Thursday, October 8, 2009

Let's Recap, shall we??

As I was lying in bed at “W.H.O-A.M” becoming increasingly frustrated with all the health and medical issues I’m dealing with.
I kept coming back to Lyle’s message at Scott’s memorial service. It’s about perspective.
And as I thought about his message I decided to try to put all this in perspective.

Then I got confused with what the true perspective is here.

So, I decided to “recap” my life since Scott’s cancer diagnosis, since that seems to be my timeline now. And here’s what I’ve thought about for 2 plus hours this morning.

Timeline – Nov 28th, 2008 – Scott’s cancer diagnosis
Jan 21st – Scott’s life expectancy dramatically decreased!
And I became his full time care giver.
May 13th, Scott’s death
May 22nd Scott’s Memorial Service

While in the process of grieving, I have dealt with physical pain and emotional agony and had to pack and move which then prompted:
June 13th Urgent Care visit
And an ER visit to Saddleback Memorial the same night.

Since then I’ve had to adjust to a new place and new lifestyle, minus my husband, and I’m still trying to get my animals to adjust.

I am trying to learn to live not only without my husband, but without my step children who I miss almost as much.

I’m not able to just grieve and adjust. I have to support myself and go to work EVERYDAY.

And on top of that, as if that wasn’t enough, I’ve had
2 CT scans- with and without contrast,
1 at the ER, and 1 at a lab,
been referred “stat” to 3 specialists,
had 6 ultra sounds,
2 urinalysis’,
5 blood draws,
3 rounds of antibiotics,
2 yeast infections, and a horrible colonoscopy experience.
And most recently a diagnostic laparoscopy.

ALL of this with the support of a couple of friends, my children and the prayers of many.

Yet, without my husband.

And still we have no diagnosis. There was a great deal of scar tissue that was removed during the laparoscopy. Yet the pain is still there. And getting worse. Next step – possibly removing my womb for a probable and rare side effect of a procedure I had 3 years ago.

I’ve missed a total of almost a month of work and I’ve only been back 3 months!
And I’ve joined a grief support group. I never in my wildest thoughts considered joining any kind of “support group”. They were always “for sissy’s”!

In less time than it takes to have a baby, I’ve lost my husband, my step children, my apartment, my “life”, my health and my sanity.

I’m adjusting, but it’s going to take a long time

So… if I seem a little depressed or withdrawn, this is why – do you blame me??

Yet through all of this, I know that God is with me, but I’m still human and still have physical limitations and emotional limitations. I’m stuck in a body that just doesn’t work right anymore. I’m a tick “off” center emotionally right now and I’m trying to adjust. I cry at the drop of a hat and I’m easily frustrated. I can’t focus on more than 1 thing at a time and the ability to concentrate on anything is limited. My attention span is that of a 2 year old. And I miss talking to Scott about my “stuff”.

If I happen to take this out on you, please forgive me. And don’t take it personally, “it’s not you, it’s me”.

So, where is my perspective – I have no idea. Anyone want to offer up suggestions?? I’m open to them.