Monday, June 29, 2009

The Last Day.

I’m not sure why but I just feel like it’s time and it’s important to share Scott’s last day on earth with everyone who may read this. It was sad, but it was so incredible. God made His presence known more on this day than any other day.

It started out, “same old, same old”. I knew today would be the day he died, his nurse, Cara had seen this for 11 years and she knew it would be today. I was wrestling with what the actual event would look like. I had never experienced this before. I had no idea what to expect.

Back track – Febuary – When Scott decided to stop the cancer treatments, he asked, begged me to not cry when he died because he knew he was going to a better place. There was no way that I could honor that wish and I told him so. He simply said, “I cannot die until you aren’t crying”. I didn’t know the depth of his determination about this.

We had a rough weekend, prior to his death and I had to make decisions I really didn’t want to have to make. But he’d “turned the corner” and it was all on me now. Such a huge burden! So this day was like the day before, no activity. He was sedated and hadn’t moved a muscle for 3 days. I washed his face ( I told him he couldn’t meet the angels with a dirty face!) and tried to keep him as comfortable as I could.

I knew he was going to die and I had to pick songs for his memorial service, so I just turned on his Ipod and let the music play. I watched for any reactions from him and there were none…
Then after I had a shower, his mom, Lola said, “He’s awake”. I took 2 steps to his side and he flung his arms like he was trying to swim to the surface and made sounds like he was afraid and grasping for air. After about 10-15 minutes he calmed down and we breathed a sigh of relief. “Crisis averted”.

I didn’t know what that was all about until just recently. I read a book called “Experiencing Grief” and there was a passage I read from Psalms 18: 16-19. It’s meant for those grieving the loss of a loved one, but it really just deeply affected me and explained what “that episode” was all about.
“He reached down from on high and took hold of me; and drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy. From my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. He brought me into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me“.

THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE TO ME NOW. There is no doubt that Scott is with Jesus.

Anyway, the day progressed and I was dreading the evening. Cara, his nurse had already come twice that day and said it would most likely be “tonight”. Lola and I kept a bedside vigil. He was never left alone for 1 second. She’d take a break, and I’d stay, or I’d take a break and she’d stay. Or we both just sat with him. Telling him we loved him, telling him how many people loved him. We kept him cool, as he had a fever, we watched for any signs that he was aware we were there. But there was very little. He’d make some facial expressions, but that was about it.

Then about 5 ish, Lola went outside to take a break and to call Ann. I stayed there, listening to the 315 songs on his Ipod. We were on ELO (one of his favorite groups) and a song called “Just for Love” started to play.

I just happened to look over at him and his eyes were open and he was clearly focused on me. He tried to say, “hey or Honey”, not sure, but I went to his head and took his hand. He stopped breathing and his heart stopped for the 1st time. I called to Lola, and she came. Then the phone rang, it was Cara. She arrived in about 10 minutes and announced, “yep, it’s time”. And I was crying and just a mess. He started to breathe again before Cara arrived so I didn’t know what to think!~ She said we wait. She said to Scott after he stopped breathing the 2nd time, “Scott, Dude, what are you doing? It’s all okay now.” And of course I was crying and he started to breathe again and his heart beat was stronger and faster, not weaker and slower so we didn’t know what to think. He stopped breathing again, now the 3rd time and his heart stopped again, and we waited… I cried, and we waited. He started breathing again! At this point Lola noticed that his tumor was turning white! The secondary tumors were paper white, and the main tumor which was once SCARLET RED was turning to the same color as his skin! The blood was draining from the tumor – praise God. We really had to watch that and be prepared for it to burst.

I suddenly had to use the bathroom. Cara said, “Go, quick.”. While there, I prayed that God would give me peace. And He did. It felt like warm oil was flowing over me and suddenly I had the strength to get through this. I washed my face and came out of the room. Cara and Lola looked at me and asked if I was alright. I must have looked different or something, I just said, “yep, I’m at peace, we’re good.” I went to Scott’s side and kissed him long on his forehead and said, “Ha, Ha, I’m not crying now”. He took his last breath and his heart stopped for the last time, and went to be with the Lord. Everything remained calm.

Just like Scott would have said in times of drama and excitement – “everyone remain calm”.

And God’s peace and calm was with us through the night.