I felt I need to put down into words some memories. Of course, it's still about Scott. And yep, I think it will be that way for a long time.
It's been 16 months, today, that he left this earth and my heart still breaks every time I think of any memories we shared, so I thought that if I put them into words it would be easier and better for me. And maybe make it easier for others to understand what we, and he was all about and why I loved him so much.
There was NEVER a time that he didn't interject humor into whatever was going on at the time. He seemed to make life easier and harder all at the same time. He challenged and still challenges me to "make the best" of things. He was very meticulous about things, and I didn't "get it" till he was gone. How he made life simpler because he was so damned efficient. Coffee.... was easy when he was here, and I'm learing to do coffee again, like he did. Easy...
Going back to some of my first memories...
2001 - meeting him at the Mariposa mexican restaurant for the first time... watching him get off his Harley (yes, he had a Harley) and wondering to myself..."what have I gotten myself into now"... and sitting at the table (we had a booth in the bar - of course) and he was just listening to me (yeah I talk alot) and staring at me. I remember his blue, blue eyes and I loved that about him. We went to the movies, saw Serendipity (odd and cool at the same time) and we left.
At this point, I didn't know where this would go. I didn't feel especially attracted to him, but I really liked his wit and sense of humor (not to mention his Harley). We parted ways with a simple kiss on the cheek.
End of story... or so I thought. God had other plans...
He came over for Super Bowl Sunday a few months later and dealt with my ex husband of 20 years who only came to watch the game for free, (quite graciously I might add) and we hung out. Two weeks later Scott moved in.
He didn't talk much or share his feelings much, except when it came to his kids. He loved them so much and had so many regrets about his oldest child, Stephanie.
He talked about her so much. I think he was trying to hold on to that as best as he knew how.
Life went on and I was so enamoured of this person and I was really, really, really happy. We laughed so much, we loved life and we experienced so much in such a short period of time.
We got our own place (we were sharing space with my 2nd daughter and it was time to move on) and we loved our life.
We didn't have a lot, but what we had was HUGE!
We only had the Harley for about a month and we learned to grocery shop efficiently. Then when we were in Ralphs one night getting a few things, it rained. It was POURING RAIN!! We just looked at each other. It was all about the adventure with him.
So we ran out to the bike, the bike was wet, and we had to run and pack the few things we bought in the saddle bags, laughing the whole time, and rode the bike a few miles home. By the time we got home we were soaked and we just looked at each other and said, almost simultaneously, "We gotta get some real wheels". And we laughed out asses off... A few days later we bought the truck. The one I still drive. A black Toyota Tacoma 4WD.
But life happens and stuff happened. Stuff I never thought would happen.
We split up. For about 3 months.
We came back together for financial reasons more than anything. And to get him off Bree's couch.
Things were pretty good. He left Harley Davidson and was working at a restaurant on Ortega Hwy. Then he went back to work at U-haul. He'd worked there before when he lived in Ohio. And it seemed he loved it.
But, our relationship was DEAD... I don't know exactly why, but I had my suspicions. He did his thing, I did my thing and we never talked about what was happening. We slept in the same bedroom, but in different beds.
I had many moments of sheer aggravation, confusion, frustration, anger with him but I also had many many moments of utter joy because of him.
He always put a spin on things. There was always an agenda. And that what no matter what, he would find the humor in any and every thing. And he showed me so much about life, about myself and our relationship that I can never let go of.
I remember so much of him. His walk, his laugh (the real one, not the fake one) The times he'd tried to convince me or someone else of something that was TOTALLY not true and the look on his face when he did that. I learned to watch for that.
The time we drove to Monterey to see his Grandma for the last time and he tried to tell me that Paso Robles was the spanish name for "road to the Hearst castle". He was quite convincing.
On the way home, while I was driving about 100 mph on the 101 freeway, and he opened the passenger door because he had to pee... yes, he was on major drugs at the time. I told him to pee on the pavement and he said "No, that's not okay", so he pee'd in a urinal that he had from his hospital stay, then dumped it out. ON THE PAVEMENT! WTF!!! LOL
I recently watched a video of him taken by a friend, Michael Butterfield, when they were leaving Mexico about coffee and coffee beans and how they came to be and I saw that look on his face again and I wanted to cry. No, I take that back, I did cry.
Because.... he was for flipping funny!
During his struggle with the cancer that was really eating him alive, he made so many comments about the drugs... how for the first time in his life he could get totally wasted, load and "FUBARED" and it was legal!! Or about how he couldn't do this or that. And how much simpler life was since he didn't do so much stuff. But at the same time he hated that he couldn't do what he was used to doing. Serving people, cooking for people. He loved to cook for family and friends and usually went all out. "Balls to the wall" he'd say.
He loved deeply. Sometimes too deeply. Even though he knew that he could and most likely would be hurt, he loved anyway. And he loved me... anyway... despite our baggage, he loved me anyway.
This one is for you, babe...