Tuesday, March 17, 2009


I’ve had several discussions with my friends about faith and what my faith looks like. Well, it’s kind of hard not to talk about that because my life has always been about faith. It’s been a journey of faith long before I even knew what true faith was. But, this experience has really been a lesson in faith.

Both of my study groups are discussing faith – in my Saturday morning group – this is the main topic – in my Wednesday night group, it’s about women of faith. So the topic of faith is always on my mind and in my heart. Plus I’m reading a book about Extraordinary Faith by Sheila Walsh.

Scott’s upset with what my faith looks like, because my faith isn’t in God giving Scott a miracle healing. That’s not to say that I don’t believe that He could, but I cannot make my faith look like Scott’s faith. It’s like both of us standing in a mirror. We both look different, so does our faith.

This fact used to bother me, but it doesn’t now. I am a different person and so therefore my faith is going to look different too.

Here’s what my faith looks like – My faith is in what is “of God”.

This cancer is not “of God”. This cancer is evil. God is not evil. So this is not of God, so my faith is not in this cancer “going away”. My faith is in that the God of this universe (not of this world, but of the universe) has allowed this thing to happen to us for whatever reason and my faith is that God will use this to His Glory. To let others see that He is present in this with us. Getting us through it.

And part of this is also that we suffer the consequences of our own choices. Scott has smoked for over 30 years. Smoking is proven to cause cancer. In his past he’s abused drugs and alcohol, alcohol and cigarettes together have been scientifically proven to cause this particular kind of cancer. I don’t know if God will “save” him on this earth from the consequences of his own choices. That remains to be seen. But I know we all suffer the consequences of our own choices in one way or another. My faith is that God has saved him from eternal death. Scott will get to be with Christ in heaven.

My faith is that God is with me through this. He continues to give me strength, peace – overwhelmingly, and wisdom (even when I don’t think to ask for it). He continues to put people and things in my life that lift me up and support me.

There are times when I’m so incredibly weak and stumble and fall over this whole experience and He is there to just comfort me, to whisper to me “sweet nothings”, and to assure and reassure me that all is not lost. He is MOST faithful to me when I’m weak. During my weakest times He proves to me that He is strong. And that’s another thing that I want people to see through all this hardship that I’m going through. I’m not the strong one in this. God is holding me up, you just can’t see it. Or sometimes you only see it through those people he puts in my life that hold me up and comfort me.

And I can’t even imagine trying to get through something like this without my God. How do people who don’t believe in our wonderful God get through this kind of experience? How do people get through this without the hope that we have????

The tears still come. Sometimes they come and don’t stop and other times they come at the most inappropriate times. But I don’t fear them now. And I don’t fight them either. I know that this is God’s way of letting some of the stress out of me. It’s like having a water balloon that’s too full. It just starts to leak and that’s what’s happening. Sometimes I leak. And sometimes this feels like I’m going crazy. There will be a blog on that soon too!!!

My faith is that even when Scott’s body dies , his spirit will live forever with Christ and we will always have what we’ve had. And we will meet again. And when we do I know that he’ll have some smart ass statement about all this and we will laugh and laugh about all of the stupid petty stuff we let ourselves worry about now. I look forward to that time.

So, that’s where my hope is and that is what my faith looks like – heaven.