God is certainly at work in me, only now I'm much more aware of Him and what He's doing. I wouldn't and didn't want Scott to get cancer and eventually die, and leave me with this trauma called grief. But through this, I'm learning more about me and stuff in me that I just didn't even know was there. I was wondering last week, how this happened. Why did God allow this? Was I really such a bad person? And clearly on my heart, was this, "Why are you surprised?".
Well, here's the thing, it's time I admit, there's a part of me that isn't surprised that Scott died the way he did. I know what I've always known - that he was going to die sooner than expected. I've known all the time we were together that God put us together for a reason. And look at all of them! There are so many miraculous things that took place during my relationship with Scott. Part of that was Scott and his nature, and part of that was me and my nature, but mostly it was a loving God who knew....what He knew and His nature.
And even though grieving is such painful thing, and most of the time I hate the way it feels, I know it's necessary. It's softening me. My relationship with Scott softened me, my relationship with God softens me.
I used to and sometimes still think that it was just me being "weak". But it's not weak, it's just softening. My heart had been so hardened and my mind so jaded that God has had to do and is still doing, a large work, and with large work, come large pain. And only knowing what I know now- that God is still good all the time, makes all this discovery and softening a little less frightening.
I'm still in pain, I'm still angry, I'm still unfocused and easily distracted ("Squirrel"!) and I'm still far from being over the grief of losing the man I loved unconditionally. I miss him as much today as I did 8 months ago. I expect that this is going to go on for some time, but today, I don't dread it... I don't like it, but I don't turn from it. I'm not denying it.
I heard today on Oprah - yeah, I know.... but it was pretty profound that the day I'm home sick from work I flip and land on Oprah and she has one of her reporters Nate, on talking about grief. All I heard was the word "grief" and stopped. Nate went through it when he lost his partner in the sunami that hit Indonesia a few years ago. And he hit on something that I've been struggling with. The dates, the holidays. It seemed like the dates were just sticking it in my face reminding me "he's gone, he's gone, he's never coming back". But Nate said something that sounded simple but just helped me. He said, "It's not the date. The date has no power. The memory has the power, and we can have those memories anytime we want".
That just took the whole thing and put it into perspective.
This Saturday would have been Scott's 54th birthday. I was not looking forward to it because I always like surprising him with something on his birthday. Well, it's just a date, it has no power. I will do something to surprise him.
And I will celebrate my "first" Scott's birthday without Scott, in my own way.
And he will smile, in my heart.