunday, it makes sense. Scott is communicating and trying to comfort me and let me know that I'm not really "alone". He's still with me. There was/is such comfort in her words. And it made me cry, and she said I couldn't cry or else she'd cry then her daughter wouldn't let her visit the nursery anymore (SMILE) And I feel like I'm not really losing my mind, I'm really experiencing this. I'm NOT going crazy.
I am still having a relationship with Scott, only now it's different and now it's better, not better, but different better. I'm still VERY sad, which really surprises me since I really thought I'd be "over it" in a few months.

And now my hope is that I can really help him "figure this thing out". Or maybe, he's trying to help me "figure this thing out".