Saturday, May 22, 2010

After all this time...

It's been some time since I wrote anything or posted anything as I've been kind of busy and preoccupied. A lot has changed. And is changing.

Mother's Day weekend I went up to Pacific Grove to have Scott's ashes spread along with his grandmother's, Iola's. Iola passed away 5 years ago. The whole thing was hard but good. It was good to see Lola and Ann again, and it was good to get out of town for the weekend and it was good to put Scott's remains to rest. So many things happened, so many emotions... It was kind of funny and then turned very sad, but the part that helps me is that I KNOW that he's in heaven (and that's really good) regardless of his situations here on Earth. I put his ashes in what I would refer to as "his special place" close to the edge and in with the flowers. I kept some back to share with other's to have their final time with him. See this blog for more on that... Sharon couldn't have put it better....

But, I will return next year to just "be" with him there in Pacific Grove.
Some may think that this is really stupid, but.... it's not. Only those who have lost a spouse can know what I mean.

Our relationship was hard, we had many HUGE issues, and I'm a different person because of it, but I know he loved me the best he knew how. And that's fine with me, because I know that I loved him the best I knew how too.
He taught me so much... they were often times hard lessons to learn, but I learned so much. And I know I taught him so much too.

I miss him. And I know for many that's hard to believe, but it's true. He kept me SO grounded.

As of right now, my moods change from day to day and often I wonder what the heck??? It's now past 1 year since Scott passed away (yeah, it still makes me cry when I use that term). I find myself getting choked up at random things... a smell, a memory, a song, a restaurant, driving in the truck and having memories of our trips that we made together. Now, moving (again!) and taking a part of him with me and leaving a part of him behind.

This is a time of healing for me.

As Shannon pointed out, it's a time of healing from age 14 for me. And she's spot on. This is now "my" time... I hate that this sounds so "self serving" but it is what is is and I need to "put the oxygen mask on me first before I can help anyone else". I don't know what God has in store for me now.... I just know in my heart that He's still filtering for me and watching over me and putting people in my life to help me and for me to help. Somehow, someway... that I don't know now how and why or what, but it's happening.

And then sometimes, it's everything I can do to get throught the day and wonder why I'm here and going through all of this.

I miss my life with him... I miss his wit and his humor and his smile, his beautiful blue eyes... his touch... him next to me in bed. But, I am learning to live my life without him in it. It's hard. Most days, it's okay, but then others, well... not so much. Today was hard because I'm moving again. Phase 1 of the big move... I'm moving in with Shannon so I can save money to get my own place so that I can heal. It will be the first time EVER that I've lived alone. It's exciting and scary at the same time!

So there you have it... "Bob's your uncle" as Scott would say... Yeah, I'm channeling him a lot these days.

This one's for Scott....

I loved you the best!!!