Even though I'm relatively happy... and yes, I am really happy most days. I love my job, I love my friends, I love my new place (it's coming along). God is really giving me the desires of my heart right now and that is that I have some peace of mind and spirit.
Yet, I'm still very lonely. And I think that is what drives people to do the things they do. There are things I think about doing ( and thank God I have some discernment now) that would make many people wonder where my brain is.
But I get it. And this gives me compassion for those like me, who are terribly, terribly lonely.
Loneliness is a heavy, heavy burden. It's an evil thing, really. God didn't make us to be alone. Which is why we do what we do in moments of desperate need.
And I'm not sure how to fix it. The only thing I know is to stay connected to the One who really matters. To just "be" with my God, Yahweh...the God of eternity.
I could just be fleshly and earthly, and go out and socialize, I suppose, but the bottom line is still Scott's not here. And honestly, I don't know how I should act. I try to just "be" in the moment, but often times, that's not cutting it. Right now, without Scott, I feel like I am only half of someone, or something. I don't belong, I don't fit in. I wander around watching others to see how it is I'm supposed to be. At work, at the grocery store, at church...everyone has SOMEONE. I don't.
Bottom line...I miss my husband, the one I made a covanent with and the one I will love forever. Despite all of his quirks and flaws, I will love him forever. Even though I know he didn't love me the same, I will love him FOREVER, and that's a LONG time.
I'm lonely because I'm here and he's not. We still have this "connection" for lack of a better word, but I'm still here, alone, without him. And the reality is, that's NOT going to change. Hard core, that's what the bottom line is... I AM ALONE.
This experience and this part of my life's story, or my "journey" has been a huge life changing experience.
Things shifted for me when Scott died.
The tragedy of watching him waste away, is something that will live in my heart forever. And things will continue to shift and move as needed.
I find that I'm no longer afraid. Isaiah 43:1 Fear not....
I refuse to live my life in fear. Scott taught me that. Life taught me that. God continues to show me that.
Scott was who he was, and he touched so many people in so many ways and I'm sure now he knows how many lives he touched. I just wish he would have known that before he died. And I know that he would want everyone to let others know how much they mean to them, regardless of what's going on right now... tell the person you love that you really do love them! TELL THEM! SHOW THEM! SUPPORT THEM!!! Living here on this planet is temporary. LOVE THEM!!! And if you don't really love them, then let them GO!
I heard this song today and it struck me deep in my heart.
This was a group that Scott listened to and loved their stuff, and I didn't get it. But I do now.
Scott lived fast, but he lived deep. Deeper than I knew. He changed me and his death changed me... forever.
I'm still very sad, but I'm okay with that now. I miss him, and I'm okay with that. I'm lonely and I'm learning to be okay with that too. I want to encourage anyone who is dealing with grief and the loss and tragedy of a life cut short, that it will be OKAY! I didn't feel that a year ago. And often I question that I will be okay... but the bottom line is simply that life does move on and you move on with it.
Scott, I love you, babe, and I miss you and I'll love you all the rest of my days. But I have to let God heal me of this wound that losing you has left. And I know that you know what I feel and you understand that at some point, I will let you go, not completely, but I will let you go....
So I'm going to let Him do that. And I'm positive that this is what you would want me to do.
Growth happens in the change. I'm changing and I'm growing.
I HAVE TO WALK BY FAITH. BECAUSE THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY APPEAR....
And I have to let the faith that got me through some of my most difficult times get me through the rest of my life. And I am excited and looking forward to seeing Scott and my mom, and my dad and all those who have gone before me, again...There will be a day...