Friday, October 2, 2009

No Matter Where I Go, There I AM.

Funny, strange, not Funny ha ha, thing about grief it sets into motion all kinds of emotions that I've kept buried for a very long time. It is very difficult to explain to people who've never lost as spouse exactly what this feels like. I go from being exhausted, to empty, to angry, to lost, to happy and joyfull, and back around again, over and over and over. It's like a wagon wheel stuck in the rut. And this is all considered "about right". And it's exhausting - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I was told that the "3 month" mark was going to be hard - very hard. And I couldn't even imagine it being any more difficult already. And ya know what, it wasn't bad, till the middle of the 4th month when things just came screaming down and out of me. Now I hear that I'm really smack dab in the middle of the worst of it. And there's so MUCH!!! that I cannot control, so much that I cannot just put out of my mind. So much I can't find words to explain about. I still hear Scott's voice in my head, and I guess I always will. I still have the nightmares and now add panic attacks. Is there any rest for the grieving soul!?

Okay, so now I'm not as "raging" mad as I was. I'm still pretty "bent", but it's not as overwhelming. I can only give credit to my GOD - YHWH - He has restored some peace to my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart. He spoke very softly to me during my rage, and I took the poster of Scott, with all the loving things people had to say about him written on it, off the wall and now it's behind the dresser so I don't have to be in constand judgement of a dead man.

Here's the song that spoke to me today and has spoken to me before. Because there are days when I don't think or feel that "everything's going to be alright".

If anyone knows me they know that I'm really affected by music. It just ALWAYS touches my heart in the right places. I love music, all kinds of music - (okay, RAP isn't one I'd listen to willingly, but I've listened to it before). And music will always be a big part of my life and when it's not present, I get all funky. This is where I've made a simple, yet critical mistake. I stopped listening to music. Ooops, my bad. So I'm back on the musical track so to speak and I've found that I've missed it so much. Now I understand why King David wrote the music he did.

There's still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done yet - in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart, but, I'm going to move forward. I've been crashing blindly into the future because I've been too concerned with what was behind me.

I'm coming to accept that I cannot change anything that is already done. I can't undo my past mistakes and I cannot live with regret. I can only ask for forgiveness and accept forgiveness.

I can only leave myself open to whatever God has in store for me and try to be as prepared as I can for whatever may come. I can only embrace the pain that comes when my friends and family show their compassion. This is difficult, but yet, it must be done, if I'm going to be the person God wants me to be. The person He created me to be that has been stuffed and trampled on for 50, almost 51 years. I get to reinvent myself and I only want to be reinvented by the grace of God. He is in control, always has been and always will be. Last time I checked, He was still on the throne.

So, here I come, carefully taking baby steps along the way, muddling through, as I allow God to work in my life, in my head, but mostly in my heart.